A gift from solitude

It was the sixth marriage ceremony in the Zair family of seven children, their late father was a truck driver who drove for a private company across the border to Mauritania where he met his wife, who was an embassy employee, his only son who was still single was montaser, his youngest , and who was no match for the father's social capabilities, He preferred solitude and deep conversations, and that Thursday was no exception... In terms of his isolation, of course deep conversations are not a strong point in wedding parties, especially when the groom is your brother, as you will receive a lot of:

- When will we rejoice in you and see you as a groom? .

Now montaser was a handsome boy, he had a rather slim body, dark hair, a strong jaw and solid features, easy prey for every mother who wants to marry her daughter, but that question, on the contrary, was not from a strange woman wearing cheap perfume, but from his mother who approached him in that corner He was standing, it could be said that his body was trapped, but his brain was free, as he answered with an unusual sarcasm:

- Didn't six full marriages make you happy?The mother laughed and answered:

- You are my youngest son and my pride in you will be special.

With a stiff face, he replied :

- The music is too loud and I'm going to help Sanaa with the play project... I'll be back by dinner time.

Montaser was an outstanding elementary school teacher. No absence was recorded for him. He attended in the rain or heat, even at the time of the outbreak of the disease, even though the school was almost closed. His project with his student Sanaa was a play on the occasion of the algerian Day of Science and its subject was about the importance of science in building a strong society, Everyone in town was proud of the son of a zair family except for the new young principal of the school, who had a bit of wild imagination :

- This imaginary play will not bring you even half a step closer to taking my position Mr montaser .

The principal said that phrase again in a blunt tone that matched his comical look and flashy purple suit.

- I wasn't counting on that, said zair , walking away from the principal's narrow office after he checked in, through an open hallway he walked quietly until he reached the hall where Sanaa was waiting for him in her black and white dress. She was black-haired, brown-skinned and had cute features. She was playing A lawyer in That play, who was trying to help a poor, unwanted child clear his name after beign framed. At one of the tables, Montaser sat after greeting his student, and she sang with passion until her lines ended. The show was good, although montaser overlooked some side matters for the sake of His time, which was tight, Sanaa took a second to catch her breath then asked innocently:

- Why should a lawyer sing? And why should she be mean to the judge? .

Montaser laughed and answered:

You must sing because it is a musical and you must be mean because you are an actress, and sometimes you have to play a character that is the opposite of your real character.

Spontaneously, the girl said:

- If the accused in this play is rejected by society, why does he care about their opinion? Not that they would change now for him.

In deep thought, montaser scratched the back of his head and answered:

- It is true, but we humans always have the desire to gain acceptance.

Trying to lighten the burden of the heavy robe, Sanaa said:

- If i was him i would learn to accept who i am first, so if people reject me, I won't care much because I know my own worth.

- You are right, said the zair, smiling.

- Now go and change your clothes for the wedding, my brother Radwan has invited the whole city.

- Even the principal ? Sanaa asked.

- Yes, even him , he replied, carrying his bag.

***

Between the screaming of the children and their jogging among those white tables that spread above the dinner hall, sat montaser with a small smile on his face. After an hour of talking about the dinner plate and the types of rai of music with a group of strangers, he was glad that he had finally found a little space to be alone with himself after they stood up to dance but a light whisper his brother Radwan, who approached him as a coach talking with his assistant atartled him, his features quickly changed and he nodded his head in agreement and moved behind his brother, who took him to a small back room that had a long tea table fixed to the wall with a circular tray that held a teapot and a few glasses on top of it, Radwan poured himself the first cup while presenting the second to his brother, saying with something of a frown:

- We have to talk a little about you, you are approaching forty and are not seeing anybody .

- Not this matter again, said montaser, angrily.

- Yes, this matter again. Radwan said, I do not like your situation.

Montaser drew a sarcastic smile, then said:

- My condition is not good in your opinion, because I did not spend 100 million on a cavalry squad and a motorcade of luxury cars to enjoy my wedding? Do you really think that you are the sane among us? .

Angrily, Radwan sipped something from his tea and asked:

- Just why? Why do you refuse the idea of marriage ?

- shit! Montaser whispered, then answered:

- I'm not against marriage brother, I'm happy for you... I Really am but nowadays it's just a trade... thirty or forty millions for a superficial relationship with some fun in the bedroom... Do you think it's a fair deal? .

