You Can't Go Back

Trigger warning: Mental Health, Abuse, Self Harm 

  Looking back at the happiest day of my life, my wedding day, I realize how blind I was. I wish I could go back and warn myself of the hell I would put myself through. She was beautiful, still is considering what she put me through. Beautiful but crazy. Her whole family was for that matter. I was blinded by those pretty eyes and that playful smile. That playful smile it turns out was the inner psycho anticipating hurting me.

There were signs of course. A major shift in mood here and there, unexpected cruelty to someone or something that annoyed her, fascination with true crime documentaries and stories. Really though, that could be said to a whole lot of people in the world. Does that make everyone a bad person? I don’t think so. Still, all the trivial things did add up to some major red flags.

She started my torment mentally and verbally. Gaslighting me or just belittling me when I did things that displeased her. As my spirit weakened, she escalated it to physical abuse. I don’t need to go heavy into details. You have all lived it, seen it, or know someone who has.

It wasn’t all bad though. We travelled a lot. Saw a lot of people, places, and things. We ran with the bulls in Barcelona, we camped on Everest, swam the Great Barrier Reef. I wish I could go back to those fun times. Times where I could have freed myself from her tyranny and it would have looked like an accident. We all have regrets though, don’t we?

It was during these travels that I began to notice her strange proclivities. Some of our travels took us to some pretty dark places. Places where you could get stabbed in the middle of the street and the passersby would just step over you and continue on their way. There was on time when we were in some dingy drug den somewhere watching, and betting on, the Russian Roulette players. I was horrified. My darling wife made it clear that if I upset her, that I would be the next challenger in the game.

She was sexually aroused by it all. The danger, the death. Every click of the hammer on an empty chamber just bringing her that much closer to climax. On those unlucky pulls of the trigger when the chamber wasn’t empty though, she would grab my cock and squeeze while having quite the satisfying orgasm. As horrific as it all was, the sex that night was amazing, and she treated me really good for a few days. I know, I see it. The red flags were everywhere at that point. But by then it was all too late to leave.

Do you remember when I said her family was crazy too? Her brother was an ex-cop who now worked security for some gangsters. A beast of a man who knew where to hide bodies and how to cover his tracks. He was fired from the police after too many complaints of excessive force and some suspicions of being on the take. The type of man who would rather use his fists or a baton to deliver pain and retribution.

Her mother was schizophrenic and spent the days sitting on the porch having conversations with nobody. A few of those conversations erupted into fights. It was a disturbing sight watching your mother-in-law get her ass kicked by her invisible friend.

Neither one of them liked me very much. Said I was too weak to be part of their family. Too square. Oh, if I could go back in time, I would stop myself from meeting the girl of my younger self’s dreams.

I did some reading on the theories of time travel. Even investigated the occult side of it. I read a lot, kept my head down and did my best not to anger my lovely wife. I did all of the cooking and cleaning when we were home. I was more of a servant and plaything than I was a husband. Again, I am not going to get into details. My therapist says I am now coping with the traumas quite well and will leave it at that.

You are probably wondering how I got away from her and the family. My brother-in-law ended up beating his mother to death during one of her episodes and is now in jail. When they arrested him, they found all kinds of illegal things relating to his gangster job. He is thriving on the inside. A place where his brutality makes him a king and not a pawn. Yes, he is a former cop but the ties to his employer give him plenty of friends in the pen. He will be in there for a long, long time.

That was a rough time for my wife, which translated to pure hell for me. I could not take much more of it. I was ready to die to escape it. I was even considering the best way to do it. She must have saw something in my eyes, and not wanting to lose her plaything, decided to ease up on me. In fact, we went on another vacation. Beaches, sun, drinks, food, sex… we had a blast. I enjoyed it to the fullest while still keeping on the good side of my wife. It was all about keeping her happy so I could be happy.

Then she made the mistake of taking me to another illegal underground club. There was bare knuckle fighting rings, high stakes poker, and of course her favorite Russian Roulette.

She was obviously aroused by the violence everywhere around us though it did not seem to be as strong as before. Was she getting used to it? Would she have to go to even more extremes to get her jollies? I reached up under her skirt and started fingering her. She allowed it, enjoyed it even.

I leaned over and whispered in her ear. “Imagine us putting that gun to our heads. Feeling that intense fear as we pull that trigger. Hoping beyond everything that you hear a click and get to see me blow my brains out.”

She moaned louder with every sentence. The words conjuring images and fantasies in her head that she desperately wanted now. “Yes.” She breathed. “Yes. Yes. I want it.”

Yanking my hand out of her, she stood up and pulled me to my feet. “We are next.” She yelled above the din of the crowd.

So that’s how I ended up here. Gun to my head watching the crazed look of psychotic ecstasy in my darling wife’s eyes. The anticipation almost too much for her.

I wish I could go back in time. Back before I met her. I can only imagine the happy life I would have had without her. I cannot go back though because time travel doesn’t exist.

I would very much like to see that beautiful face destroyed when she finds the loaded chamber in her revolver. But even if I am the unlucky one, at least I will be out of this hateful marriage.

End