The Adventures of Goose: Part I

Gasping awake, I rolled over and whisked an awful smell. My human often filled my litter box with “pretty litter” but I know my shit doesn’t smell like roses.

Growling at myself for waking up here yet again, I began to stretch my hind legs. My paws hit all the walls at once. Typically, I backed into the house, perched on the side a bit to make relieving myself less taxing on my body. Instead, I had landed here face first, ass against the door. My head was fuzzy with the faint memory of chewing through the catnip mouse that had turned into a demon last night. Flashes of a memory of decapitating him (he deserved it), I realized I had inhaled an ounce of catnip.

I shook the litter off my whiskers and noticed an odd black device in the top corner of my litter box. The blinking red light on the contraption that fascinated me for five minutes before I attempted to turn around and exit the box. Did I grow overnight? Because I couldn’t make a full 360.

Deciding to back up instead, I slowly pushed my backside out of the exit. Success! I was halfway through when my stomach got stuck. How the hell did I get in here in the first place? Must have been some decent ‘nip in that demon mouse. Then I remembered that I had chewed through an entire bag of treats just prior that must have made me hallucinate the mouse’s true form.

I had two options: give up and wait for the human to come and lift the roof of the house off or drag it to her bedroom. I chose the latter. Like Tom Cruise I was on a dangerous self-inflicted mission. Danger was the name, but addiction was the game.

Tracing the steps by memory I scooted down the wooden floor to her bedroom door. Several moments passed until I started to detox from last night’s ‘nip. I needed more. This called for more drastic measures. I began a mission to hit my litter box house against her door until she finally answered.

“Goose, not again! Seriously?” She sighed and lifted the roof. Thank God. I bolted to my nearest hidden stash behind the carpet tree and sniffed until I felt like I was Tom Cruise flying through the mountains. After all, I saw the red blinking lights indicating where the mountains were. They looked just like the ones in my litter box, but I didn’t question it because the munchies set in.

I made my way to the countertop, knocking over nearly everything in my path. The human had left out last night’s dinner made of fish (my fav) and some vegetables I spat out with a hairball later.

Feeling full but not satisfied, I went back to my stash. To my horror, it was gone. “Don’t panic,” I told myself. The human was pissed at me so I knew she’d be of no help. Not remembering where else I had hidden extra ‘nip, I drowned my sorrows in the dry food bowl she left out. When that wasn’t enough to cure my depression, I searched the house for other sources. Usually, the annoying yapping dog I was forced to share a home with was awake by now. Where was she?

After a few moments of searching, I was distracted yet again by those red blinking lights. Since I was a little more sober, I was growing wary. Was there a sniper on the roof somewhere ready to shoot me out of this misery? I hissed at it and knew I needed to find my stash, but first: food. With the dog gone, I swallowed my pride and finished off her bowl as well. After the last bite I had a realization and suspected that the human had dumped out the remainder of my catnip mice in the garbage.

I shoved my way through the dog’s door to the outdoor world and sniffed my way to the faint smell of my weed – err, ‘nip, as you humans call it. Desperate to find it, I even braved my way through the mud and stuffed my fat ass through the dog’s hole under the fence to the alley.

Jonesing for that next high, I raced towards the can that smelled of pure herbal heaven when suddenly I was lifted into the sky. I was flying! This must have been how Tom Cruise felt the first time he lifted off the air. Still a little high from the 'nip, I didn’t think to look up and see why I was flying. When I did, I saw the beak of a menacing dinosaur of a bird and shit myself. At least I didn’t have to go back to my litter box.

Because of all my padding I didn’t feel its claws, but we weren’t far off the ground. The falcon’s wings slowed down and dropped me directly into one of the dumpsters. My human liked to call me a fat cat but joke’s on her...because clearly the extra pounds paid off in the falcon’s ability to carry me.

Smug with my accomplishments, I enjoyed a few bites of something that smelled like fish in the current receptacle before flopping out back to the alley. There was an unusual white van at the end of the alleyway I hadn’t noticed before, but I couldn’t inspect it as it would distract me from the mission.

