Six Days to Go

Six days to go. My heartbeats get faster every time I think about it. With every passing second, I can sense my discomfort growing larger than ever. It has been a long wait. I try my best not to think about it...or him! There are no two ways about it. I have to face him. If I avoid him, it would only be for a short period of time. He would send a letter at my place. I do not want anyone to get hold of the letter at home and give me those scornful looks, making me feel all the more guilty. Yes, I can postpone meeting him. I have done it on a few occasions in the past. But that is just a temporary relief. I have to face him nevertheless. Whenever we meet, he looks at me and gives me a smile. A smile that I absolutely dislike. I hate when he then greets me and says, ‘it is only for your good!’ My good, oh yes! I know that! But not that he does not have his own interest in it. Sometimes I feel his interest is greater than mine.

Five days to go. I am jumpier than ever. My mind has not gone fully numb yet as I would like to imagine. It is giving command to me to pick up my phone and type a message to him. I do that. I stop having my coffee and grab the phone that is on the side table. My mind then commands me to type the message: ‘I am sorry, I can't come this time. Can we do it some other time?’ I can see myself happily typing this message but I have no guts to press the ‘send’ button. Here, my logical side takes over my fear and says to me, ‘face it now, Jesse, face it now! Else you will have to face this harrowing experience the next time.’ I keep my phone away.

Four days to go. I seem to be calmer. I even laugh at myself for being so frightened. Do I really have to worry so much? Have I not faced him before? I try to encourage myself. It seems to work...only until the evening sets in. Why is it that day times are so joyous and evenings are wearisome? I ask myself. I even try to recall some psychologist, or is it a psychiatrist, saying that people usually start getting depressed when it turns dark. Light brings joy. I try to pick up a good book but my mind keeps drifting away. I just throw the book back on the table but it falls on the floor with a thud. Mum gives me a strange glance. I just smile and pick up the book from the floor and keep it back on the table, this time gently. 

Three days to go. Surprise! Surprise! I have actually forgotten about the whole thing. It is of course not my mind that is acting strong. On the contrary, it is heavily distracted with the presence of my cousin from Australia. I can never tell if she lives in Sydney or Melbourne. She migrated only two years ago. Besides, she travels quite a bit. I have always been poor in Geography lessons in school. She has so much to tell. It is a pity that she cannot stay longer with me as she has a flight to catch the next morning to her parents’ place. Our house has always been like a stopover for most of our relatives since we live in the capital city.  

Two days to go. My cousin has left the house. It was such a relief having her over. My long weekend has also come to an end. It means I have to go back to work. That will be another much-wanted distraction. Anyway, now I am thinking why do I have to meet him in the middle of the week? I wish the wait just got over! Or we never had to meet! I can picture him laughing. I can imagine him telling me in his cool tone, “ You would have to go through this at some point and you know that!” I do hate the way he laughs too. I wish he didn’t. Why do some people think that laughter makes things around them lighter? I am sure there must be some book on psychology on this too. People should refrain from laughing in situations like these. I do feel helpless before him. Such is his power over me. I feel slightly better at work. What a long weekend it indeed was. I happily step in the office and realise while logging in to my desktop that I have nearly forgotten my login password. I get lucky the third time! I try to distract myself. I think I am able to manage.

One day to go. The wait! It has been so long. I am in a way glad that it is coming to an end. I could be lying. I still wish I can send him that one text and tell him that I cannot come. But I have waited for this long, keeping myself strong. Ok, I have been acting strange. Colleagues at work have been asking me if I have been ok or if something has been bothering me. I tell them I am fine. Are you doing something special tomorrow? A colleague asks me. She knows I am on leave for the second half of tomorrow. I tell her about it, and about him. And she just wishes me luck! I do need luck!

Today is the big day! The wait is nearly over. I wrap up my work at 1 pm and get ready to finally face the consequences. I decide not to retouch my makeup. In fact he has frowned whenever I have met him with makeup on. He says it is pointless, especially the lipstick. I drive my car and reach his place. A lady greets me and asks me to wait. But haven’t I been waiting for a long time already? How would she know anyway. I sit in a corner, hoping I would disappear from the face of the Earth. It has been 10 minutes already. I am on time. I check my watch to be sure. Yes. Suddenly I hear the door open and I see him peering at me. He has the same smile like always. Come in, he says. I return the smile. I muster courage and get up from the chair. I follow his order and go to his room. I am like a lamb now. The wait is finally over.

As I sit on the chair, he comes closer to me. My heartbeats are getting faster than ever. "Long time!" He says. I give him one of those silly guilty smiles. "Let’s begin," he then says. I open my mouth. He has a frown on his face and says, “Jesse, how many times have I told you to keep your appointments and not postpone them! Your teeth are in a mess!” 

I just close my eyes and let him, my dentist, take over my mouth!