What Does My Body Mean to Me?

Monday

Dear Diary:

The sun is outside. I am sad because Mommy made me go to my gymnastics class and Daddy said that it will be night when we come back. Daddy said we can go tomorrow but I'm still sad.

Today Mrs. Libby said that we will be in Grade Three after May and June and July and August! Lucy and I are scared of switching because a Grade Three stole Lucy's blue kitty pen and she might steal her green puppy one and we might be in a classroom with no locks. Mrs. Libby also said that my story "Olivia and Ken's Treasure Hunt" was very good. We had carpet time and when I held the talking wand I said that I love gymnastics. It has made me strong just like my older brother Zach. Zach says that I look very cute and that gymnastics will make me stronger and prettier. I like sneaking onto the couch when he sleeps and smelling his hair. He smells like the shampoo Daddy uses. Don't tell him that Diary!

I have to go to gymnastics now! Lucy and her Mommy are here.

Love, Sophie "Seo" Kornak

Tuesday

Dear Diary:

Me and Bella were doing jump rope at recess and I heard Lucy and Brooklyn and Kate playing with some makeup and talking about skinny waists and how Grade Six is hard. Lucy said that she is skinny because she doesn't eat breakfast and dances five times a week. I asked Zach today if he thought I was skinny because I only do gymnastics two times a week and he said that I am very pretty and perfect the way I am. But I dunno, I think my brother is making me feel better by lying because you know, he's supposed to tell me the best things about me, even if they aren't true. I have a ring of fat around my belly and when I wear bikinis it hangs there. I kinda wish I was as skinny as Lucy but maybe Zach is right? He's never given me any reason not to trust him.

- Seo

Wednesday

July is here. It's supposed to be a wonderful time for me when I am supposed to sit on the porch with Bella or play soccer and build robots with Zach. Supposed.

Yesterday I was playing Lava Tag with Zach and some other kids from our neighbourhood (Zach had a day off from his part-time job and decided to hang out with me). I was tired and decided to sit on the swings while Zach let our new puppy chase him. Then the girl who lived two streets down from us also decided to sit on the other swing and we began talking about our dogs.

Then I was about to join Zach in playing tag with our pup but suddenly the girl asked me to stand up and face her. I did so and she squealed that "oh thank goodness! I'm skinnier than you and you're in Grade Eight!" And I stared at her. Zach noticed that I looked shocked and went over, shooing the girl off and taking my arm and leading me over to the naturalization area. I told him what she said and he said that skinniness was irrelevant to whether or not I live a good life. He said that he was a senior in high school and his girlfriend wasn't the skinniest girl ever but he wouldn't date anybody but her. I still feel unsettled. Not everybody in the world is as non-judgemental as my brother.

- Seo

Thursday

So Bella and I went trick or treating last night (yeah, we're still in Grade 10 and still begging for candy from adults) and a boy from my gym class walked up to us and asked me what I was supposed to be. I awkwardly answered that I was dressed as Taylor Swift. The boy just started laughing. When Bella demanded what was so funny, he asked me "Seriously? Don't you know that Taylor Swift is supposed to be skinny?"

Bella dragged me home and interrupted Zach and his girlfriend playing Mario Kart. I don't really remember much because I felt shocked. I didn't believe that it actually happened. Zach didn't ask, either. He pulled Bella and me in between him and his girlfriend and we played with his Nintendo Switch for the rest of the night. It was quite cozy, I have to admit!

This morning, Zach pulled me aside as I stumbled towards the shower. He said that he and his girlfriend wanted me to go to breakfast with them. TL;DR, Zach and his girlfriend told me that "who cared if I was pretty?"

I don't know what to do. My brother and probable future sister-in-law told me that my personality was what mattered, but they were never in my high school. Zach met his girlfriend in their sophomore year of high school and are still together. No guys have shown any interest in me. I really don't know what to do.

- Seo

Friday

Grad night was yesterday! My mom and Zach's fiancée (I keep forgetting to mention her name is Abby) came over earlier just to help me with my makeup. They also went out with me last week to help me pick a dress (Zach if you are reading this I full-heartedly approve of your fiancée). The first thing my future sister-in-law did was run to Aisle 12 and picked out a form-fitting lilac dress. I can clearly remember her and my mom agreeing over how "my curves are gorgeous" and how "I should display them more often". When we were doing my makeup, they told me to manipulate the eye-shadow colours to make my eyes pop. And I am confused. I went into prom thinking that I was beautiful, that I was sexy, that I was pretty, but yet, I had no date. I still don't have a boyfriend. All those skinny girls, the same girls I went to elementary school with, were the dates of the boys who were on the football team. What sets me apart from those girls?

- Seo

Saturday

Zach and his girlfriend got married yesterday. I now have an older sister!

When Abby walked down the aisle, all the bridesmaids' eyes all focused on her, I noticed that she was wearing a mermaid-style gown. It was so similar, yet so different from the dress I wore to prom, two years ago. Zach is right. She isn't the skinniest girl in the world. She isn't the sexiest girl in the world. But her head was held high, her lips were pulled wide by a smile. Her hair was done so that it framed her beautiful face. And as I stood there, fidgeting in my high heels and rose gold dress, I heard Zach and Abby's voices from my childhood, telling me that skinniness meant nothing in the long run. And the entire time, I thought they just didn't understand. They just didn't want to hurt my feelings.

I'm sitting on my sofa in my college dorm room and my cat is sleeping on my lap. I admit it, there are girls in the college club that outshine Abby in terms of "net" beauty (being the nerdy math student I am). Yet, even next to those girls, Abby's eyes are prettier. Her curves are prettier. Yes. She isn't the most beautiful girl in history. But there are parts about her that made her beautiful. Her eyes, which shone like an emerald under the dying sun. The way her eyebrows stood out without makeup. The way her humour always lit up my day. So here I am, contemplating whether or not to eat that granola bar on my counter. I would answer all the rhetorical questions I've mentioned but I should head over to that dreaded 8:30 am class. Also, even though I would rather muse over this in my pyjamas, I still need to start my math dissertation. It's due in two days.

- Seo

Sunday

It's the end of a long shift at the hospital near my apartment as a plastic surgeon. The cars are pissing me off, but nothing beats rush-hour traffic.

I operated on a seventeen-year-old girl today. And I saw so much of myself in her. As a young child, looking at my peer who was far skinnier than I was, I thought that being skinny was everything. As a teenager, despite the words of my brother and his wife (then girlfriend), I hated my body, even though it did so much for me. It took four years of medical school and six years of plastic surgery residency for me to realize how much my body did for me. I wasn't doing any favours for my body. It keeps me alive. It allows me to sing. It allows me to dance. It allows me to drive my BMW. It allows me to raise my scalpel to do my job.

I would write more but I'm feeling exhausted. Maybe I'll write more tomorrow.

- Sophie

note: several ideas in this story were taken from the video made by Allure (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5mP5RveA_tk)