GRIEF RULE BOOK

It was past 1 am on Saturday. The only sound in the kitchen was the water running as Maddy was washing some plates. Only thirty or forty minutes earlier the room had been ringing with chatter, music, laughter, and clinking glasses. George’s, much dreaded, 27th birthday party had come and gone and all that was left now were the empty bottles, burst balloons, and wrinkled gift wrap. Maddy washed her hands and stopped the tap before calling out for George. When the only reply she got was her own voice echoing in the empty room, she walked to the living room and smiled. George was lying on the sofa, one of his arms was hanging down, touching the floor, and the other one under his head. His eyes were shut but she couldn’t quite tell whether he was sleeping or not. Quietly she walked to the sofa and sat on the floor near where George’s head was lying.

“You were supposed to help me clean up a bit before bed. I guess we can always finish that tomorrow.“ She whispered through soft chuckles, her fingers twirling and twisting George’s tangled curls. “I hope you know how proud I am of you.” George shuffled a little and opened his eyes, which were wet and bloodshot. 

“All night I could feel people judging me, questioning what and why I was doing it, thinking it was too soon.” He mumbled as he moved his arm up and started running a single finger up and down Maddy’s arm. “They wouldn’t say it but I could hear it “His mum only died a few weeks ago, it’s too early for parties.” Do they think I don’t remember, that I forgot, that I don’t wake up and fall asleep thinking about it?” His voice was getting louder with every word and Maddy could feel his anger building up, his touch now more rushed and aimless. She didn’t quite know what to say, they had been over this again and again, so instead, she cupped his cheek and planted a kiss on his forehead.

“Do you ever dream of her?” She asked a few moments later, it almost slipped out of her mount, so she looked down nervously. 

“Sometimes. But I never know if she wants to tell me something or I want her to tell me something. It’s confusing more than anything really. It can be comforting but that’s when I start to question it.”

They stood like that for a bit, Maddy’s hand on his cheek, his on her arm, heads lying close. The only sound in the room was the last song on the record Maddy had put on when everyone left. When the music stopped, she stood up and carefully picked up the needle, then put the record in its sleeve. She smiled at the writing on it. 

“I bet no other person in the world writes all their thoughts about an album on the sleeve.” She laughed turning towards George, who had sat up. “And I know you’ll never stop being that one person who does that. People,” She paused and let out a sigh. “they expect you to not be you anymore, they expect you to not love and enjoy the things you loved and enjoyed before your mum was gone.” George didn’t need to but he nodded, shrugging his shoulders and rocking slightly side to side. Maddy put the record in its place, walked back to the sofa, and kneeled in front of George. She cupped his face with both hands and ran one of her thumbs over his lower lip. “And yes, I’ve never seen you cry so much before or close yourself in so much but also I’ve never heard you laugh so hard and never seen you dance so merrily and never seen your eyes sparkle so much before. You appreciate every moment of life now.” George’s smile grew big and he planted a kiss on one of Maddy’s palms. “And I hate that people want you to be unhappy.” George’s head fell against Maddy’s chest and she embraced him tightly, probably more tightly than ever before.

Maddy didn’t have to look at the time to know it was still way too early. In the crack between the two curtains, she could see soft light starting to break the gloom. Her eyes moved to George who was lying next to her, looking all happy and calm. A faint smile broke on her face as she turned on her side so she could fully face him.

“Why aren’t you sleeping?” He asked under his breath, eyes still shut, and she quickly wiped the tears that had started rolling down her cheeks.

“I’m a bit chilly, was just going to get another blanket. Do you want one?” She mumbled the first thing that came to her mind and swiftly got up from bed.

“Why are you lying?” George asked sitting up, hand running through his messy curls pushing them away from his face. She shrugged her shoulders and let out a sigh before turning around to face him, allowing him to see her red face, wet eyes and cheeks, and her bleeding lip that she couldn’t stop chewing on. George nodded to the empty space next to him and Maddy lied down, head in his lap as she’d always do when upset. They had been in that situation before, more times than she was willing to admit, but these days it was different, she felt more embarrassed and guilty. 

