The Witch, The Auditor, and The $5 Crime

“Did you hear about the new guy at work?”

“Yeah, everyone’s been talking about him. What’s his name again? Evan?”

“No, it’s Emmet. Or Edgar. Something with an E. Anyway, I think he’s… odd.”

“Odd, how?”

“He doesn’t blink.”

“Come on, everyone blinks.”

“Not him. I’m serious. I sat beside him during the town hall yesterday, and he just stared. Eyes wide open the whole time.”

“Maybe he’s focused? Or has a condition. You’re being judgmental.”

“It’s not just the blinking thing. He doesn’t make any sound while typing.”

“No sound? Okay, that’s a little weird.”

“Right?”

“Still, it’s not the strangest thing I’ve heard. Remember Cristina from IT? She is a witch.”

“Get out of here!”

“Yes, I saw her burning incense in the breakroom, and she was chanting, Go away.”

“Maybe she was trying to cover the smell of microwaved fish.”

“That is not all. She predicted that Kyle from Accounting would vanish by quarter’s end. And he did.”

“He got fired for embezzling.”

“Yes, but no one knew until he was gone, well, except Cristina.”

“Maybe, but Cristina doesn’t stare at you like she knows your darkest secrets.”

“He is not staring at you.”

“He is, I swear. It’s like he knows things.”

“Knows what, exactly?”

“I don’t know. Just… things. He looked at me yesterday like he could read my mind.”

“Well, he is an internal auditor. He is paid to be observant.”

“An internal auditor? I didn’t know that. That is worse than weird. That is dangerous. He is definitely suspicious.”

“Suspicious how, besides the blinking and typing silently?”

“Well, he’s always the first one in the office. Anna from Security told me he was already here when she arrived.”

“Maybe he’s just a morning person.”

“At five in the morning?”

“Okay, that’s a little extreme.”

“And he never leaves with the rest of us. I swear, I have asked around, and everyone noticed that he is still working when they leave.”

“Maybe he is doing a confidential investigation. Have you thought of that? He is an auditor, after all.”

“That makes sense. Wait… could I be the target of the investigation?”

“Why? What did you do?”

“Nothing! But you know, audit people, they find things.”

“What things?”

“They always find something wrong.”

“What did you do?”

“Nothing… I swear.”

“Now, who is acting suspiciously?”

…

“Tell me.”

“Well, it is not a big deal.”

“I…”

“You what?”

“I submitted a fake receipt in the travel and expense system… but only because I lost the original.”

“For how much?”

“It was… 5 dollars.”

“And?”

“And what else?”

“That is. I swear.”

“Well, I hope he is not investigating you because that is lame. I can’t even…”

“Okay, I am lame. What about you? What’s your worst crime?”

“Like I would tell you.”

“Why not? I won’t tell. I told you mine.”

“And that was a mistake.”

“Come on. Tell me!”

“There is nothing to tell. You’re losing it.”

“Am I?”

“Yes.”

“Fine. Let’s change the subject.”

“Fine.”

…

…

“Did you hear that?”

“Hear what?”

“That noise. Like…a click.”

“It’s coming from my laptop. Maybe it is a microphone. The auditor is surveilling me!”

“There’s nothing there.”

“There it is again!”

“You’re being paranoid.”

“Am I? Because Ethan or Edgar, or whatever his name is, just walked past the window.”

“So?”

“He knows. He probably heard me confess about the ticket.”

…

“What do I do? I can’t live with this uncertainty.”

“Talk to him.”

“You want me to confess? I am not that stupid.”

“Just talk to him.”

“About what?”

“He is new; just ask him how he is settling in.”

“Okay. That is good. Wait… what if he thinks I am weird?”

“He will be correct, but that is not against policy. Just go!”

“Okay. If I yell Apples, come save me.”

“Apples?”

“My safe word.”

“Just go!”

“Okay”

***

“So, how was it?”

“He made a joke.”

“Really, was it good?”

“He laughed, too. It was… wrong. Auditors are not supposed to have fun.”

“Why not? They are people.”

“I don’t think so. They are… auditors. They judge people!”

“And what are you doing now?”

“It is different.”

“Different, how?”

“I don’t have bad intentions! Besides, his laugh… was sinister.”

“Sinister? You seriously need help.”

“You don’t want to hear what I found out?”

“Of course I do.”

“He avoided all my questions, but then he asked me about Cristina.”

“The witch?”

“Yes. He wanted to know if I knew her.”

“And what did you say?”

“I told him that I don’t mess with witches.”

“No, you didn’t.”

“Well, I wasn’t prepared for that question, and it just came out.”

