What Brought Me Back

The atmosphere was chilly, and not just because it was a crisp winter day in Central Park, but because the space in-between the ends of the bench was palpable. 

“So,” Cassie managed to break the ice with chattering teeth and a pink nose, “What brought you back into town?” 

David stayed silent, his eyes locked on the leaves blowing in the wind, seemingly chasing each other in circles like an endless carousel. This felt like a good analogy of life to him, while everything felt like it was turning constantly, nobody ever caught up. It was just occasional slow moments. 

Cassie’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. Wasn’t David the one who wanted to meet in the first place? Now they were sitting in a vat of silence and thin, bitter air. Is this what she had expected? It is certainly not what she had hoped for.

She tried again tentatively, “David?” 

The sound of Cassie saying his name spun him out of his reverie. He still could not look at her. “You know what brought me back,” he said slowly and methodically. 

Both of their heartbeats picked up pace, the anxious nerves of the inevitable conversation to come hanging over them like a heavy cloud. 

“Years,” Cassie started, “You’ve had years to come back for me.” Her misguided bravery got ahead of her. She hadn’t meant to jump straight to accusations, but now there was no going back. Her words frozen in the moment like the dew drops on the grass. 

David stiffened, approaching the part of playing defense, but quickly melted back into pretenses of hoping to find forgiveness and redemption along the way. 

“I was a different person back then, Cassie.” 

“Were you? Or are you just trying to justify your actions through the time that’s already passed?”  

David tugged at his coat in response, trying to pull it more into himself, desperate to find shelter in its warmth. He was unsure now whether it was the cold that made him shiver or Cassie’s incrimination of his character. 

A family of four strolled past their bench, the littlest girl giving a smile behind her rosy cheeks that undoubtedly felt numb to the child in these frigid conditions. Her bright green eyes struck a chord within David, his hands growing restless as he began to pull at his gloved fingers. 

There was trauma here that neither Cassie nor David wanted to acknowledge. David seemed more aged than Cassie remembered; as if time had only been kind to one of them.

He had wrinkles around his eyes and age spots on his nose. And yet, as she studied David intricately, her eyes drying from the windchill, he still could not bring himself to return the favor. His forehead seemed lined with regret, his salt and pepper hair was poking out of his knit cap, and since when did he wear glasses? 

Cassie reached back in her memory to a time when David seemed so young and confident, yet she was young back then herself and there was no way to know what life had been about to throw at her. Had she admired a man who didn’t really exist? Projected a version of David that met every expectation, who sacrificed for her without complaint, and who wanted to be there of his own desire? Cassie’s mind was reeling with questions now. 

David was still pulling at his fingers, meditating on a way to keep control of himself and to try to find the most acceptable response to her looming question. 

“I suppose I was a version of myself that was not the greatest.” The chill was getting to his lips, making them chap with every word. 

Cassie took in his answer, trying to dissect it to the root but failed to see it as a reasonable one.

“I understand we all have versions of ourselves that we’re not proud of,” she paused, wondering if he was able to look back at her yet, but his eyes were still focused on his hands, “but from the outside looking in, it seemed as though there was nobody involved other than yourself. How were we supposed to know which version was of you the right one?” 

“You wouldn’t, because I didn’t at the time.” David admitted, “I didn’t even know until these past couple of years, Cassie.” 

“Someone always has the choice of whether or not to be selfish, David.” 

He sighed, “You’re right.” 

Seeming to be at a standstill, it was once again up to Cassie to keep things moving, otherwise she feared they would both freeze here in this circumstance, corpses stuck to a park bench that could probably never thaw. 

“These past twenty years,” she continued, “what have you been doing with them that has led you back to here, wanting to be redeemed from abandoning your family?” 

The past twenty years swirled around David’s mind, twisting and turning, switching between fuzzy moments and crystal clear ones, but never landing on anything substantial.

“I honestly couldn’t tell you. I just knew that I had made a mistake.” 

Cassie could feel the vague excuses getting the best of her. The irritation of wanting concrete information from him coursing through her veins, making her blood boil and starting to warm her up from the tundra of the wintry day. 

“Dad,” Cassie said coolly, but her heart was racing. 

That’s when David’s head flashed over at her, finally locking eyes with hers and making all of the raw feelings melt instantly. Her bright green eyes mirrored his in wonder, bewilderment and terror all wrapped up in one. 

David recognized the strong cheekbones of his own mother in hers, saw the narrow, pointed nose that was all her own. He recalled that when she was born, neither himself nor her mother could recognize which side of the family that trait came from. 

A flood of memories, of regret, and of his abandonment rushed through both of them like a heat wave that broke through the frozen air. 

He had to wipe away the tears quickly so that they, too, would not freeze over. David felt entranced by his own daughter's beauty. 

“How could I?” He whispered, unable to look away from her now.

Cassie was panicking as the father who let not only her mother go, but herself as an innocent child, stared at her like his eyes were opened for the first time. 

He continued, “How could I ever leave such a beautiful daughter behind?” 

The emotions swelled up in Cassie, and leaving her with open ended questions seemed unfair to her. Years of misunderstandings, miscommunication and selfish desires all still laid out on the bench between them like an invisible altar. 

She moved slowly, inching her way closer to David, to the father who seemed to want nothing to do with her for the better half of her life, to the father who was begging for forgiveness after years of ignorance.

David still could not keep his eyes off of her, careful not to make any sudden movements and to let her be in control of this moment. 

Cassie slid her mitted hand into his, interrupting the continued pulling of his fingers. 

The shock of this action bit him more than the cold. 

Whatever his past, whatever his reasons, Cassie chose the only path she knew would be the one that worked for both of them. The path of forgiveness. The path of unconditional love. 

“Come on,” Cassie smiled, finally relaxing contracted muscles that seem to have been there since childhood, “I’ll show you what you’ve missed.”