Fiction Funny

Edgar is an ordinary man, who lives an ordinary life in rural Minnesota. At least he did until today.

“Lizzy!” he yelled to his wife of fourteen years. “Get down here. The news. Is this real?”

Lizzy was just coming out of the bathroom, and hurried downstairs with soapy hands. “What is it?”

“Aliens. This can’t be happening. Is this some kind of joke?”

“It must be.” replied Lizzy. “Like some kind of modern-day Orson Welles prank.”

On the TV, the newscaster was looking in every direction, terrified. Metallic blue saucers were flying and landing all over Washington D.C. “We need to get the f-“ he was cut off, and a few seconds later it went back to Sheryl and Duncan, the local anchors. Duncan stared blankly into the camera as Sheryl fidgeted with her notes. Duncan looked over at Sheryl and said, “I just pissed myself.” 

Sheryl laughed a loud, awkward laugh, followed with tears, then she ran off. A man came from behind the camera and said, “everyone stay in your homes. This is not a drill. We are under attack. Repeat, we…” The TV went to the emergency broadcast.

Edgar chuckled. “Frickin’ Duncan. I love that guy.”

“Right?” returned Lizzy. “Oh crap. Hun, the kids. They’re at the Mitchell’s down the road. What the hell are we going to do?”

“Honestly.” Edgar was appearing cool and collected, but his sweaty brow said otherwise. “I don’t think we should separate.”

“Agreed.” Said Lizzy.

Edgar continued, “Let’s get the kids, and come straight back.”


           Lizzy grabbed the keys to their station wagon, and she headed out first, followed by Edgar, who was struggling with his keys to lock the door. 

“I don’t think that matters right now, let’s go.” She said.

“It’s too late now, unless you want me to unlock it.”

“You’re such an idiot. I love you.”

They only had to drive three-quarters of a mile, but it was an intense drive. Edgar looked up in the sky from the passenger seat, hoping, yet fearing to see a UFO. Although now he pondered over them now being called FO’s. 

“Alright, you go in, I’ll keep the engine running,” said Lizzy.

“I’ll be as fast as I was the last night.” They both laughed at Edgars sexual inadequacies after mixing whiskey and wine.

Edgar banged on the door. Nothing. He started freaking out. Then he heard footsteps. A light patter. Like tiny little green aliens. He was starting to feel like Duncan the news anchor. Then Margaret opened the door, looking frail and sweet in her oversized dress. 

“Hi Edgar, you’re early. The kids are all out back. Would you care to stay for dinner?”

“Oh no thanks, I, uh…wait. No, there’s aliens everywhere. Didn’t you watch the news?”

As Edgar was closing the door she said, “we don’t own a television set, silly.”

Just then, to avoid the door, he bumped into Margaret and her drink tipped and spilled on his arm and right hand. 

“Oh, I’m so sorry. I’ll clean this up, go wash up in the bathroom. That stuff has cayenne pepper in it.”

“Fine. But don’t worry about this right now. Please, go get the kids.”

Edgar walked to the half-bath down the hall and went right in. He saw something that he was not expecting, and he gasped in fear.

“Oh, hey Edgar,” said Tom. 

“Whoa, I’m sorry man, I didn’t know you were in here.”

“It’s not a problem. I’m glad you’re here, I wanted to talk to you about the game last night. How about that last minute, wow.” 

“Hey,” interrupted Edgar, “I gotta get the kids.” He left the bathroom and looked to his right and saw Lizzy standing in the doorway, closing the door.

“What’s taking so long?” She asked.

“They don’t know what’s going on. Margaret is getting Michael and Samantha right now. 

Edgar walked up close to Lizzy and said quietly, “I just walked in on Tom. He’s taking a dump.”

Lizzy laughed. “Oh my god, how embarrassing.”

“He didn’t even care. He just sat there and brought up the game, as if he was hanging out in the living room.”

“Oh, that’s gross,” said Lizzy, as she laughed at Edgar’s misfortunes.

Edgar changed the subject, “where the hell is Margaret and the kids?”

           They both went out to the back, just as Edgar shuddered because he heard the toilet flush.

They saw out the back window, Margaret, her and Tom’s two kids, and Samantha and Michael looking up in the sky. “Oh no,” said Edgar.

They burst out the back door and that’s when they saw them. The FO’s. And they were landing all over the place. Three of them were coming in close.

Lizzy ran to her children and held them close. As she looked at the landing crafts, she whispered, “go inside the house. Now.” She said louder.

They looked for another second, then saw the look in their mother’s eyes and booked it inside. Edgar stared in shock, and curiosity, at the alien ships. He wasn’t very impressed by their small size. 

           And then it happened. A door opened and about two-dozen purple-fuzzy one-eyed and three-legged aliens came running out and started to charge Edgar, Lizzy and Margaret. 

Edgar laughed, and Lizzy said, “oh my gosh, they are so cuuute. And that wobbly pitter patter of those adorable little feet. Oh, that was just tripped on the hose.”

They came after Margaret first. Three of them jumped on her and started biting and clawing. She screamed in terror and ran around like a leaf in the wind. Then two latched onto Edgar. One on his left arm, and the other on his right leg. Luckily, Lizzy somehow avoided their attention, so she helped Margaret, upon Edgar’s suggestion. Edgar swatted the one off his arm, then grabbed the one on his leg, which had its teeth in deep. “Ha,” he exclaimed. “It’s like a furry water balloon. What the hell are these things? I just squeezed that thing with all my might and chucked it, and it seems perfectly fine.”

