Senior Year

October 18, 2020

So, uh, I don’t really know what I’m going to write in here. I just bought this random notebook on a whim. Kylie (my friend btw) said she was going to write in a diary this year so she could look back on it when she’s older. I get it, I guess. It’s our senior year in high school. An important year before we go to college and officially become adults... Should I introduce myself? This is MY journal, but I guess it wouldn’t hurt. Hello notebook, I’m Lauren Caroll. I’m 17 years old and a senior at Kennedy High School. It is currently around 1 am. I don’t have anything else to do, which is why I’m writing in this notebook. I’m bored. I should be asleep, but I can’t seem to find a good position to sleep in. I don’t want to become an adult. Granted, I’m literally like 7 months away from officially being an adult, but I don’t want to ACTUALLY grow up. If that makes sense. I’m excited to go to college. I will finally be able to study what I’ve always wanted! But lately some days, like today, I find myself wondering what’s going to happen after college. Will I move back with my parents? Will I find my own place? Will I move really far away? Am I going to have to rent an apartment? Will I still be able to hang out with my friends? 

This will all probably sound stupid to the future me, but these are real concerns for me right now. Will I get MARRIED?! It is intimidating to think about the future. It feels awkward writing in this cheap notebook. I keep writing and stopping and then writing again. My pen is running out of ink too. I’m pretty sure I’ve made at least a few grammar mistakes. Mrs. T would kill me if she saw this. Not that she will. There is no way I’m letting my English teacher read about my lack of confidence in myself for the future. 

I don’t even know why I’m trying to write properly. It’s my private writing stuff. I guess school really did pound the whole paragraph, commas, semicolons thing into me. I will definitely miss my high school friends, and my family, and the dollar store across the street when I move. I wish that the college I want to go to would be in-state, but there aren't any really good music schools here. It’s crazy, in these short 17 years I’ve decided I want to study music, I’ve gone on a lot of road trips, I have learned about people and money and what I like and what I do not. I have learned that I love chocolate and hate peanut butter and that I’m allergic to oranges. I’m going to sleep. It’s getting really late. And my hand hurts.

October 22, 2020

It has been a few days since I wrote in here. Kylie says she’s writing in her journal everyday. I don’t have the energy to write that much, so I am going to do it whenever I feel like it. I don’t want to burn out too quickly. Some of my friends already have senioritis. I’m surprised I don’t. High school has been hellish. Standardized testing, college applications, friends, homework. These past four years have been a trip. I wish I had taken up journaling earlier. There’s something very freeing of just grabbing a cheap pen and this plain notebook and just writing whatever comes to mind. After writing that first entry a few days ago I’ve felt so relaxed and like a huge burden has been lifted. I became kind of stressed today because of my calculus test today. I don’t feel great about it, but I don’t feel terrible about it. If you ask me, I hate feeling that way. I’d rather know if I did terrible or great right away. Uncertainty scares me. I realized that last time I wrote in here. When something isn’t certain or 100% guaranteed I become intimidated. I’ve always heard the phrase that humanity is scared of what they don’t know, but I didn’t really think it applied to me until now. It’s probably because I’m at one of the most uncertain points in my life. I’m applying to colleges I don’t know if I will get into and even if I do get into college, it will probably be somewhere I’m not familiar with and that doesn't have a dollar store across the street.

November 10th, 2020

It has been a long time since I’ve written in here. Actually, I forgot this thing even existed. I found it in one of my desk drawers at the very back. Nothing has really happened in the past few months. Kylie and her boyfriend broke up a few weeks ago. I didn’t see that coming, but it kind of makes sense. They want to study in completely different parts of the country. I’ve finished a few of my college applications. It’s very stressful. There’s so many essays and I have to make sure that the school sends my transcript. A senior last year nearly did not get accepted by one of their top schools because the school didn’t send their transcript. The school had a dance. It was mediocre. Maybe it’s just because I want school to end as quickly as possible, but the school year seems to be dragging. I do not even know what the word motivation means anymore. I’m just doing work because I have to and I’m doing it late. I really hope the whole year is not like this. That would be painful. Life is pretty boring right now. We’re supposed to have a super cool senior trip so hopefully that will make up for it. Next year, I will be going to college and I’ll probably miss high school and my hometown, the latter more than the former, but until then I will have to bear with all the ups and downs of senior year.