Biazarre

This might be the most bizarre event that ever took place in my life. I dare not try to share it with anyone, yet I feel that if I don’t get this off my mind and dump it on you the reader. I’ll continue to find myself looking for old and new pop and shampoo and conditioner bottle caps. My brother collects those ring tabs that opens soda and beer cans and even on Potted Meat and Progresses Soup cans.

All I know about collecting all them tabs, if your insane or sane enough to collect a million tabs would weigh about 800 pounds. It takes more than 1,200 tabs to equal a pound. And about 63,360 pull tabs laid out would be a mile.

One day 11 years later out of the clear blue sky or was it the fact that we shared a bong together. I finally had to ask him the 64,000 dollar question as to why is the entire guess room of his home filled to the brim with tabs?  He proudly stated that a million pull tabs have a recycle value of about $366. A hundred have a scrap-metal value of about 3 and a half cents, though that fluctuates. My brain activity does that fluctuating thing too sometimes when it hears about bizarre events. He did somehow send two of his children through college working as a Chimney Sweep in Shreveport, LA.  

The first time I seen this woman they referred to as crazy Dee Dee I was standing near the manmade lake in the park feeding geese with the old bread and food I heisted from a dumpster behind Piggly Wiggly Supermarket. Them over fed greedy ducks really enjoyed eating that stale Wonder Bread best.

She was with some crazy dude like herself. I knew they were both a little out of touch with reality, because they both kept referring to one another as bitches first person singular. I take a bench across from them. Suddenly I find her sitting next to me. All of a sudden I hear a dripping faucet sound, then seconds later a gush of water. She had pulled down her pants and panties right next to me and started urinating on that park bench in broad daylight. I was speechless as well as being in denial. There were other people there as well and no one said a word until she pulled up her clothes and left without apothegm a word.

Maybe it was from the Natty Daddy 12 pack of beer she and that dude were guzzling down that contained 11.5 percent alcohol. I noticed that when you pour Natty Daddy in a glass, not that the recreational user I know ever would. The color is precisely what we all know it is, but the head's better than expected. The heavy carbonation forms a quick and persistent head; the bubbles stop rising after 10 seconds automatically, but a half-inch of proper foam sticks around for a bit. It smells relatively awful, with hints of brown urine stained grass and pink elephant gum. The taste is less than adequate. It has a bit of actual character, with both fruity and nutty flavors. Granted, the rotten fruit of a sour apple nectar, the bitterness is the bad kind, and they clash rather than complement. Natty Daddy's great strength is its lack of you ever remembering the bizarre things you more than likely did.

My friend Toothless spoke first. He said man with that whistling sound he makes because he doesn’t have any teeth. Due to a lifetime of drinking cheap wine. Ain’t you glad that bench is waterproof. He doubles over with laughter.

My drinking buddy “Flash” he has a propensity to always bring up the past of his Olympic 100 yard dash tryout days that he would had made the team if it hadn’t been for him springing his ankle. Let the truth be known it was because he never even raced a day in his lying life. He said at least that metal bench had holes.

The third overly pretending intellectual friend Bleak who reads a book every single day. Many say that all the pages are blank and it’s the same Dr. Seuss book he reads each day. Hey man, she was marking her territory. Moonwalker Little Mike laughed so hard that greenish snot ran out of his red Jimmy Durante like nose. Even most times they argued over whether his elongated nose favored Barbra Streisand who ever she is or that rapper Jay-Z.

They joked about that bizarre incident well into the night when the park shut down and everyone was just drunk enough to make it home. I was glad to see that day end, especially after the stolen shopping cart races with one drunk pushing and another drunk sitting inside. The top prize to the winners was a bottle of Tequila. If the paramedic gave the winners the bottle.

The second time I see that voo doo looking woman we’re standing behind the Time Saver beer and liquor store. Toothless was arguing with someone and everyone was glued to that television set of bizarreness as she walked up to me and squatted down in front of me and urinated again. Again no one said a word until she left. To me it was no longer a droll matter.

The third time I was sitting on one of those green electricity boxes, with just enough concrete to sit on. Sure, enough she does it again. This time before she tries to walk away I say. What’s all the peeing in front of me all about? She gives me a devilish grins and walks off.

I don’t see her again until she and Flat Top are having sex in a cemetery. Two days later I get off the bus by a Shell Gas Station. I say would you like me to buy you a six pack of Natty Daddy. She starts growling at me for some strange reason like a German Shepherd. I get away from her as fast as I can without thinking that a rabid dog could come chasing after me like Cujo.  

The very same day at the Public Library I see her. I really want to go another direction, but I had to get to the reason why I keep seeing this strange crazy lady. When I get about 20 yards from her. I see the ambulance people walking her to get inside of the truck. I never see her again. Some say that she has rich parents and others say she was once ganged raped. Whatever her causes for me seeing her often and what she done in front of me. Keeps me wondering why there is zero gravity in massage chairs.