“Did that one actually squeak when it hit the ground?” Edgar asked Lizzy. 

She giggled. “We should get inside. Marge, come on!”

Margaret looked at them with the same fear and terror of a news anchorman who just peed himself on live TV. “It ate part of my pinky!” she cried.

They all ran to the door and made it in before the adorable, vicious aliens could make their way in. 

“What’s going on?” Asked Tom. “The kids are all freaking out.”

“Aliens!” yelled Margaret. Holding her bleeding hand dramatically in his face. Tom stared in a panicked disbelief.

Edgar asked, “Tom, do you have any weapons? A bat, rackets? Oh, or guns?”

“In the garage” Tom said. “Sports equipment.”

Edgar and Lizzy ran to the door of the attached garage and went in. Lizzy saw a large wrench on the workbench and went for it as Tom was going for the baseball bat.

Edgar was spooked by a huge crash. “They’re here!” he said.

“No.” said Lizzy. “That was me. I knocked over this huge jar of pennies.”

But there were aliens in there. At least two that they noticed. One of the aliens came after Lizzy, but when he walked over the pennies he started to scream and sizzle, then ‘pop’. 

Edgar, Lizzy and the second alien all stopped dead in their tracks and all five eyes were staring at the poofed remains of the alien.

“The pennies!” Yelled Edgar. “Grab some pennies!”

Lizzy picked up a handful, cutting her hand on the broken glass in the process. 

“Give me some pennies.” He said.

Edgar put a penny between his thumb and middle finger, cocked his wrist back, took aim at the cute little alien and snapped his finger, sending the penny flying. ‘Pop’. 

“Holy crap, I can’t believe that worked. They must be allergic to copper or something. This is perfect. Do you remember in college, no one could beat me at shooting bottle caps?”

“I remember very well.” Said Lizzy. “You never missed a target. But I never thought it would actually save lives.”

With no more threats in the garage, Edgar grabbed as many pennies as he could, careful not to cut himself. He preferred the older pennies, knowing that they contained more copper. “Hey, is your hand okay?” He asked.

“It’s fine. The bleeding is already slowing down. We need to get back inside.”

Edgar came into the house with every pocket full of pennies. “Alexa, play It’s the Final Countdown, by Europe. Turn the volume up to eleven.”

“Tom,” said Edgar. “Get anything you have made of copper. It makes them explode.”

Tom looked at him with great confusion but went off with an “okay.”

Edgar started swaying his shoulders back and forth to the music and told the kids to lock themselves in the bathroom upstairs. The bathroom he wished he used earlier. He wiped the sweat off his brow, then said, “I’m opening the back door. I got this.”

He went out just as the guitar solo came on, and he started snapping pennies. One after the other. Each one hitting their target. At first the aliens acted like fainting goats, then started running in circles and figure eights, sounding like dog toys as they bounced around. But that didn’t matter. Edgar enjoyed the challenge. He got a little sweat in his eye and rubbed it. 

“Shit!” he yelled. “The cayenne pepper.”

He bent over in pain, tempted to rub his eye more, but knowing that would only worsen his pain. There were just three aliens left in the yard. They seemed to catch on that their enemy was discombobulated so they started their attack. Imagine a baby laughing on helium. Not recommended, but adorable when you think about it. Maybe a little creepy too. That what the aliens sounded like as they made their deadly strike. Edgar looked up just in time to see the three aliens come in fast, but then he was showered by a few dollars’ worth of pennies. It hurt, and the popping aliens got into his lungs. But it was better than being gnawed on.

Edgar turned around and saw Samantha standing there with a mix of pride and fear on her face. “Very cool sweety. Thank you.” 

Not as cool as my technique, Edgar thought to himself, but certainly time efficient. Maybe not cost effective. 

Edgar walked back up the stairs and led Samantha back into the house. Everyone was shook up, standing in silence whilst holding their copper weapons of choice. 

“Hey, come check this out.” Lizzy said to Edgar. She had her phone out. “The news. The aliens are leaving. They say they have no idea why. All of their ships traveled to rural Minnesota, and then left.”

Edgar stared at the phone, even though he wasn’t watching or listening to it. 

“Honey.” Continued Lizzy. “I think they left because of you.”

Edgar had a huge smile on his prideful face and rattled his penny-filled pocket.  “Alexa, play Path of Victory by Bob Dylan.”

Paths of Victory by Bob Dylan is only avail- “

“Alexa stop!”

August 13, 2021 03:30

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Daniel R. Hayes
05:43 Aug 18, 2021

Hi John, I loved this story! The humor really made me smile, and helped give me a much needed boost. That's the great thing about good stories, they help take our minds off things for a little while. For your first story, I'm really impressed. Great job!


John Lindquist
20:06 Aug 18, 2021

Thank you, that's great to hear. I'm glad my story had that affect. That's the dream. I'm not new to story ideas, but this is my start in writing them down. Thanks for the encouragement!


Daniel R. Hayes
22:03 Aug 18, 2021

You're welcome, anytime ;)


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Tricia Shulist
22:03 Aug 15, 2021

Great story. That was fun. Aliens and copper. So imaginative! Thanks for this.


John Lindquist
23:29 Aug 15, 2021

Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it.


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