- What are you talking about, Radwan said, to be interrupted by his brother:

- Why am I getting married? And don't give me the emotional bullshit about finding someone to talk to! Are you going to talk about food? I can cook, do the laundry? I have a washing machine, dishwashing ? I've had harder challenges, give me one good reason.

The words were mixed in Radwan's mouth for a moment before he spit them out with difficulty:

- It's... It's the half of our religion man .

- Religion ? Montaser said sarcastically, you want to stand here and talk about religion, you? who have not communicated with any of your brothers for four years, damn it, you did not even invite them to your wedding... I'm the only sibling here But you stand here rudely to bite me about religion...

Montaser wiped his mouth angrily and continued:

When will you understand, “believer” that religion is you asking about your neighbor, that religion is to connect with your family, that religion is your concern about innocent people being killed in Palestine or Syria or any other damned place in the world instead of your concern about a stupid breeding process that even damn cats do .

Amid the shock of Radwan, who held his tongue, montaser approached him and said in a whisper as he handed him a cup of tea:

- Thank you for the damn dinner and tell my mom my regards.

***

The next day was grey, and as pale as the face of montaser , who walked that open school corridor again with heavy steps, Sanaa, who was inside the classroom waiting for him like every time, said the moment he entered:

- You're late today.

- I'm sorry, he replied , placing his leather bag on top of the desk, while the girl approached him saying calmly:

- I saw you screaming yesterday at the wedding... I've never seen you so angry before.

With a mixture of shyness and confusion, he triumphantly replied:

- Sometimes we get angry, it's normal.

- Mister zair, Sana said to the professor, who focused his attention on her. Do you avoid marriage because of the woman you might marry or because of you? .

With eyes of bewilderment, montaser stared at Sanaa for a while, then answered:

- Because of me, of course.

- So... the girl paused for a moment and then added:

- Why was your brother unhappy?

Montaser straightened her clothes, smiled and replied:

- Because they and “them” want us to sail in one ship for one destination, and they ... So far succeeded in that.

- I understand, Sana said sadly, and then added :

- “They” always excel by strength of number, not by force of logic, and they will push you to leave and go away, and I do not want you to leave yet.

- Montaser quickly hugged her little body to his chest and said gently:

- No need to cry baby, I won't leave until we're done, I won't lea...

The torrent of words stopped and his heartbeat started to dance violently inside his chest, lightly he rose up after he was squatting and shouted:

- Principal , it is not what you think.

- I've seen all I need to see, said the principal, angrily, running toward his office, where the professor had stopped him.

- Do you really think I'm that crazy or sick? Sanaa is an innocent child, man.

With the phone in his ear, the principal stared at Montaser with fear and said:

- You're really crazy. Get away from me, or I'll call the police instead of the Education Department and you'll have more problems than just a disciplinary board.

***

After a whole day between the silent walls of his apartment, he finally heard a knock on his door, He slowly walked to open it to be greeted by the miserable features of his mothe, who invited herself in without introduction, She slowly took off her scarf and threw it on the living-room sofa. Then said worriedly:

- That was the strangest call I received in my life... My son is being brought before a disciplinary board! .

Montaser pulled a chair from the dining table behind him and sat down.

- The principal was always trying...

- It's not the principal's fault, said his mother . This is your problem alone, you are the one who refused to get married and here you are suffering because of that.

He looked through the window towards the sky, and a strange glimpse of peace appeared on his face. He said :

- Is the algerian civil war… or unemployment perhaps caused by the fact that I did not get married? .

- Don't try to be smart, boy, said the mother. You chose your own path, I'm not proud of what you've become, but I didn't stop you because it's your life.

- Yes... proud. Victor whispered wryly and then added :

- I started working at twenty-four before all of my brothers and here I am at thirty-nine... Those were fifteen years in which I took one million and gave you the remaining three, those fifteen years...

Montaser strayed for a while, trying to gather his thoughts. He followed:

- Fifteen years in which I lived on two or three shirts and two pants, everything in my father's house from the new door to the ceiling pillars are from my own money and this is my duty... I do not argue with that, but you find me wondering where your duty is? .

- my duty is... the mother said, but Montaser continued indifferently:

- Where is your duty? You were supposed to stand with me, even if i was incorrect but you chose to embrace the doctrine of tradition, you chose to sit here in this filthy landfill where I stood for fourteen years for you to tell me how proud you are of me.

