An Anti Social Lunch

“Let me sit with you.”

“Excuse me?”

“I need somewhere to sit.”

“Who are you?” 

“Kitty. I’m literally in your class. Can I sit with you?”

“Well…I—uh, we’re kind of full. Actually, not kind of. Definitely full.”

“Great, so who are we gonna kick off? Harper? Elsie? Jade? Everleigh?”

“No one but you is leaving. It just means that there’s no more space, so…you can’t sit here. And it’s not like we’re going to move table so…”

“That’s mean.”

“It’s the truth. I’m not moving table for some girl who I don’t even know.”

“I know!”

“What? You have a brain? What a surprise!”

“I know why you’re so…touchy. You’re anti-social.”

“What? No, you’re anti-social! That’s why you don’t have anyone to sit with.”

“See? You keep reflecting my words back on me.”

“What are you talking about? Seriously, I don’t have time for this. Can you leave? Please?”

“No. I’m going to help you, whether you like it or not.”

“Help me with what?”

“Getting over your Anti-Social Personality Disorder, of course. Why else would I help you?”

“I don’t have ASPD. I just don’t want you to sit with us.”

“Well, you’re still being mean.”

“So? Get over it.”

“Don’t be horrible to me!”

“I’m not. You’re annoying me. And my friends.”

“We’ll you’re annoying me.”

“Now, you’re just copying me.”

“It still means you’re anti-social.”

“What? No, it doesn’t.”

“Then why can’t I sit with you?”

“Because…”

“Because what?”

“Just because.”

“What kind of answer is that?”

“My answer.”

“Paige, I am going to sit down in three seconds, and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

“Well, Kitty, if you want to sit down, then sit down, for all I care! And don’t talk to me that way. You’re not my mother!”

“Great observation, I am most certainly not your mother. And now, I don’t want to sit with you.”

“Then don’t.”

“I have to help you get over your disorder! It’s my duty!”

“What did I just tell you? I don’t have ASPD. Duty as what?”

“Your friend. How can anyone be so mean without ASPD?”

“That’s just rude to people with ASPD, and you’re not my friend.”

“It’s true. And I am your friend.”

“Just leave us alone. I don’t even know you.”

“I’m going to call a teacher over.”

“What?! Why? Because I said I’m not your friend? That’s kinda stupid, don’t you think?”

“Just because…”

“Oh my gosh, you really can’t get any more irritating, can you?”

“That’s not very kind of you.”

“You standing here isn’t very kind of you.”

“You’re really mean.”

“Do I get a prize?”

“I’m going to get a councillor. For you. You’re welcome.”

“I don’t need a councillor. I am perfectly fine just the way I am and would be even happier if you decided to go and sit with someone else.”

“Oh okay then.”

“So you’ll go? Leave us in peace?”

“No! Learn to be happy with me!”

“What is your problem? Why do you want to sit with us?”

“Why shouldn’t I want to sit with you?”

“Erm, I really don’t know how to answer that.”

“Good.”

“Why is that good?”

“I’m not sure. Stop asking stupid questions.”

“Kitty, look. I am trying so hard not to hate you. But you keep making it really, really, difficult for me. It is literally killing me. There is no more space on the table, and despite how many times you ask, a space isn’t just going to open up. So, it would be super awesome if you could stop asking, and you know…maybe get a life. And some friends.”

“That’s mean, Paige.”

“Is ‘mean’ the only word in your vocabulary?”

“Stop patronising me!”

“I’m not!”

“Well, then, let me sit with you! Yesterday, you said that I could sit here tomorrow, and today is that tomorrow. So, I’m sitting here, right now!”

“I told you; I didn’t know you existed until ten minutes ago. I would never let someone I’ve never met sit with me. But if you wanna sit, then sit! I’ll just refuse to socialise with you!”

“But you’re being mean! Again!” 

“Make up your mind, Kitty. Do you wanna sit here, or not?”

“Erm, give me a minute.”

“Take as much time as you need.”

“I will!”

“Done so soon?”

“Yep. I’ve decided to give you one more chance.”

“A chance to do what?”

“For you to be nice to me.”

“If you think that we are ‘mean’ and horrible to you, then don’t sit with us.”

“It’s not them, Paige, it’s you.”

“Ouch, Kitty.”

“It’s true.”

“I’ll tell you what, Kitty.”

“Ooooh, yes?”

“In five minutes, you can sit with us.”

“Five minutes, why?”

“Because a space will magically open up in five minutes.”

“What about now?”

“No. Not now, in five minutes.”

“Kinda specific, don’t you think?”

“Doesn’t matter. Five minutes. Oh, look at that. Now four minutes.”

“Okay then. I’ll get my lunch.”

“Yeah, you do that. Have fun!”

“Okay, I’m going to get pasta! With extra cheese!”

“Good for you.”

“Back already?”

“Yep. How much longer?”

“Just one more minute…”

“This pasta looks so good.”

“Uh-huh. So delicious…”

“How many seconds?”

“Three…two…one…”

“I really hate that bell. Right when I get to sit down.” 

“Oh, look at the time! We have to go!”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s time for class! You know how Mr. Tully gets mad if we’re late!”

“But what about my pasta? What about sitting together?”

“I never said that we were going to sit together. I said you could sit at our table. Just not with us. And as for your pasta, take it with you!”

“That was a real mean thing to do, Paige. I bet you’re actually very nice, it’s just that your anti-social personality disorder is making that extremely hard for you.”

“I am not anti-social!”

“Then if you’re not social, what are you?”

“Someone who doesn’t like you?”

“Stop being so mean!”

“Then stop disturbing me!”

“You stop being anti-social!”

“I am NOT anti-social!”