“What did he say?”

“He said: A witch, really? That seemed to interest him because he asked me a bunch of questions about her.”

“So, he is investigating Cristina. Do you know why?”

“No, he just kept asking questions.”

“And?”

“I answered them. “

“But how? You don’t know Cristina!”

“I told him what you told me about the incense and Kyle from Accounting.”

“Why did you do that?”

“I told you. He was suspicious. I had to say something; otherwise, he would know I had something to hide.”

“You should have kept your mouth closed!”

“Why? He was looking for a target. I gave him one. Better her than me.”

“You are so dumb. What are you going to do when she finds out?”

“How will she find out? Conversations with auditors are confidential.”

“Hello! She is a witch! What if she curses you?”

“Do you think she would do that?”

“Yes, maybe. Just to be safe, I think she shouldn’t see us together.”

“Are you abandoning me? Wait… Cristina is coming this way. Hide!”

“Why do I need to hide? I didn’t do anything. And we are at work. Don’t you think hiding would be suspicious?”

“You told me she was a witch.”

“So?... Wait… did you tell the auditor I said that?”

…

“Are you happy? Now, we are both fired or… cursed!”

“Why would they fire us?”

“Well, you faked a 5-dollar receipt, and I said she was a witch. I am sure that is against the code of conduct or something. I don’t remember. Do you?”

“Nope, I just clicked “next” on the training video. Those trainings are so boring. I don’t know why we need to do them every year like we don’t know what is right and wrong.”

“Really, Mr. I-faked-a-5-dollar-receipt?”

“Shush! The auditor is looking in this direction. Quick, pretend to be working.”

“He is not looking at us! He is looking at Cristina.”

“Oh no! He is walking toward Cristina. Look!”

“I can’t look. Tell me what is going on!”

“They are talking, and Cristina gave the auditor a folder…. I knew it. She is selling me out!”

“What are you talking about?”

“She works in IT. She has access to the travel and expense system.”

“Maybe, but she doesn’t know about the ticket.”

“Of course, she knows! She is a witch.”

“Okay, so the company has employed a witch and an auditor to recover 5 dollars from you, Mario, the great villain?”

“This is serious, Paulina. What am I supposed to do? I need this job!”

“The job? That is your concern? I would be more concerned about the curse. You can find another job, but a curse it is more difficult to fix.”

“And how would you know that? Don’t tell me you are a witch too!”

“Well… not exactly, but I have Cristina’s book of spells.”

“You stole her book! And you say I need help?”

“I didn’t steal it. I borrowed it and will return it before she notices it is missing. I was curious…”

“I don’t think it is a good idea that Cristina sees us together.”

“Shut up, they are coming this way.”

“Together?”

“Yes, hide!”

….

“They are gone! Paulina, did you hear anything?”

“Yes, I did! You got it wrong. The auditor is not investigating her. He asked her out.”

“…What?”

“They’re going on a date.”

“… Are you sure?”

“Yes. He asked. She said yes.”

“…Who would have thought? An auditor and a witch!”

“See? You are safe…”

“And I want to remain like that, so don’t talk to me until you return the witchy book and wash your hands.”

“Why? You think the book is as contagious as your paranoia.”

“I am not paranoid… Wait, there is that click again…Can’t you hear it? I think it is coming from your laptop…”

“There is no click.”

“Yes, there is. I got it wrong! The auditor is investigating you. Paulina, what did you do? I mean, besides stealing books!”

“I am out of here! Before your paranoia gets me.”

“That is a good idea. Run while you can.”

***

“Back so soon?”

“Do you really think the auditor could be investigating me?”

“I…”

“Don’t answer that. I don’t know why I listen to you. You are such a bad influence!”

“She steals books, and I am the bad influence…Hey, that's the click again. Can you hear it?”

“Mario!! I was this close to losing my mind thinking there was a bug in my laptop… but no… it’s you… clicking that stupid pen like a spy in a bad action movie.”

"What? My pen? No way... that’s impossible!"

"...Congratulations, James Bond. You cracked the case."

"...I can explain—"

"Explain? You thought a 5-dollar fake receipt was going to bring down the entire company... but it was YOU. The real corporate threat was your pen addiction and paranoia!"

"...So… no surveillance?"

"No. Just you... and your stupid... clicking... pen."

"Hey, don’t throw it away! That was a limited-edition conference freebie!"

"Consider it a sacrifice… to the corporate gods of sanity."

"You think Cristina could... curse you for stealing her book?"

"Only if she hears about it."

"Wait...did you hear that?"

“No, but I am sure it can wait for tomorrow. Bye.”