Hope

To you,

            I can see clearly from my cell the star you pointed at, the first time I asked you, “where would you stop”; though I can’t recall its name, can you?

I write at night to avoid surveillance and to remember you better. It is so odd, I have forgotten almost everything. Now and then glimpses flash across my eyes and all of a sudden fades away. I do not ask “ how are you?” as I cannot process that answer. You might have wondered why I did not address you, well I assure you I remember your name and the smile that poured across the face every time I called you but I cannot name you my love, hope you now know why.

Your star gives me hope .Well hope is a very strong word around here, dangerous too. But still it does. It makes me think I can see you someday, somewhere.

But I cannot place your face daring. I try to draw it on the wall and all I can bring to my mind is the definitive glance, the curious laugh, the short curls and your ethereal presence.

The guard says I imagined you. But you know I did not. I could have shown him your picture had they not taken away my locket. I wept like a child as they snatched away your last token. 

It is redundant to mention that if this letter ever finds you I will no longer be there but I would like to elucidate my peculiar state.

The guard has agreed to take the letter to you after he gets to leave. It seems like, they are also prisoners but without a cell. I think we are in an underground lab and I do not know what they want from us. You would have liked the guard, he is so cheery. He would hardly be seventeen and he like you loves to stare at the stars. He tells me about his girl. They have planned to elope after this wretched war is over once and for all. His stories remind me of ours. Young love blossoming in a bitter brutal winter brings you close to me.

He says he knows our village. His grandfather took him there. I bet you can’t guess from where he is; Shinalo. I am sure you are gaping at the letters. When he told me, even I was shocked. But he explained. The lower part of Shinalo is with us and the upper half has been swayed by those foreigners. You know, you were right, they, the foreigners are the real culprit, turning brothers against each other. His girl stays in the lower part; that is why they have planned to elope.

He narrates such appalling tales I cannot describe you in letters; it will make you shudder. They have endured such excruciating pain that I do not blame them for revolting. I don’t blame us for defending. I don’t know who to blame anymore.

My love, I hope you think about me just the way I was, just the way we were. Do not hold the upper people responsible for all this, they too are suffering. The day we were captured, I had injured their general. Shawi, my guard, tells me he( the general)has three children at home. His wife was raped by the foreigners and hanged to a tree as a warning to rebellious civilians.

I wished they would kill me too.

My letter has become a journal darling but I do not know the date. I tried to keep a track of it but for some days I had been unconscious. My other guard says it was for four days and Shawi says three. So either today is your birthday or tomorrow, hoping they can still count days. I remember you wanted a harmonica for your birthday and I did get one. It is hidden in my cupboard by the balcony door. When you read this do check there once. Last year I waited all day for you to return but your shift went on. I was furious after all the effort I invested in planning the evening. I was going to propose to you. The next morning you came home in ragged clothed and messy hair, your face swollen from crying. All my rage flew out as I held you. I could hardly make out your words as you continued sobbing. Mei told me that your brother had passed away yesterday. All night you were by his bed fanning his incapacitated body, praying for a miracle. I was so guilty that I was not there. I did not even know that he had returned. You could have called. That day I made up mind, either I return in one piece or I do not return. I want you to remember me as I was, your shy neighbour who has always been head over heels in love with you.

I too have lost track of time. We do not have food anymore. Hashi says they are going to feed on us. I asked Shawi about the situation. He told me they are stationed here till further commands. Some days we can hear the radio, news across the burning nation; other days we sing.

Some of the cellmates have gone mad. You remember Nasik, he lost it. I told Shawi all about him. How they killed his parents, his brothers even his sister. He was at our house and hence spared. Shawi says on his last days, he would shout, so loudly as if he was hoping to lose his voice, “Mother, mother, I am not having beans for one other day. Ask Raish to get some carrots. Mother please don’t give away your part. I’ll get more tomorrow.” Nasik was the lead singer of our college band. It all seems like a lifetime away.

Shawi says including me only two other cellmates remain and including him only three more guards. They are sure, no further re -enforcements will be send and this was merely a diversion. The wrath of the winter continues to torment us. I do not understand why people would keep arms hidden but not food. I wish the bullets were edible. There comes to my mind a time when you rebuked me for my choosy food habit and I wondered how sweetly you cursed. And now you would not even recognize me, I have even eaten human meat.

The cells are gone. We are all free. Only five people remain and Shawi and I have survived. I write you for the last time my love as I have no more stationary. I wish you get to live and you do achieve your dreams that you explained so explicitly. You were so sure you wanted to win over the world, explore and venture out; I was jealous of your certainty until now. I thought I was confused but I was not. I was always sure I wanted you and the rest would follow. As I peep through the hole, I see your star shining for me from far above. You know I feel you in my arms. Clutching me tightly as in the winter nights, your parched lips shivering and your palms dead cold. Today I drew your face for Shawi. He says you resemble an actress, I told him she resembles you. We laughed like free men. Nothing makes one feel as alive as an encounter with death. Clichés are clichés for a reason. I implore you, do not hesitate to live as I vicariously go on through you.

From me.

Note: If you find this take this to 9/2 Shenyl Road, and ask for Miss Poppins. If she is dead lay it by her side. Please mention it is from Popi.

As the night advanced the unit desperately searched for a shelter. They had thirteen prisoners of war. Suddenly a jubilant cry drew their attention. They found the lab. Now it was a matter of few days and the re- enforcements will arrive. The cells were filled and Moish lay on his back to prepare for the ultimate fight, the wait. In a bottle he found a folded letter. After reading it, he looked outside the tiny window; the North Star was bright as ever re-establishing the hope it had dispersed three years back but Moish knew it was far from over and hope was a dangerous word indeed.