Stealing is bad. Don't do dat.

It was a particularly shweaty day in June 2021, 11:13 am and something came ova me. Sun must cause insanity. How ‘bout I get an extra job of sorts? I need more dolls. It seemed like a verrrry good idea at the time. I’m full of good ideas methinks.. Heat does dat. So I proceeded. Application submitted! So I paced around for two full days without food, water or bathing to hear back. Then magically, I got a call back for an interview. Thankfully.

By the way, my name is Jim. Some call me Jim Bob, Jimmy, Jay, Conner, and occasionally Willie.

I stood looking at the cards by da front register waiting for my interview. Might’ve slipped a few in my pocket. Whoops! How did those get there? A lovely gal greets me and looks me up and down. I also look her up and down. Fair, right? But she isn’t lovely. Maybe it’s the meth.

“Yeah, you’ll do.” She says snickering. I mean, they were bizzy, so I didn’t take it offensively.

“Sooo, I’m hired and stuffs?” I question with a half smirk.

“Yep. See ya tomorrow at 1pm.” She retorts and walks away to pretend to be busy. Whoa, that was just a lil easier than I thought it’d be.

“I’ll be there or be square!” I say waiting for a response. Clearly she wasn’t even listening. The store was packed like expired sardines and shoplifters were amuck. How dare them! I can’t imagine who’d eva steal.. Total vile animals. Criminals that’ll definitely go to the river of burning death.

I got da job! I patted my back. Wowza, I must be sumfin’ special, right? Sure they have verrrrry high standards. Or maybe they liked my brown shoes. Big ego boost, but anywhoozy..

All I could tink about was all the new dolls I could get with this extra income. I mean sure, I’d neva have a free weekend for the rest of my life, never see my family or friends again.. But dolls! Gotta sacrifice for the finer thangs in life. If ya hadn’t noticed I wuv dem. Gotta stay focused I told myself. Those plastic thangs are my bestest frands. Plastic is fantastic, right?

First glorious day is upon us. This reasonably sorta, kinda handsome guy comes through my checkout lane. By handsome, I mean super old, desperate, dentures, bald.. Hay, ya like what ya like! Don’t judge me.

“I don’t think I’ve seen you before missy.” He says gruffly, pushin’ his dentures in.

“That’s furny because I don’t tink I’ve seen you befer either mister.” I respond lookin’ at him wit my good eye.

We have a moment of silence and intense eye staring. It should be awkward, but I kinda like it. Why does wrong feel so right at times?

His eyes light up and his whole demeanor changes and shifts.

“So.. how ya like workin’ here?” He spits when he talks.

”I think it’s hell on this piece of garbage earth to be honest, but I wanna buy more crap that I don’t need and ruin the environment.” I tell him. I believe honesty is the most important thang.

He chuckles a whittle, then sneezes and farts at the same time. Could’ve been a shart. I didn’t check.

“I know all about it miss.” He tells me and of course I smile. Think I got dis. I got life. Feelin’ good.

That’s befer it got real bizzy. Toilet paper was sliding off shelves quicker than diarrhea. Mmmm. Makes ya hungry, right? I know I am. Remember I haven’t ate for days. Unless you count that one fry I conveniently stole delivering doorcrash. Another story for anotha day.

That’s when it got reeeeeal bad, or that was my perception anyway.

A very lovely couple tried to get out with da paper in the bottom of their cart. My spidey senses came alive. I’m like oh heckers no! I jumped into Jackson action and approached them with the most kind approach. By kind, I mean I chased them down and threatened them with physical assault.

“I ummm, noticed you didn’t pay for that Angel Swift stuffs in the bottom of ya cart.” I said very uncomfortably in my lil dress and bow head band. Kidding.. I was wearing a headband with horns. Like usual.

“Who are you silly lil girl?” She retorted and got in my pretty face. She needed her nails done yesterday. Actually, about a year ago.

“I’m nuffin’ except your worst nightmare unmaintained broad.” I breathed my rotten teef breath in her face. She probably sucked it in, ate that up, bottled it, and made perfume.

That’s when da boss stepped in. A beautiful cowgirl. The kind that orders eleven meals a day and wears a gigantic belt buckle so people know she’s a country gal that listens to George Strait. She could be Satan.

“What’s goin’ on here?” says da boss. They refuse to tell people their name and we don’t even try to know out of fear.

“They trying to steal. It was dem.” I say innocently with big Bambi eyes pointing to the couple. What scammers! Just the worst.

Da boss lunges at them with her big belt and security shows up.

“No toilet paper for you sir!” Security man says slapping them both, and then desperately grabs the toilet paper. They rolled around for the Angel Swift for what felt like hours. If I have any advice, stay on his good side.. If that exists.

“You know what? I quit.” I walked out the front door in stealth style. They might’ve thought I was kidnapped.. But that’s not really my problem.

I blame the heat. Definitely the heat.

Intercom.. “Jim? Are you in the store? We need you to the front desk. We’re worried you may have been kidnapped. Thanks.”

I want some icecream and a new doll. I earned it. I worked super duper hard yo.

The moral of da story? Marry an old, rich, bald millionaire with dentures and you can have all the dolls and arsecream ya want.