The mother looked at Montaser who stood from his chair and said sadly:

- I didn't want this life for you, son...

- Of course you didn't! Montaser shouted . You were blinded you with bridal glee and wedding songs, every one of your sons worked to get away from you, every one of them worked to go away with a strange woman and I was the one who stayed... Any good teacher after ten years might become a school inspector or even a headmaster But I refused without saying a word... Without complaining once because that's what a good son does and that's the truth people hate to hear.

With difficulty, he caught his breath as he gathered his thoughts then said :

- i've been here fifteen years, try to stay here fifteen minutes... The roof is dripping and the gas isn't working. Warm your hands with your breath.

***

A week later, on a wooden chair in an empty waiting room, Victor sat with an antique lamp above him dancing softly. He was wearing a black suit accompanied by a loose red tie. After half an hour of wandering and repeating different verses from quran, the young secretary finally called his name and led him towards a white aluminum door with opaque glass, which she pushed quietly and gestured for him with her hand to enter. In the middle of that room was a round table, at the end of which were seated three members of the council committee. They were headed by an old man with black hair and a mustache with solid build and features who said as soon as montaser took his seat :

- I think we all want to get this over with quickly, so let's get straight to the point and start hearing you, Mr. Zair, as you try to convince us to end this council in a way that satisfies everyone.

Montaser took a sip from the glass of water placed in front of him and said solemnly:

- Because of a different path we have taken, we have to suffer at every bump. I have long chosen to live my life alone, and because of this I suffer. If you yourself have sons, I suppose you will stand with them in such a decision, and if they are daughters…

Montaser smiled sarcastically and continued:

They are strong and courageous because they chose not to get attached to a man, not to rely on him but in my case I was considered a pervert, irreligious, and not worthy of being proud of.

The head of the committee quietly took off his glasses and placed them on the table.

- I appreciate your words, Mr. Zair but the representatives of civil society sitting on my side are not convinced and want a firm decision and a firm answer from you:

Zair looked at the men for a moment and then said:

- An innocent soul once told me that society always wins by the strength of numbers, not by the strength of logic. If you put twenty armed monkeys against three defenseless humans, the humans will win because the monkey does not know how to use weapons.

- What are you saying the chief asked sharply.

- Perhaps we should put humans against logic instead of apes and see if the outcome is different.

Alright . The chief whispered before asking :

- do you have a history of mental illness? .

Confused, montaser replied:

- No, sir.

- And what about the family? , asked the man again so zair ansered :

- Not to my knowledge, sir.

- Well, said the man. Although we are affected by your sincere words and are somewhat convinced by what you said, we did not invite you here to talk specifically about your marital status, but about your psychological state.

- I don't understand," said montaser calmly.

The President of the Council moved uncomfortably on his chair and answered:

- We received a call from the principal of the elementary school where you work, telling us that you were attending a play with a girl from your class named Sanaa.

- That's right, Montaser said, as the man interrupted his conversation:

- But the problem is that there is no girl named Sanaa in your class, and the only girl you taught with that name is currently in college, the principal said that he found you crying in an empty classroom while you were talking to yourself.

- Montaser took another quick sip from the glass of water and asked in fear:

- What... what are you telling me?

- Calm down, said the chief, adding:

- We will not easily abandon an excellent teacher like you, especially after your answer, but you have to undergo psychological treatment sessions until your condition improves, and if you refuse, we will have to dismiss you ... Do you understand that? .

With difficulty, Montaser lifted his trembling body from the chair and said:

- Well, I just need a moment on my own, please... A moment on my own... Just a moment ...

And before he even knew it he passed away from the wight of the shock.

***

After the end of his treatment journey, which lasted more than half a year, Montaser wrote in one of his work notebooks :

- I really don't know if it was the pressure of society that pushed me to create Sana or the deep realization that I was alone! That's an answer I'm still looking for but I know one thing for sure and that is that Sanaa was a gift of solitude to me ... It is true that I ignored the signs, The headmaster literally calling my play " imaginary " , Sanaa said that she heard what happened between me and my brother in an empty room that no one entered and many other clues , but I also discovered that each person has his own peaceful place, a corner wich he resorts to to get away from everyone because Sometimes the best advice is the one you receive from yourself. Sanaa was simply that little rose that grew in a deep crevice that penetrated my soul , she was the rose in that creepy corner .