My True Self

Standing in the final battle. We saw him breathing heavily through his mouth, gasping for air. I saw the white veins protruding, going deeper into his skin than before. This time it was more painful as he screamed with delight like a drug addict asking for more. He already has his foot in the grave, and I can’t let that happen to him.

He’s my friend. I kept repeating those words over and over. Trying so hard to convince my denial brain that he wouldn’t hurt us anymore and that we might have to end his life. I remembered the vial of antidote our professor gave to us after his passing. I couldn’t do it. I can’t save him. I’ve been prepared for the worst and yet, I’m nothing but a coward to my friends as he is laughing like a psycho. His eyes turned pale. The clock does not like to wait. 

“Mizuki!” Hana cried out. “It’s me! Don’t you remember? From middle school?!” She stumbled slowly towards him.

“Hana! Don’t walk any further!” I yelled. She stopped in her tracks. “He might attack you or worse.”

He clutched both of his hands on his head, screaming in pain. He falls to the ground writhing around. His face was getting contoured as it was becoming more unrecognizable. His whole skin is turning more white than ever to the point he's crying. He sobs harder. 

“Now what?” Hana said. “If we get close to him we might get infected.”

“But the…” I stared at the syringe in my hand filled with green liquid inside. A chill spills down my spine violently. Without thinking my feet started to move closer to him. “Nobu! What are you doing? Get away from him!” bawled Hana, her voice became all shaky. 

I saw my friend struggling to stand on his two feet. Failing miserably, it felt like he was fighting with himself. His shadow self that he doesn’t want to face. Maybe that’s why he is turning white quicker. “M-Mizuki? Can you hear me? It’s me, Nobu. I’m going to save you. You don’t have to fight this alone–”

“Get away…!” he sounded so distorted and angry when he spoke, I couldn’t make out what he was saying. His eyes lifted up to me. Mizuki’s pupils are fully white making him blind. There was a crack splitting through the right side of his face. I gasped, stumbling back. I remember my professor saying something about when a person doesn’t confess to their true self, it makes it even harder to pull them back into reality. Even if they’re too far gone, there is no way of saving them from the white plague that has already inflicted him. 

Hana and I have no plan whatsoever on how to save him. It’s two against one. Even if we try to reach him. He will still resort to blocking us out. Should we let him die? I glanced at Hana and her eyes were wet with tears. I took a step back, jogging towards her. 

“Now what? We can’t get close to him. I have to find a way to get close to him without getting infected.” I said. She wiped her tears with the back of her hand, half smiling at me. “What if you can touch him, Nobu? You are the closest friend he’s ever had…and I haven’t been active since I moved away, he can’t possibly remember me. Could it be possible that if you can reach out to him, you could be able to stop the plague?

I turned to face my opponent, still wriggling around trying to fight with his impulses. I made my way over to him. I shoved the syringe into the pocket of my pants as I stepped forward I could feel something cracking underneath my feet. With each careful step that I make, the ground creaks under me. Mizuki’s head lifted up when he looked straight at me. His whole body was pure white as the snow caps on a mountain peak. His skin was smooth and shiny all over with the thin cracks clothing him. I paused when I looked down, seeing that the floor was about to give way. 

“Mizuki! The floor! You have to get out of the way!! It’s–” I screamed.

Then a powerful rift shot through the floor pulling under as it broke, creating a hole. “Nobu! Grab my hand!” Hana quickly swoops in trying to reach for my hand, I reach my hand to grab hers. She is too late as our hands brush up against each other as Mizuki and I fall into the abyss. 

“Ahh!” I shrieked. 

“Nobu!!” Her voice fades away from me, growing more and more silent. 

I wake up at the bottom of some wet surface. Around me, everything was white and nothing but white. An endless void all around. I sat up straight gazing up and seeing a mirrored reflection above me. I couldn't see my own reflection through the mirror, but inside the mirror’s reflection, Mizuki was hugging his knees. He is his normal self and not glowing white. He weeps quietly to himself. I stood up. I had enough space to reach, but I couldn’t break through. I try to touch it. My fingertips could barely touch the glass. I sat down in the same position as him quietly rocking back and forth. 

