Unleased

What the hell is this?

You can see me?

Yes, I can see you, you yellow-eyed dick! Have you been on my computer?

Uh…

’Sublet available to single professional, no dogs, smokers welcome, 4/20 friendly’? You’re trying to replace me through Craigslist?

L-look, it’s just not working out—

Not working out? I pay rent on time! I clean the viscera out of the garbage disposal! I got rid of that snake in the crown molding!

That was my pet.

That was not clear!

Look, I tried reaching out to you! I left Ouija boards all over the place! I wrote threatening messages in the fog on the mirror! Did you even hear me ominously moaning your name?

Yeah, I heard you. And I refuse to respond to that tone.

Well, as a terrifying spawn of the unholy abyss, dread devourer of souls and corruptor of worlds, I’m feeling a little under-appreciated.

What I would appreciate is a little respect of my personal space. I would appreciate getting to watch TV without visions of Hell rippling through the static. I would appreciate going one night without somebody ripping the bedsheets away. And I’d really appreciate some interior design options that didn’t obsessively focus on upside-down crosses! Dunno if you noticed, pal, but I am not Christian!

Oh, I noticed! Learned Matthew 12:43-45 in Latin for my own amusement, I guess. Left all that cloven-hoofed statuary for you to pawn on EBAY, I suppose. What are you, anyway? I know you’re not Jewish.

Rude!

Sorry.

Boundaries!

Okay.

I don’t want to have to get a priest in here to bless the bathroom every time I want to take a shower!

I don’t want that, either.

Good! And I happen to be Taoist.

Hm.

What?

Big vanquishers of evil, the Taoists?

No, we accept it and retain our equanimity.

Well, that’s not really gonna work for me.

Why not? You want me to vanquish you?

I want you to try. A little salt circle on the ground, a little sage smudging in the air, make it look like I’m inspiring some level of terror. Yin-yang YOLO is not my ideal type. I prefer a first-time mother with a traumatic past or a paranoid college student with a passing interest in the occult, someone who can really get a blood-curdling shriek going. Just makes me feel dreaded, you know?

Well, tough tits, dude, you're stuck with me.

For now.

If it were that easy to get rid of me, you wouldn’t have to turn to Facebook Marketplace, would you? For all the dark chanting and the slithery wallpaper and the creepy dolls all over the place, there’s very little impact on anything that would threaten a security deposit, I notice. You can’t scare me if you have rules.

You know what? I do have rules. I’m not going to set fire to the curtains, because I know the sprinklers would cause water damage. I’m not going to carve my sigil into your skin, because I find brand tattoos tacky. And I’m not going to set maggots over anything in the fridge you've written your name on, because I respect the labeling system. In exchange, I don’t think a little crucifix-clutching is too much to ask.

Well, I’m not really up on my ‘Our Father’s, okay? Can’t I banish you with daily meditation and Yang-style Tai Chi?

I don’t know what that means, but it sounds filthy.

Look, dude, I signed the lease, and you respect contracts. So if this situation isn’t working for you, maybe you should leave.

Well, in my culture, leaving without getting fully exorcized is a real bitch move.

I don’t care! I’m not going to have a freeloading entity kick me out of my apartment over religious prejudice!

Woah! Devourer of souls, maybe, but I am no bigot!

Well, I think you could be a little more tolerant of my beliefs.

Listen, I don’t mind what you believe. I just need someone who believes in me.

Well, maybe you need to get out more.

Excuse me?

Yeah. You’re cooped up in here all day, oozing blood out of the same four walls. Maybe you need to expand your haunt a little bit. Creep out the neighbors, wreak havoc in the bodega. There is a Presbyterian church not two blocks from here.

Really?

You just need to separate your work life from your home life, okay? Don't fall victim to your work, and you can really work on your victims.

Don’t patronize me.

I’m not! Look, there’s some paranoid, college-age first-time mother out there who will be even more scared of you when you decide to take time off. You don’t have to deal with the social fatigue of constantly haunting someone's every waking moment. You can schedule in your poltergeist hours and still leave room for free time.

Free time does sound nice.

See?

No offense, but haunting you is exhausting.

Okay.

Can I ask you something?

Shoot.

Why did you ignore me? That sucked. I’m terrifying; I put a lot of effort into it. And it was disappointing when I thought you couldn’t see me, but now knowing you saw me the whole time, and didn’t react? Like I don’t even matter?

You do. I put up with a lot, living with you. The missing objects, the flying knives, the nightmares, which are getting oddly sexual, lately…

That’s not me.

Okay.

You just pretended I wasn’t there.

I know. I thought if I ignored you, you’d go away.

That sucks. That hurts.

That’s something I need to work on, actually. I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Although, it did seem like you wanted to drag me to Hell?

Oh, that’s not personal; I say that to everybody.

So, maybe we both need to communicate better?

Okay. I promise not to murder you in your sleep, reanimate your partially-devoured corpse, and get an impressionable Catholic to sublet the apartment with an option to renew month-to-month after the first nine months.

Thank you. I will try to be more sensitive to your needs as an evil entity.

Terrifying evil entity.

Terrifying evil entity. Right. I’d like to take a shower, now.

Got it. Boundaries.

Actually…I don’t mind. If you want.

I’m moving out.