Deny, Deny, Deny

August 13, 2024

Dear Diary,

I can’t believe that just happened. I mean…it happened, so it must be real, but…oh God, I can’t believe that it happened. I know I just wrote that, but…it doesn’t feel real. How can it be real? I shouldn’t It feels like something that happened to someone It happened, so it must be real, but it feels like something that only happens in movies. How can it have happened to me? What did I do to deserve this? 

I can’t write down what happened. I can’t. It’s too…writing it out makes it real. And I can’t face that, I can’t, I can’t…but I have to. I have to face up to it and take the consequences as they come, but, oh gosh, I can’t. I have this massive lump in my throat and I’m spiralling and the tears…well, the tears are a whole other ballgame, but I can’t keep crying. Crying isn’t going to fix anything. Maybe I’m in shock or panicking or both, actually, definitely both…I gotta go. I can’t keep doing this.

August 13, 2024

Dear Diary,

It’s been maybe 30 minutes since I last wrote in this diary and things have not gotten better. Not that I thought they would. If anything, they’ve become worse. I want to go home. But that’s not a possibility and I have to face up to it…I know I’ve written that before, but I still have to do it because it’s what’s right, but I can’t, but oh gosh. It’s not just me who has to face the consequences of this choice, it’s everyone. 

But it wasn’t my choice in the beginning - no, scratch that. It was my choice, but it wasn’t all my responsibility. That was on Charlie; he’s the one who’s primarily responsible. He won’t own up to it, I know he won’t, and it’s not something that I can even talk about with Amar or Ezra or Kat about because we made a pact. We all swore not to say anything. I’m not saying anything; this diary is for my thoughts only, so it’s not like I’m breaking the pact, am I? Maybe I should stop writing it down.

August 14, 2024

Dear Diary,

I thought about not writing down any more entries about “The Thing”, but I couldn’t face it. If I have to keep quiet about this all the time, then I need to have some sort of outlet. I don’t know how the others are coping, but Charlie is drinking more than usual (which is saying something), Ezra is turning to sex as an outlet and Kat has become a shell of her former self; she hardly speaks to any of us. I don’t know what Amar is doing, but he’s definitely not himself either. None of us are.

I want to write out what happened, but I can’t. I know enough to know that diary entries aren’t private; someone could steal my diary and read it and then the secret would be out. I’ve read enough murder mystery books to know that nothing is ever private. The only thing that’s private is my own head because no one is a telepath. Unless they invent some telepathic machine in the next year or so. But that doesn’t seem likely…

August 15, 2024

Dear Diary,

It’s all Charlie’s fault. Actually, scratch that, it’s Kat’s fault. No, it’s all of their faults. Not mine. I was trying to make the most of a bad situation. And trust me, that situation was BAD. Kat was whining about being cold and Charlie was trying to impress her and be all like, “We can make it work,” and Amar was all jealous that they were probably going to get it on that night and Ezra was puking his guts out in the bushes and IT WAS BAD. This is already a lot of detail, but it can’t hurt to tell my diary that Kat and Charlie and Amar are in some stupid love triangle situation, can it? Kat needs to grow a backbone and pick one of them. I love her, but she’s an emotional mess and her stringing both boys along is driving them crazy. They almost got into a fist fight last night, which I never would have expected from Amar. Charlie, yes, Amar, no. Kat got between them in time, but for a second there, I thought that Amar was going to give Charlie a black eye. Which, all things considered, might not be so much of a bad thing, if it looks like someone was attacking him…

August 16, 2024

Dear Diary,

Things have gone from bad to worse. Which is saying something. The traffic cameras on the highway caught us going over the speed limit before “The Thing” happened, but here’s the thing. Even if they trace it back to us, there’s no proof who was driving. The car has tinted glass. Any one of us could have been behind the wheel. And…it’s Charlie’s car. He had the keys. He’s responsible. We all know it.