“Mizuki, you can resist your impulses. I know you. We have been friends ever since middle school. I can read you like an open book. I understand the situation you’re going through. You know that you didn’t hurt him at the same time I am here with you no matter what. You’re not as alone as you think you are…you have me and Hana.” I looked up seeing Mizuki not responding to me. I continued on. “I already knew about the incident. You’re just afraid of telling the truth of what really went down. You are just afraid of showing your true self. So stop running! Just tell them what really happened. I’m sure they’ll understand.”

“...No, I can’t tell them. Even if my shadows slowly engulf me in my shell. I won’t be able to hurt Hana or you. I am a killer. A stupid, worthless, useless–” He bewailed, covering his face in his hands. 

“Stop saying that! I argued. “You are not a killer, you are not worthless! Mizuki, you are our friend! What happened years ago does not matter. What matters now is that we don’t have enough time. Your body will slowly be covered and you’ll disappear forever. You have to resist them.” 

Tears began to well up in my eyes. My throat started to close up. I looked through the mirror seeing streaks of white running up his body. It couldn’t help the tears trickling down my eyes blurring my vision. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to reach you. Just know that Hana and I will help you if you can just let us in. We can help you like we always do. You are not stupid or useless. You are smart, witty, and helpful and you are not afraid of being in your own skin. You just don’t believe in yourself. Hana and I do, You have to start by resisting your shadows' negative thoughts that are not like you. Your past should not define you no more Mizuki…”

I kept on crying like a baby. We've already been through enough and Hana is probably worried sick about us. Out of nowhere, I sense something near me. I looked up seeing that Mizuki’s normal self had disappeared. Then I felt something tight, clenching my throat, choking me, and dragging me away. I looked behind me, seeing his shadow self. He was all white like he was before when I first saw him: pale blind eyes and cracks, this time it’s gotten bigger. He looked so angry inside yet behind his eyes it tells me everything. I struggled to get away from it, it’s no good. He lifted me up as we were face to face. There’s a chain around my neck and it’s connected to him.

“Let me go!” I ordered I kept squirming around, trying to pull off the chain wrapped tightly around my neck.

“Stop trying to help him, this is perfect for him. He doesn’t want to get better!” His shadow formed and scowled. 

“Yes! Yes, he does. He’s hurting himself as punishment. And needs to be free.” The chain got tighter around my neck, making me lose my breath. 

“Free? What kind of foolish thinking is that? If he’s free then he’ll be in more misery than ever!” I can’t tell by his facial expression with all the white distorting him. By the tone of his voice, he sounds more violent than ever. 

“You’re wrong! Mizuki doesn’t deserve this. And you–” The chain got tighter and tighter as I gasped for air, I could feel the corner of my eyes getting darker.

“And what!? You don’t know anything about me. He doesn’t need help from you or Hana. He’s fine being–AUGH!”

I felt the darkness swallowing me for a second when I saw Mizuki! He had the syringe plunged into the back of his shadow self. Both of them felt the same pain they were experiencing letting out a blood-curdling scream. “Take that! Have a taste of your own misery!” raged Mizuki, he removed the syringe from his back. The shadow version of him slumps to the ground on his knees. 

“...Why? Why must you do this? Aren’t you happy hiding yourself away? They already know and they’ll think of you as less…Mizuki...you are what you say you are.” His shadow self murmured aside. 

“...I know…” Mizuki looked down as his whole arm and half of his body became white. “Still, I sometimes wondered what my outlook on life would be like if I had told the truth about what had happened years ago…the professor–I would never lay my hands on someone who I look up to or have a motive to kill voluntarily. And yet, I ran away, and not only that–I’ve lost a friend.” He consoled him. 

