Vincent the Insufferable

The tiny human was back again. 

Vincent the Insufferable, known by those in the supernatural community as Vincent, sighed when he noticed a small hand pushing a few rotten wooden boards from the fence up. The velvet curtain in his hands wrinkled when he pulled it open wider to see the backyard better, using a little more strength than he should have.

The rotten wood had been falling apart in the last few years because of frequent rain in Washington. The green grass and flowers in the back garden appreciated the rain, as evident by how big everything was. It was a peaceful little oasis, with the purple asher and bleeding heart flowers outlining the yard. Because of the frequent rainfall, it was usually cloudy enough for him to be outside more often.

He would have been roasted over an open fire like a chestnut if he lived somewhere like Arizona or Maker forbid, California. It was also much busier - louder in areas like that. He lived on an isolated street, closer to the country than the city. 

The place suited Vincent the Insufferable, as he enjoyed being a part of the cliche many people believed about vampires. 

Dark. Broody. Evil. Isolated with very few family or friends. 

After living for as long as he had, it was hard to connect with the people around him when they were just brief footnotes in the tomb that made up his life. He looked back at where the little Interloper was wiggling their way between the two lifted fence posts. A face smeared with dirt popped up, a smile beaming with a few missing milk teeth. The Interloper turned around to the opening, and Vincent let the curtain he held fall back into place.  

He unsheathed his fangs, tongue tracing around the chip in his right. The human was back again, and it was time to greet the little beast. But first, he must get into character.

It was easy to find the satin cloak tucked into the back closet, but when standing in front of the mirror, it was clear that the high collar needed to be ironed. The stark red lining of the cloak made his face seem even paler than it was, and don’t get him started on that rumor that vampires could not see their reflection. You have one bad hair day, say it to save face, and suddenly, everyone believes it! 

Grabbing the edge of the cloak, he practiced swishing it up to cover his face. It felt like second nature at this point, but it never hurt to make sure the proper amount of momentum was used. It had to be perfect, and with the blood of a thousand victims coursing through his veins, he had the power to do so. Deeming the motion successful, it was time to get into the mindset of a bloodsucking monster. His lips curled into a snarl, veins popping out on his face, and he hissed.

“I vant to suck your blood,” he croaked, cloak in front of his raised lips and fangs. Ah, yes. The eyes of nightmares! The teeth of a demon! The hiss of a - 

ACK! A few pieces of lint flew into his mouth when he breathed in, hiss stuck in his throat. Dropping the cloak from his arm, he picked up the pieces of lint stuck to his tongue, looking like a fool as he approached the mirror. He really needed to get a new dry cleaning lady as he had to iron his clothes the last few times. They had been so wrinkled! It was blasphemy! 

But, now that he thought about it, showing up at her house in the middle of the night, dangling from the tree outside her window like a bat, had probably not been the best move on his part. He needed those clothes the next night, but as she screamed at him hysterically and beat him with a broom, he realized that the customer was not always right.

“Dammit,” Vincent the Insufferable muttered, watching as the collar drooped again. His lisp was noticeable, with the large fangs poking out from his lips. “I don’t have time for this.”

After several more attempts to get it to stand up, he hissed at the floating clock in front of him before storming towards the front door, fangs disappearing. There was no more time left; it was now or never. Standing before the large oak door, Vincent let out a few breaths, listening to the creaks of the room around him. 

The house was old. It was one of those Victorian houses that kids in scary movies liked to try and ding dong ditch. With its high peaks, large glass-stained windows, and substantial arched doorways, all it needed was a graveyard in the front to fit the vampire aesthetic. It had been his home for the last hundred years, and as the world advanced around him, Vincent stayed the same.

He was not getting older and made sure to stick to the shadows when he went into town for his weekly blood donation. Nothing changed for him; it was monotonous…, but comfortable. It was familiar. 

At least it had been until a little family of three moved into the house right next to his. A tiny little human, freckles decorating her face, gaps in a smile flashed before his eyes. 

It was time.

A letter dropped onto the floor before he could dramatically open the door, the metal mail slot closing with a clang. The letter sat there, the glaring pink color clashing with anything Vincent owned in the house. He poked it with his foot before leaning down to open the metal mail slot, peeking into the crack.

He barely held in the scream when another eye looked back at them. 

“Mr. Vampire,” the Interloper said with a lisp, blue eyes squinting back at him through a pair of glasses. “You are formally invited to a tea party.”

“Ah, Melody…where are your parental units?”

“At work!’

“Shouldn't you be…with them? Or at school?”

“Mr. Vampire! I am only ten, and it’s the summer! Mrs. Smith fell asleep, and I was bored.”

Curse Mrs. Smith! That vapid old lady, who always cooked with garlic, was why he had met the Interloper Melody in the first place. She never seemed to be able to keep her eyes open while watching the child, always falling asleep and letting it run around like a wild animal. 

“Ah, yes. Mrs. Smith,” he hissed, straightening up to open his door. “My mortal enemy.” 

“Well,” Melody giggled, a smile taking up half her face, shoving her hands in the pockets of her overalls. “It’s time for a tea party anyway!”

And then the Interloper skipped away. Well, Vincent the Insufferable thought, it was time for tea. 

They sat in the garden together, a nice knitted blanket under them. The Interloper had decided to bring a few friends, so sitting next to Vincent the Insufferable was, according to Melody, a duck named Reginald and a bat named…Batty. In the middle of the blanket, a lovely woven picnic basket sat, lid open, with food that a child had clearly packaged. 

