Dear Andrew

Dear Andrew,

My name is Abby, but you know that already. What you don’t know is just how hard and fast i’m falling for you. And deep deep down, I know that it may explode in my face like a barrel of dynamite, but hey can we enjoy the spark before the ignition?

Here’s the thing, I am not supposed to be this into you. What past experiences have taught me is that falling leads to heart break and heart break leads to cruelness, which leads to more broken hearts. And I’m not a stranger to heartbreaks or cruelness. I’ve fallen for many before you. I’ve fallen for guys who just didn’t have my best interest at heart, who wanted a moment of me but not the wholeness of me, you loved the way I looked but not the way I existed, but you . . . goddamn it, why are you so different?

I guess I could say that when you look at me, I don’t feel like you’re experimenting with a piece of my heart. I feel like you’re exploring the whole labyrinth instead, and although there are a lot of obstacles on the path, you‘re not afraid of them.

The first time I realized that I may just be in trouble falling for you so quickly was when I told you about the biggest heartbreak of my personhood. It didn’t happen that long ago (and maybe that’s part of the scariness of it). Last year I met someone the same way I met you, through an online dating site. And although I wasn’t looking to specifically date, I think I may have just been looking for company or for friendship or for someone to stop the loneliness I felt, I met him. He seemed like home. Like something I could return to after a stressful day. He understood me. He liked me. He wanted me. And because of how much he wanted me, I got blinded by the way his wants gutted me. Somewhere down the line I became an empty shell, filled with his anxiety, and his anger, and his distain for the world. The same way he was able to coax me down through a depressive episode, he was able to insight one with the hate in his heart. And when it was time for me to break away, I didn’t have the courage to. You see, I was afraid. I realized then what exactly I was afraid of, I was afraid of being alone. I was afraid of feeling entirely helpless against the elements of my brain. If I lost him, I would be losing a best friend. But also, I would’ve been losing someone who I didn’t recognize anymore. A stranger with the wrath of a restless reckless soul. I figured it would’ve been easier to heal from the break up than it would’ve been to heal if I stayed longer than I should have with him. So I left. It was the bravest thing I have ever done. And I swear to you, Andrew, I never felt a pain so great in my life. My heart shattered into a million firy pieces, and they burned until I was no more but a pile of ashes.

How I healed from that heartbreak wasn’t healthy. I was so alone that I was using anything and anyone to make me forget the pain. But it didn’t help me forget. Instead it made everything worse, and with each high came an abysmal low that dug me further away from my former self. The worst part was that I couldn’t remember who I was before all of it. Before all the shame and the many lonely nights.

Somehow, little by little, I dug myself out. And though I still struggle some days, I can feel myself growing stronger with each moment of progress that I make. But I made a mistake, or at least something that can lead to a future mistake. I kept my dating profile.

There‘s something about loneliness that highjacks the memory of pain. Although I was hurt greatly by meeting someone through the app, I still swiped left and right absentmindedly every other day, looking for conversation. I didn’t ever expect to meet anyone quite like you.

Everything about us is wrong. We met through an online dating site, we both enjoy the same movies and music, we both want to travel around the world and own a farm with goats and little yellow chickens, we both want each other. And it’s wrong because, it may be too good to be true. You may be too good to be true. It’s been six months since my last heartbreak, but the ghost of it still haunts me when I let my guard down. Andrew, everything about us is wrong, but I believe that you’re perfect for me.

The night you came over my house to cook vegetable lasagna with me and talk, I realized that the whole time, I couldn’t stop smiling. My cheeks grew incredibly tired and yet I couldn’t stop grinning like a fool. It was one of the happiest moments of my life. I felt like I was cooking with an old friend of mine. We sipped wine, ate chocolate, and talked about life and what we wanted out of it. You asked me questions about my art and about my past relationships and when I told you about him you said to me, “Abby I am falling for you. And I know that everything is so new, but I’m willing to go slow and get to know you better. I think you’re simply the most incredible person i’ve met in a while.” And I looked into your eyes and you looked into mine, and Andrew, the world stopped. Did you feel it too? I got lost into your soul and I’m sure you got lost into mine. You felt so very familiar to me. And I felt so safe in your arms.

But I also felt so afraid. What lies ahead of us? Ahead of all of our hopes and dreams for one another? I’m afraid of giving you the last bit of hope that I’ve been working on, just to have it all be in vain. And I can’t believe I’m saying this, but you may be worth all of it. A person like you comes once in a life time. I’m sorry that I met so many undeserving people before you. I wished I met you in my hopeless romantic days, before I got afraid of the flames of fire.

Andrew, I am not sure how long I will know you for, but I’m falling for you. My heartbreak led me to you. But I will not let my past define what I want now. And what I want is you.

I want you in so many ways. I want to travel with you and build a farm with you and I want to eventually love you. I want to dance with you again and again like we did on our vegetable lasagna date. I want to hear you sing to me, just like you did that night. I want to feel you holding me close to you like I am something special that you don’t want to drop and shatter. These are all of the things that I am afraid to say. It’s all happening so quickly. When things go fast, they crash hard. It’s all I know. Will we crash and burn like the others?

But this is different. I heard a song by one of my favorite bands, ‘japanese breakfast‘, and immediately I thought of you swinging slowly with me under the moonlight. It was as if I were imagining the future. And it didn’t seem forced or silly to me. It felt like a shared memory between you and I.

So, dear Andrew, please don’t break my heart. But if you do, I’ll be ok. You have taught me that I deserve so much out of the world. So I will go out and do my best to fall in love with myself throughout my journey, although I wouldn’t mind if you came along for the ride.

Sincerely, Abby.