Smiling softly, George started stroking her hair. “I know I don’t say it as much anymore, but you’re beautiful, you know that?” She let out a chuckle, partly because he was always so sweet with her, partly because her body was burning with anxiety. “You know I’m not going to make you talk about it but if you want to, I’m here to listen.” George was almost certain where her mind was wandering. He had feared it wouldn’t take long for those memories to obsess her mind once again. She had lost someone too, but she had lost them way before they were dead. She grieved, in fact, she’d been grieving all her life. But her grief was so very different to his that he felt that anything he could say would be inadequate, and maybe even wrong.

Maddy didn’t want to speak either. She felt guilty for being upset when George was the one who had a reason to grieve. For her, grief had been a life-long state and she was trying very hard to allow George to experience his sorrow without bringing up her own trauma. Still, her mind couldn’t help but dig out those memories and she knew George knew her well enough to be aware of that. They had talked about her childhood before, about the mother who was there in the flesh but never in the mind, about people expecting her to feel helpless and mournful when she was 17 and her mother passed away but…

“Relief, I only felt relief.” She mumbled staring into space and George nodded knowing well what she was referring to. “They never understood, like they will never understand you.” 

“You’d think dealing with death would be the one thing you’re allowed to do your way but apparently there’s a rule book for that as well.” George’s voice was still somewhat weak as he had not yet fully woken up but Maddy could feel the anger and frustration in it. She stood up and opened the curtains letting in the soft blue light of the morning before she went back to bed and snuggled in George’s arms. Through the windows, they watched the sky changing its colours as the sun was slowly preparing to shine upon them again. Maddy sobbed softly, her tears burning into George’s bare chest and all he felt he could do was embrace her, plant kisses on her hair and remind her she was not alone. 

As Maddy was drying all the now washed plates and glasses, George burst into the kitchen with a mop singing along to the record playing in the next room. A glass crashed into the floor before she could even process dropping it but instead of fussing about it, she started laughing as George kept belting out a cheesy 80s rock ballad without breaking character for even a split second.

“You’re such a weirdo!” Maddy shouted through giggles as she moved away from the shattered glass. Throwing the mop to one side, George extended his arm to her, still singing in full voice, and she immediately grabbed his hand. As they swayed from one side to another, George kept singing, albeit not as loudly, and Maddy couldn’t stop chuckling. Eventually, she rested her head on his shoulder and stared at his profile, his muscles moving as he sang each word, his curls brushing against her forehead. It was one of those moments when time stood still, you felt complete like you had finally discovered the meaning of life and it was that very moment itself.

“I love you.” He looked down at her and whispered before kissing her lips, softly as if he was kissing her for the first time. The way she kissed him back spoke her response. 

Once they had tidied up everything else, they sat opposite each other on the floor and started going through George’s presents. They chatted as each of them sorted out through their pile.

“What were you dreaming of earlier, you seemed quite calm and happy?” Maddy asked while flattening yet another box.

“It was Mum. But it was only brief really.” George replied with a somewhat hurried voice. Noticing that, Maddy didn’t push him and kept folding a piece of gift wrap. A minute or so later, George finally started talking. “She only said one thing, you know. She said “Marry her.” but see, that’s when I get confused. Because last night, as I was chatting to...“ He paused trying to remember who it was and all Maddy could do was raise her eyebrows confused at whether George was being serious or this was another one of his jokes. “... it doesn’t really matter, but I saw you across the room. You were dancing on your own, bare feet, arms in the air, your hair bouncing as you moved and I just knew that I had to ask you as soon as possible. So you see I don’t know if it was really Mum encouraging me or it was a self-imposed dream.” Maddy kept staring at George with a confused look, eyebrows raised and mouth slightly open. “Anyways, I’m rambling. So will you?”

“Marry you?” She spoke slowly not sure if she had followed his train of thought.

“Yes”. He nodded energetically and she couldn’t help but laugh, shaking her head.

“Yes.” She quickly replied and playfully kicked his knee with her leg. “Yes, I will marry you.”

They ended up falling asleep on the sofa and wouldn’t wake up until well into the afternoon. As they opened their eyes, they’d recall the singing and dancing that happened the previous night, they’d remember their chat at the break of dawn and they’d laugh at how the best part of the party was tidying up early in the morning together, just the two of them. Probably just after that, they’d remember they were missing someone, either someone they loved and had recently lost or someone they never truly had. They’d look at each other, their eyes may be a little bit wet, and they’d smile faintly at each other. Then they’d both burst into laughter when they remember they’d made a promise to each other just as the sun had finally revealed itself in its full glory. A promise to write their own rules books together.