“So,” Vincent the Insufferable said, awkwardly keeping his posture straight. If a single speck of dirt rubbed onto these pants, or Maker forbid, the cloak, he would not be responsible for the monster that appeared. At least the Fall weather was pleasant outside, with a nice chill breeze and plenty of leaves dancing their own solos when they drifted from a tree. “As a vampire, you must know I do not eat your silly human food.”

“Yeah,” Melody mumbled, digging deeper into the basket as her tongue slipped between the missing front teeth. “But I have monster-approved food!”

“Well,” Vincent signed, nudging the bat on his left a little further away. “Let me see this ‘monster food’ you have then.”

Melody dug around the picnic basket a little more before finally grabbing a container. “This, my favoritest vampire, is for you!”

Vincent gingerly took the haphazardly wrapped item from sticky hands. It seemed to have a thousand, and this was no exaggeration, paper towels wrapped around it. Very carefully laying it on the blanket before him, he started to unwrap it like a gift. Before even getting through the whole thing, a few grapes plopped out. 

“These are human eyeballs!” Melody laughed, leaning heavily against the frozen vampire. Vincent soaked in the warmth from the body next to him, something in him relaxing for the first time in years.

“Ah, yes,” he commented, picking it up and lightly squeezing it. The juice slid down his fingers, so he quickly brought it to his mouth and pretended to eat it. It secretly made its way into the bush behind him with a quick flick. The rest soon followed. “Delicious. Just what I need. Human eyeballs!”

Melody flopped backward, arms wrapped around her stomach as she had a giggle fit. Vincent the Insufferable looked at her from the corner of his eyes, a reluctant grin starting to creep up. The chill breeze around them did not take away from the warmth he felt, a hand hesitantly squeezing the front of his shirt where his heart used to beat. How long had it been since he had laughed like that? With no fear of judgment and genuine happiness? 

“Wait! You need to keep going!” she said, cheeks flushed with joy, quickly sitting up on the blanket. She grabbed the rest of the meal from him, obviously deeming him an inferior food unwrapper. Once it was unwrapped the rest of the way, a few…things dropped out.

“What is that?”

“It’s fingers, silly!”

“Hm, these are clearly fingers.”

Melody gained a concerned look on her face. Leaning forward, she gripped his cold hand in hers. “You do know,” she whispered, “These are hot dogs, right?”

Vincent the Insufferable gently slipped his hands away from her, gingerly wiping them on the blanket below. He grabbed one of these hot…dogs, bringing it to his nose for a smell test. Suddenly, a horrific smell invaded his olfactory senses, making him jolt away and give an alarmed hiss. 

“What is this thing?” he growled, fangs popping out and flinging the hotdog as far away as possible. It flew over the fence, disappearing into the woods beyond the house. What was that? Was this Interloper trying to kill him?

“I promise it is not fingers!” Melody cried, tears welling up in her eyes. 

And suddenly, Vincent the Insufferable was uncomfortable and, for once in his long life, had no idea what to do. His fangs quietly disappeared, and turning to face the Interloper, he fiddled with the flopped-over collar of his cloak. It slumped over again, like a limp body drained of blood.

“Ah, it is okay, human child,” he said awkwardly, patting the shaking shoulders before him. Before he could bring his hand away, a small body threw itself towards him, arms gripping him in an awkward hug. He flinched, trying to jerk back from the leech attached to his side. After going so long without letting anyone else touch him, it was overwhelming to feel something like this.

But this small Interloper had a firm grip, and a few minutes later, he found himself patting her on the back after tucking his cloak around her shoulders. 

Vincent the Insufferable, the scourge of the ages and older than all of the trees that grew in the woods around them, sat there with Melody as she cried. He was emotionally aware enough to know she was not just crying because of the hotdog fiasco but because she was like him…lonely. 

After all, when a human child like her had unlimited friends and a loving family, it was not customary to get so easily attracted to something old and decrepit like him. When his Maker had first turned him, it soon became apparent that he was not normal. Not only was one of his fangs chipped, but Vincent had difficulty learning to be a vampire. The instincts that typically came naturally to a newborn had to be learned with patience and practice. Unfortunately, most vampires did not care to wait as he slowly lagged behind.

Alone.

He had a hard time learning to live when he often felt like he was better off…truly being dead. That was until a moving van pulled into the driveway next to his. 

“Melody, it’s okay,” he finally managed to say, leaning forward to grab one of the hot dogs left on the blanket. “Look, I am enjoying these human fingers!”

Before thinking about what a mistake this would be and the pain his stomach would be in later, he swallowed the human food whole. 

Oh, my Maker. It was the most disgusting thing he had ever had the displeasure of eating in his life. But the teary blue eyes looking up at him, glasses smudged with fingerprints and tears, made it all worth it.

“Is…is it good?”

“The most amazing cuisine I have ever had the pleasure to taste.”

Melody smiled at him, nose scrunched up and eyes squeezed shut. 

They spent the afternoon ‘drinking’ tea together as she told him tales of the 5th grade. It sounded terrible, and apparently, she had a mortal enemy named Ava. He must hunt her down at some point and make sure she knew that Melody was protected by Vincent the Insufferable, a vampire who had once killed thirteen humans in a day for just looking at him wrong. 

But, as he sat in the garden with this little Interloper leaning against his side, he couldn't help but think that this was the most human he had felt in years.

And, for once in his immortal life, he felt like he was living again.