He continued on. “We saw it as useless and turned a blind eye, calling it worthless, when in the end we are just lying to ourselves. Believing in everything about ourselves too. Don’t you see? If you won’t accept the fact that I can face my true self, no matter what, then what’s the point in attacking Nobu?”

“Aren’t you afraid that he might do something? Aren’t you afraid of being your true self? Go back to the past…think! Life’s better this way.” His voice grows weak as he struggles to breathe.

“No, I trust Nobu and Hana. The two of them went through all of this trouble just to find me at my worst. I won this time! My past errors do not prevent me from moving forward and telling the whole truth. And you have failed.” Mizuki pointed a finger at him as his shadow self chuckled to himself quietly.

The syringe liquid was now empty, I managed to sit up on my own, catching my breath. It was not too long when small particles started to wither away. His shadow self didn’t say a word. It sat there in silence admitting his defeat and dying peacefully with nothing but a smile and tears falling from his eyes. The chain that was connected to me was now gone as well. I looked at Mizuki, his whole arm and half of his body were melting away, turning back to normal. His black hair hangs down in front of his face, and the air gets caught in his throat as he falls to his knees, he sobs, covering his face.

I rushed to his side, sitting next to him, lending him my shoulder.

“I’m so sorry…I should’ve said something sooner before his passing. If hadn’t–”

“It’s alright, none of this isn’t your fault. Hana and I had already established who the person who took his life was years ago.”

“I know Nobu, it’s been eating alive.” He sat down on the ground. He wipes his tears with the back of his hands. We sat quietly in the white mirrored void in silence.  

“I should’ve helped sooner and I was scared about getting the same treatment as you,” I said. “And I told myself that I was a coward, but deep down I cared for you and Hana.” “You still would’ve been in the same position if my shadow hadn’t attacked you, he could’ve easily killed you in a snap,” Mizuki said. “I…knew the cost of it. It was worth it. If I hadn’t saved you… you’d be nothing but an empty shell in the real world.” I conceded. 

Mizuki rests his head on my shoulder. And smiled. “How are we going to get out of here?” He asked me.

“Like the last time,” I gazed up at the mirror above us. Mizuki looked up as well. He jumped to his feet. He reached out his hand to touch the reflection and this time, he was able to touch it. It created a ripple. He laughs. He took his hand away. “Nobu, we can exit through here and maybe we can reunite with Hana!”

I got to my feet. “Yeah, we can! Let’s hope this portal can take us back home.” Mizuki held out his hand and I took it. He touches the mirror with ease encasing us with swirls of white lights and in a flash, we are gone. 

The white was gone and we were back to where we started in the dungeon-like room with the black and white diamond flooring. We saw Hana sitting on the bottom steps waiting for us. She looks up with a big smile that spreads across her face. “Nobu, Mizuki! You’re alive!” She scurried towards us, wrapping up us with a big hug, overflowing with tears.

“Are you okay?” She asked Mizuki, and she stood back to give him some space. “I’m fine, If it wasn’t for you and Nobu, I would’ve been a goner.” His smile faded, he looked serious.

“Hana, I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you what happened to your father. I was there when the incident occurred and lied on stand as a result. I know now that I didn’t kill him, it was at the wrong time, wrong place. And pretended to play dumb in order to protect you.” He confessed.

“It’s alright Mizuki, Nobu and I figured out that it wasn’t you, but it was accidental. Dad probably must’ve known his time was coming because of the information he withheld about the alternative universe of shadow like people. And we now know it’s true. His research wasn't all for naught. And I don’t blame you one bit.” She gave Mizuki a hug and said, “Now, since it’s over and you are safe. Let’s get out of here.” 

“Yeah, let’s go.” I said. The three of us walked up the stairs and out of the creepy dungeon where we found him and headed outside into the twilight sky. The outside felt quiet all around as the sun began to rise. Mizuki stood there inhaling through his nose and exhaling out, taking in the fresh breeze. This was the first time in my life that I had seen him smile in years. And the first time the three of us became closer to each other.