The Thing About Eggs

“And so it happened that Jesus rose from the grave,” finished the priest.

“How did he move the boulder?” Tim asked.

The priest found the child in the crowd and looked at him.

“What?” he said.

“The boulder. There was a boulder, was there not?”

“Why do you concern yourself with these trivialities, Tim?” the priest scowled.

“Why is it trivial, if it is in the Bible?”

“Well, God is almighty, is he not?”

“That may be so, but the Bible says that Jesus was a human. He did not have the physical strength of God.”

The priest was incensed with anger. He would show Tim who’s boss.

“Now listen here, Timmy, you little-”

He was interrupted when the church doors slammed open. An astonished crowd craned its necks to look back at the entrance. Early April fog streamed in through the opening, bringing frigid air with it. Goosebumps spread around the congregation like a virus. The silhouette of a creature was projected onto the fog by the early morning sun, taller than any natural human being could be. Two large protrusions poked out of the thick mist from the top of its head. The congregation gasped and some of the more pious members tried clambering over the pews to the front of the church. The apparition slowly walked through the fog, ignorant of - or apathetic to - the humans struggling before it. The pandemonium reached a crescendo as the figure emerged from the fog and stepped into the overhead light. The crowd, who had been fearing the devil’s horrendous plans, suddenly stopped in its tracks. From the viscous morning mist emerged not a human, not the devil but… a bunny, larger and more muscular than the strongest man. It wore an unnatural smile upon its face.

“Hello folks,” it bellowed deeply, “It’s me, the Easter Bunny!”

The crowd of god-fearing villagers breathed a collective sigh of relief. It was just a man in a costume, they thought.

The priest, who had hidden behind the altar, peeked out from behind it. As he saw the massive bunny in the entrance, he, too, deflated with relief and elation. As he stood back up, he greeted the bunny.

“Welcome to our humble congregation, dear Easter Bunny,” he said.

The bunny kept walking through the church towards the chancel, silent as a lamb.

“Friend, don’t you want to take off that silly costume?” asked the priest.

The bunny pointed to its furry coat and cocked its head.

“What costume?” it asked.

The priest frowned in indignation.

As the bunny reached the chancel, he exclaimed, “Do not disrespect the house of God with your shenanigans!”

Without a word, the bunny stepped up onto the altar.

“What are you doing, you heathen?” screamed the priest.

The bunny turned on its heels, faced the congregation and grabbed the microphone from the lectern.

“You people,” its disconcerting baritone rumbled through the church, “have been told lies!”

The priest, not quite sure what it was that he was witnessing, shook his head.

“Jesus is a lie. God is a lie!” shouted the bunny.

With the vigor of a young man, the priest suddenly jumped at the bunny, clawing and scratching at its rough coat, trying to rip off the costume to unveil the unbeliever. Without hesitation, the bunny let go of the microphone to pull the priest up by his neck.

“You dare interrupt me, little man?” said the bunny before throwing the holy man backwards onto his behind. It turned back to the congregation. Shocked faces looked back at it. Some panicked escape attempts were thwarted by the church doors suddenly slamming shut.

“Now, you little people listen to me,” said the bunny, “There is no God to help you. There is no Jesus to pray to. There is only me. The Easter bunny. This holiday, this religion you insipid creatures have created was always about me!”

People, now fearing for their lives, scrambled towards the exits. All of them were inexplicably locked.

“Bow before me, mortals!” said the bunny with mad fervor as the crowd was pulled by invisible arms back to the pews.

“Bow before your new Lord, the Lord of Eggs, the Lord of Chocolate!”

One after the other, members of the congregation were forced on their knees by an unseen force.

“Now, puny fleshlings, listen and heed my words,” said the bunny with an uncanny smile, “Since time untold, it was us, the bunnies, who have ruled this world. Then, you disgusting creatures came along and claimed it for yourselves. Your rule comes to an end today!”

The bunny turned, grabbed the priest and held him up for all to see.

“This is what you are? This is what you amount to? Bags of flesh and water?”

To the horror of the crowd, the bunny snapped the bony man in two and started devouring him on the chancel.

“This is your purpose. Food for your superior Lords!” it screamed, louder than any microphone could amplify.

“We, the bunnies of the world, will rule over you, we will herd you like cattle, we will devour you like you devoured us for centuries!”

It took another bite from the man’s midsection and spoke as it chewed.

“For untold millennia you ate us like savages, bred us like we were nothing!”

It swallowed.

“And as if that had not been enough, you spread lies and deceit! All this time, you claimed eggs come from our mortal enemies, the chickens!”

Expressions among the congregation shifted from fear to confusion, back to fear as the bunny took another bite.

“We are the bearers of eggs! We and we alone!” shouted the bunny, “Confused as to how colored eggs appeared throughout the week of Easter out of thin air, you conjured lies and told your children it was you who colored them and hid them in the underbrush!”

The bunny discarded the bones of the priest it had been eating, now no more than an emaciated skeleton.

“Really, it was us all along. Every egg your children ate was filled with the great bunny gospel. The truth!”

It stared down the crowd.

“You even went so far as to claim that your precious Jesus was buried in a cave with a boulder in front of it. Historical revisionism. Lies. Deception. It’s in your DNA!”

The bunny stepped onto the altar.

“Now you learn the truth from those who you oppressed! It was no boulder! It was an egg! We created a monstrously huge egg and buried your Jesus with it! Pontius Pilate? One of ours! A bunny wearing human skin!”

The sound of a throat being cleared in the crowd rang through the church.

“Excuse me, Mister Bunny, sir,” a tiny voice called out.

The bunny stopped in its tracks and looked around for the interrupter.

“How did Jesus move the giant egg?”

“What?” asked the bunny, confused.

“If it wasn’t a boulder but instead it was a giant egg, it would still have been heavy, no? How did he move it?”

The bunny found the tiny human in the crowd and jumped from the altar right in front of him. It leaned in close, exposing its sharp teeth in a wide grin.

“Now listen here, Timmy, you little shit…”