How to Survive Falling in Love

I was on the street for three years before I met him. A boney, blonde kid joined the crowd during my street performance. He was pale, bruised, and quiet. He stayed behind when the crowd dispersed and I collected my coins. We didn’t speak the same language, so I almost shrugged him off, but his eye was bruised, and it tugged at my heart strings. I know that kind of bruise, and that look of fear in his eyes. I couldn’t leave him. Curse my good boy nature.

I shared my food, and we exchanged words of our own languages, doing our best to build communication. First was names. I helped him pronounce Alesandre. Ah-less-on-druh. And he helped me pronounce Vlah-dik. It only took a few months before we were able to communicate effectively, a mix of Sicilian and Russian. With how short and skinny he was, I was shocked to learn he’s two years older than me. A short while later, Vladik finally told me his father beat him up and that he ran away, but he didn’t tell me why. I told him about my dad’s physical abuse and killing my mom, hoping it would help, but he still wouldn’t talk. 

But now, we’re in a mansion in America, training to be part of a new circus! I’m still only fourteen, but the owner has assured us that our training program follows all of the child labor laws. The equipment is fun to use, and learning English is easier than I thought! Vladik disagrees, and talks even less, but he’s assured me that he likes this place too. 

“Can we talk?” he asks on day in our unusual mix of languages. He looks so sad about it. Could it be he regrets coming here after all? We sit on the floor in our bedroom, and something about his mannerisms are making me anxious. Don’t leave, Vladik. At least, don’t leave without me. 

“I told you my father beat me. I think I should tell you why.”

I lean in, eager to hear his words.

He takes a deep breath. “He beat me because...I loved a boy in school. He was disgusted that I was a boy who loved another boy. As more than a friend.”

“That’s it? He beat you up for liking a boy? That’s terrible! Not that my father’s reasons were much better. In fact, I never even knew what his problem-”

“I was afraid to say sooner, because...well, because now...I love you.”

My breath catches in my throat, and my heart pounds in my chest. He’s staring at me, waiting for some kind of response. But I’m not sure which is the right one.

“I um,” I turn my face away. “I need a minute.” 

I stand and walk out of the room faster than I should, practically slamming the door behind me. My heart is pounding in my ears, and my breath trembles when I let it go. A walk. I just need a walk to figure things out. I power down the empty halls, begging my thoughts to sort themselves.

It isn’t that he likes boys that bugs me. It isn’t even his feelings for me that are making me uncomfortable. Love just never crossed my mind. My life was always about staying alive. I had to survive my dad’s abuse, survive on the street, and survive a trip to America with a new objective.

We bonded over what we had in common. We had to leave home to escape death, cutting our ties with dads who would never love us. We knew how it felt to take a fist to the eye, and feel betrayed by people we were supposed to depend on. We became a family. I could never abandon Vladik. But could I really love him?

He learned to read my mannerisms well enough to always know what I needed. He was by my side for so long, I can’t imagine life without him now. Every vision I have of the future shows Valdik right by my side, and it makes me happy. But kissing? Sex? Marriage? Okay, marriage is a stretch, but I never even wanted those from a girl. What would make Vladik so different?

He always looked at me with such kind eyes, like my mom used to. Beautiful, blue eyes that make my insides stir. He’s strong enough to adapt to whatever life throws his way. Strong enough to throw me into the air, and throw my heart for a loop. He gave me hugs when I needed them. I didn’t want to admit that they were comforting, in case he betrayed my trust later. But I also couldn’t admit that I never wanted him to let me go. When I thought he wanted to talk about leaving, I didn’t want him to go without me. I would throw away this circus gig in a second if it meant sticking with him. Could that be what love is?

Shit. I do love him. I love him more than I ever thought I could love someone. My heart aches at the thought of him leaving my side. Just like I did to him. I whip myself around and run back toward our room. I have to apologize. I have to tell him how I feel. Even if I don’t know much, I know I can’t lose him.

I’m out of breath when I make it back, and freeze in my tracks.

Vladik is closing our bedroom door, a small bag at his side. We had nothing when we arrived, but the owner helped us shop for clothes, and even got us each a suitcase to leave Italy with.

“I’m sorry,” he says. “I never meant to disgust you. Thank you for not getting angry, but I can tell you’re uncomfortable. I never should’ve said anything.”

“No!” I run over, grabbing his thick arm in both hands. “I mean yes, I was a little surprised at first, but I...I-” I can’t say it! Why am I scared to say it? 

“It’s okay,” he pulls his arm away to pat my head. “I know you didn’t mean to be rude. But I’ll be leaving to make you feel better. I only came along to be with you anyway. If that won’t happen, then I should leave you to pursue your own goals.”

“Vladik, you can’t leave!”

“You don’t have to be so nice. I’ll always cherish our friendship. I know you can never love me, but I wish you all the best.”

He turns and walks off, and my heart sinks, my jaw hitting the floor. I grit my teeth and take a deep breath, my fingernails dig into my sweaty palms. 

“I love you Vladik!” Believe me! Read my mind and my signals like you always do!

To my relief, he stops in his tracks. But he doesn’t turn around. My eyes sting, and water pours down my cheeks before I can stop them.

“I love you! I promise! I never knew what love was before you. That’s what made me have to leave. It wasn’t my feelings, or a lack of them. I just didn’t know that’s what I was feeling.”

Vladik turns back around to face me. His eyes are wide, and his mouth hangs open.

“I don’t know how to love,” I continue. “I don’t know how to kiss, or how to be a good boyfriend, or what I’m supposed to do or say next. All I know is that I don’t want you to go. I don’t want you to leave my side. I don’t know how to love you, but I can learn. Tell me what to do, what to say, and I’ll do it. I’ll do anything for you. Just please, please don’t leave.”

I drop my gaze to the floor and cover my mouth as tears drip to the floor. What the hell is wrong with me? I’ve never felt like I needed anyone before. In truth, I still don’t. If Vladik walked away, I’d survive as I always have. I’d go about my business accepting it as just another heartbreak. I already know how to make it on my own. I just don’t want to.

Vladik drops his bag and steps over, lifting my chin to look me in the eye. My heart pounds, and I prepare myself for his rejection. For him to tell me that it’s too late. That I hurt him too badly. That I’ll be stuck on my own forever.

Instead, he leans in, and his lips touch mine. This feeling. What is this feeling? It’s like a spark, something I can’t live without. Is this what a kiss feels like? I never imagined it could be so intoxicating. He pulls away - no, come back - and smiles at me.

“We’ll both learn to adapt,” he says. “like we always have.”

Tears overflow again and I press my lips back to his, wrapping my arms around him.

We don’t have to know what love is. We’ll figure it out together.