That Darn Ex-husband

“Hi, how are you today?” Beep.

“Oh! I’m great, thanks for asking! I’ve actually just come from a yoga class where we did the most peculiar movements. I’ve never taken a yoga class before, have you?” Beep.

“Well, I—”

Beep.

“It made me feel emotions I don’t think I’ve felt in years! The studio was the most darling little place, it had these things called “money plants,” which I’ve certainly never seen before. Do you know what a money plant is? Well anywho, that yoga class was transformative! I’ve just gotten divorced from my husband, you know? And when I was with him, it was like the part of my brain that processed emotions was just a black hole. Is there a certain part of the brain that does that? Do you know?” Beep.

Beep. “Not that I—” Beep.

Beep. “Anyway, during that transformative yoga class, it was like that black hole became a waterfall and all of a sudden I was processing all these emotions from when I was married. Like this one time, my brother—he’s a firefighter, you know—got caught inside a burning building when he was trying to save a dog that was still stuck inside…poor thing, I wonder what happened to him? It must have been terrifying not knowing what was going on, your family isn’t in your house that’s suddenly really hot and you can’t go where you would normally go and you don’t understand how fire works and you’re all alone.” Beep. “But anyway, my brother went in to get him out because he could hear the barking. But while he was in there, the ceiling partially collapsed over the stairs so his escape route was blocked. He ended up going out the window after using blankets or something to fashion a rope-type-thingy to lower the dog down first.”

Beep. “Wow, that’s really—” Beep.

“So I’m in this yoga class, and suddenly my mind backtracks to the day I’d heard about it. It was the same day that I’d found out that my daughter was having sex with her boyfriend, and they’re far too young to be doing anything of the sort! She’s only nineteen for crying out loud! It’s a darn good thing I insisted she stay home and complete her freshman year of college online so that I can keep an eye on her!”

Click-clack-click. Swoosh.

“So the day I found out about my daughter was the same day I found out about that horrible situation my brother was in, but I couldn’t focus on any of it! Not a darn thing. And do you know why? I’ll tell you why, it was because of that darn husband!”

Riiiip.

“That darn husband hadn’t been even remotely intimate with me for months! And just the day before, I’d just gone down to that new lingerie store on Brooks St., do you know the one? I’d just picked out a lovely forest-green—his favorite color—lacey lingerie and I was planning to do you-know-what with my husband after seducing him with this oh-so-fashionable setup, and he ignored me! I couldn’t believe it. I spent over a hundred dollars on that lingerie getup, and he had the nerve to ignore me! So then I was thinking what is his problem? Am I ugly now after twenty years of marriage? Undesirable? What could have changed so drastically that he is no longer interested in his own wife?”

“Ahem…”

“And all this terrible news kept coming at me and all I could think about was my darn husband! But in this yoga class, I swear, I’ve never taken yoga before, I had no idea it could make you rethink things so clearly! I really have to wonder if the money plants had anything to do with it? Suddenly the dam broke on the lake—”

“I thought it was a black hole?”

“Whatever, honey, the point is that my emotions were all over the place! I found myself sobbing like a small child in the middle of Warrior Two. People were looking at me like I was a maniac, but I have never felt more free! Especially now that I’m free of my darn husband, I don’t have to close myself off for fear of being undesirable, or rather, too emotional like he always says. Said. Oh whatever…I was finally able to feel the panic of knowing my only baby girl is sexually active at the young, young age of nineteen. I’m gonna flay her bones when I get home, let me tell you! And I was finally terrified for my brother and that awful fire! I do hope that dog is okay, it couldn’t have been good for the poor boy—or maybe it was a girl?—to inhale so much smoke and then be lowered out a window. But the fear I felt in the middle of that yoga class, for that day and for his life in general. He goes into burning buildings all the time, you know, and I just sit at a computer all day!

“I wouldn’t be surprised if the emotions decide to bubble up on me in the middle of a Zoom call. I’ll tell you what, that would not look good in front of my boss. If it weren’t for my darn husband—Oh! I guess now it’s ex-husband! If it weren’t for my darn ex-husband, these emotions would have come naturally in their own time, but no. Of course he had to meddle in something he didn’t even know he was meddling in. Oh, em, gosh, he is just the antithesis to a well-balanced life, I mean everyone needs to feel their emotions, am I right?”

“Um—”

“I swear, in today’s society it’s a wonder we all don’t just spontaneously combust!”

“Ma’am—”

“My darn ex-husband is like the gatekeeper of—”

“MA’AM! WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP TALKING AND TAKE YOUR RECEIPT! I HAVE A LINE GOING ON TWENTY PEOPLE NOW SINCE YOU HAVE BEEN YAPPING!”

“Well…” Blink. “You don’t have to be so rude about it, missy.”

“Thank you!” Huff. “Have a great day, and thank you for shopping at WonderMart!”

Shuffle, shuffle.

“Hi, how are you today?” Beep.