The falcon had only made it a mere three doors down, but my new obstacle was getting into my human’s can. Knowing that the falcon couldn’t withstand my weight, I wondered if the same applied to the trash can. After three attempts to run, jump, and hit the can, I tipped it over. Finally! With all the fur that I needed to lick clean from this adventure, I knew I deserved to huff all the catnip my heart desired. Life was good again.

A few hours passed before I finished the entire lot of ‘nip and I was tripping on cloud 9-until a man with a camera with the same blinking red light hopped out of the white van. I felt the need for speed and bolted down the alley, men in black following closely behind. I was too high and fat to hop the fence, so I hid behind one of the receptacles.

My cloud 9 high faded into paranoia and suddenly the man with the red light was in my face. I hissed at him and backed away.

“Goose, are you aware of how much your catnip addiction has been ruining lives?”

Who does this man think he is? I decided to seek shelter at my girlfriend’s house two doors down. She was just as much in love with the ‘nip as I, if not more. I snuck in through our secret slot in the gate and felt relief when I reached her porch.

She was nowhere in sight, but I saw one of her catnip mice by the open sliding glass door. Thinking I could use a little inspiration to help jet away from the man with the red light, I wobbled over to it. Just as I was about to get a big huff of the good stuff, it moved! Was I that high again? Usually I controlled where the stuffed mouse went unless the human moved it, but there was no human in sight. Hungry, high, and out of breath, I chased the mouse all the way inside.

She must be napping in the sun rays…that beautiful orange cat that Tabitha is, and I purred for a second at the thought of her. The mouse moved again, this time by the couch. I pounced on it and destroyed it with my claws, desperate to make sure it didn’t get away this time. It was then I smelled it: the stench of old cheeseburgers, skunky earthy nip, and an odd whiff of pretty litter. I can’t see Tabitha like this! Quickly I began licking off the ‘nip stuck to my fur. Then I took a cat nap.

It must’ve been hours before I awoke because the sun had set. Thank God I wasn’t stuck in my litter box again. This time I was in my cozy airplane-shaped cat bed and still tripping from licking myself clean of my adventures. How did I get here? Last I recalled, I was looking for Tabitha and chasing a runaway mouse.

One of my fat rolls protruded over the edge of my airplane as I rolled over to face the rest of the room. Sitting on the couch was beautiful Tabitha, my human, the stupid yapping dog, and the human that cut my manhood off years ago. I hissed at him for taking my balls away. I’ve even memorized the route in my head to his house with the metal table.

The men in black with the red blinking lights were standing in the corner of the room with a square reflection device that seemed to record each one of our movements. I stared at the red lights as they moved around the room until I regained my focus to my human’s voice. She was holding a piece of paper that she read from.

“Goose, we are all here because we love you,” she wiped a tear from her eye, “but your catnip addiction has gotten out of control. Due to your nip addiction, your munchies have caused you to gain thirty-three pounds in a mere three months. The dog hides from you not because you eat her food, but because you have nearly suffocated him on numerous occasions by sitting on her too high to notice she was there.”

“You’re the one who introduced me to catnip in the first place!” I yelled, but all that came out were growls.

“We have arranged to send you to rehab in Tucson. There you will ween off the catnip and they will help you lose your extra weight,” the human continued. Extra weight? I’ll have you know that saved me from being eaten by a falcon! I hissed again at the thought of Tucson; might as well send me to a shelter.

“If you don’t accept the help, I will be forced to put you up for adoption in a shelter.”

Crap.

Tabitha gently walked across the couch over to my airplane bed. She nestled her head into my fat folds and purred, “Please go Goose. I love flying with you, but we are going to crash if we keep this up.”

I couldn’t say no to those piercing green eyes. I licked the top of her head, remembering the taste of her fur, and meowed in agreement to this rehab they spoke of. I made my way across the humans as they winced at my weight on their legs, peed a little on the evil human that took my balls, and nestled in my human’s lap.

“Thank you, Goose. Your real airplane leaves in an hour.”