Homeless

Thursday 7/5/20

Hello, journal. I realize when we left off the biggest drama was my 8th grade crush liking Ashley instead of me.  Tragic. But it’s about 12 years later and I pulled you out because I’ve got bigger problems. My therapist said it would be good to carry you along on the trip to “document my feelings.” So, here I am. Currently, we’re pulled over on the side of the road because my mom has misplaced her chap-stick. This woman and her chap-stick. We’re on our way to Iowa to visit the best homeless shelters the state has to offer. I wouldn’t think to look in Iowa for this either, but my mom is insistent that it’s the place to be. She got kicked out of her apartment, again, and has now decided she would rather skip a landlord and move into a homeless shelter in Iowa instead...IOWA? She says she likes the cold. I offered for her to come stay at my place but she told me I’m being ridiculous. She said “It’ll be fun to go on a road trip together.”  My mom has always been one for the unconventional but moving into a homeless shelter? I think it’s crazy. 

Friday 7/6/20

Today was rough. We got up early after driving all night so we could see the first shelter on the list. I told her I didn’t think they would care if we came after noon but she insisted on seeing what they served for lunch. The place wasn’t what either of us were expecting. My mom got hit on, a lot, which I thought was pretty cool but I don’t believe she saw it that way. The staff was strange, like something out of the Twilight Zone. My mom loves that show. The last time she visited me we stayed up until 3 am watching the marathon. Neither one of us wanted to sleep so we kept getting up for a snack every so often, I loved having her there. It felt good to cook her dinner, spend time together; I liked being able to take care of her like she had done for me. I brought up living with me again, just for a little while! She told me to drop it without saying a word, you know how mom’s do. Fuck it, I’m gonna order a pizza and pick a movie. Tomorrow the search for the perfect shelter continues. 



Saturday 7/7/20

Annnnd we had a huge fight. Mama read my journal (I know) and said I have to stop worrying about her. I asked why she couldn’t just accept my help and she screamed, “because I’m not a fucking child!”  So that ended well. I do not see my mom as a child. Actually, the complete opposite. My entire life I've watched my mom sacrifice for me with no breaks, no handouts, no complaints. I always dreamed I would return the kindness when I was older, buy her a house, car, whatever she needed. Now that I’m able to take care of her, she won’t accept it. Maybe her choice to move into a shelter isn’t about me, but it feels personal. How do you tell someone who lives their life in hard mode that it’s okay to take the easy route? 

Sunday 7/8/20

JOURNAL! My mom is considering moving in with me! Talk about an emotional roller coaster. It was at lunch today after seeing two terrible shelter options. She asked, “how much would rent be?” Of course I would not expect her to pay rent but I didn’t want to kill the momentum so I told her we could discuss it. When she said okay she nodded like she was making multiple decisions at once. I’m so relieved to know she’s at the LEAST considering it. Only thing is, she didn’t look happy. When she talks about the shelter her eyes light up and she laughs easier.  Am I being silly in thinking I know what’s best for the woman who single handedly raised me for 32 years of her life? Maybe. But I can’t just leave her here. I can’t. 

Monday 7/9/20

Mama fell in love with the shelter we visited today. THE LAST SHELTER. I feel like I beat the final boss and forgot to save before the power cord got yanked out. It is a nice shelter. It’s women only, has a clean building, and a pool table. My mom doesn’t even play pool but when she saw it she acted as if she had discovered the 8th wonder of the world; shouting “Look at that! Look at that!” Apparently, she can check in tomorrow so I’ll head back home. I’m devastated, but I secretly hope I can change her mind or that she’ll admit it was all a big joke. Then, she’ll jump in the driver’s seat, throw her head back laughing exposing her missing teeth, and call me crazy for thinking for a second she would stay there. Either way, I have to leave tomorrow and that’ll be the end of it. Not that I won’t see my mom again but Maine is nowhere near Iowa. Maybe she’ll change her mind.

Tuesday 7/10/20

I just dropped her off and all I want to do is turn around. The small voice in my head is telling me to do it, that she’s waiting for me. But I know this is what she wants. Oh my God. I’m sitting at this Podunk gas station staring at myself in the mirror, watching myself cry. She used to make fun of me for doing this, said I was very dramatic. Wonder where I got that from. This is not what I imagined for her life. Haha isn’t that insane? Me imagining how someone else should live their life when I’ve got one of my own? Fuck...my mom was right again wasn’t she? Maybe it’s not my purpose to “save her”. Maybe cherishing the gift of having her as my mother is enough. Mama just texted me! She says, “I am way past the point of doing something that doesn’t make me happy. Please, don’t worry another second. Drive safe, I love you more than anything, and maybe you should consider getting a dog.”  I think she’s right.