August 17, 2024

Dear Diary,

This is turning into some telenova or telenovela or whatever they call it. Kat’s knocked up. She won’t come out and admit who the father is, but I know it’s either Charlie or Amar. I pray to God that it’s Charlie. Control freak as he is, at least they will get into less trouble than if it’s Amar. His super religious Muslim family will FREAK and Kat will either have to marry him and become a Muslim or…I don’t even know. This is bonkers. But Charlie wouldn’t be a good father either. He’s wayyyyy too controlling and Kat is too much of a free spirit to buckle down under his reign despite her love for him. This is mad mad mad and bad bad bad and guess what? She hasn’t told either of them. We’re so screwed it’s not even funny. And I say ‘we’, even though I’m not involved in the love triangle, not really, cuz guess who’s the best friend Kat goes to whenever she needs help? Yours truly. 

August 18, 2024

Dear Diary, 

The police went to Charlie’s house today. The tight ass didn’t confess to anything; he just said a whole ton of “I don’t knows” and “we were in the house together”. All five of us. Which means that the police will come to us next. And ask us if we know anything. I’m not cracking; I used to think I would, but in the last six days - has it only been six? Feels like a year - I’ve grown a backbone. I don’t think Kat will, but what if she starts worrying about having her baby in prison? She still hasn’t told either of the boys that she’s knocked up, but she will have to soon. When she starts showing. She’s so skinny, she’s bound to start showing soon, esp cuz she thinks she’s like…6 weeks along? Or maybe she won’t start showing till later. I don’t know enough about pregnancies to guess.

But who gives a fuck about Kat’s teenage pregnancy? That is SOOOO not the big issue here. The whole INCIDENT is the problem. Charlie held it together under questioning, but the police are gonna come to the four of us next and I’m not sure if anyone can hold their tongue. We’re supposed to; we made a pact. If anyone would cave, I think it’s Ezra. Or Amar. Charlie only cares about himself, but Amar would talk if he thinks it would result in him and Kat being “endgame”…I don’t know. There are too many unknown variables.

But here’s the thing. The police already think it’s Charlie. He’s the one who owns the car, who had the keys, who was questioned. He can take the rap for it. And then the rest of us would get off scot-free, right? Esp Kat, who has the whole - pregnancy hormones make you do stupid things - excuse. And Amar can look after her; he’s a much better fit for her than Charlie. Even accounting for the whole religion thing. 

And no one has to know. 

It would be simple. Made to look like a s******. Carbon monoxide poisoning in the car. That would be fitting. The scene of the crime twice over. But that might make things harder, seeing as then the police would crack down on the car and there might be leftover blood or DNA or something from THE INCIDENT…it was an accident. Even though we were drunk. And that’s…that’s manslaughter, isn’t it? Accidental, unpremeditated, unintentional death? But that would still result in prison time…

But then again, it would be fitting if Charlie died in the car. Along with a confession note of “I DID IT, I’M SORRY” or something like that. And hey, maybe the note could include something about how he doesn’t want his child to grow up with a father in jail. A father who topped himself would be preferable…

It would be simple to manufacture; it’s his car. In his garage. In his house. And he trusts me. Everyone does. Because we all know that it’s not my fault and it never was; it was Charlie’s. And Kat’s, and Amar’s. And even Ezra’s because he wasn’t sober enough to make a rational decision. 

I know what I have to do. It’s the only way we can make it through this. Cuz put enough pressure on Charlie and he will crack and say I did it. Not Kat, even though he would throw her under the bus if it would save his own skin, not even Amar who is his romantic rival. Not Ezra who is an oblivious idiot to all the pressures we’re under, but me. Because technically…technically…I was the one behind the wheel in the first place. Because I was the one driving the car THAT NIGHT AND technically…technically, sorta maybe kinda hit a person. Someone. Maybe. Sorta. Kinda. But it was an accident! No, it wasn’t my fault. It was never my fault. It was Charlie’s car and he gave me the keys and Kat was being a little bitch about the cold and Amar was too horny to think straight and Ezra was so drunk, he was puking his guts out in the bushes. BUT IT WAS NOT MY FAULT. THEY PUSHED ME INTO DOING IT AND PUT ALL THE PRESSURE ON AND IT WAS NOT MY FAULT. 

IT NEVER WAS. 

Besides, Charlie was the one who drove the car. That’s what his confession note will say. 

August 25, 2024

The New York Times

SUSPECT ARREST IN THE CHARLIE McDOUGAL SUICIDE TURNED HOMICIDE CASE.