Breakfast with Alex

The toaster popped. Jessica, dressed in her bathrobe, hair in a messy bun, bunny slippers adorning her feet, reached for it, but Alex was faster.

“Can you not do that?”

“You snooze, you lose! Good morning, dearheart.”

“Alex, what are you going to do with that? You can’t eat.”

“Touché.” 

Alex was already dressed because Alex was always dressed. The same jeans and sweater she had borrowed from Jessica. She would never get that sweater back. Her nails were chipped and her converse were tearing a bit where the rubber met fabric. Jessica had everything about Alex on this day memorized.

“What’d you do all night?” At the beginning Alex would lay in her bed while she slept. Jessica was just happy to have her there. But that had fizzled out with time. People weren’t supposed to exist like this.

“Started some docu-series about this girl who had her boyfriend kill her parents..”

“Oh ew. Bloody.”

“Ha. Yeah. I guess.”

Long periods of silence were common at this point. At first there was a lot of talking. Everything felt like borrowed time. There was an urgency. A gratefulness. But once they'd said everything they regretted not saying. . .there was quiet. And then there was the “why” of it all to be discussed. And then more quiet. Then regret. The realization that this was unfair. Someone would say something hurtful, a night of angry silence, then an apology. Once they had worked through all those stages there was nothing left but their normal. The silences were long but more comfortable. There was an underlying tension. A “how do we get out of this” and a “how do we move on from this”.

“I have a meeting today. That grief counseling group.” Jessica said hesitantly.

“Super weird that you go to those. I’m right here.”

“Better than the asylum. Think you would follow me there?”

“Think I would follow you anywhere.”

They couldn’t leave the house together. That was hard for Alex. She had always been active. She loved to hike. She loved to run. She used to have this giant yellow dog that she would take with her on her adventures. Before Alex had shown back up, in those agonizing weeks, Jessica had given the dog away. He had gone to a nice family with kids and a huge yard. Jessica had done her best. But it took Alex a long time to forgive her.

“What are you gonna do today?”

“Nothing, really. Probably watch more of that series.”

“Fun.”

“Should be.” Alex was pulling at the loose rubber on her shoe.

Alex showing back up in the house had made Jesssica spiral at first. She thought her girlfriend was a delusion. She hadn’t really been sleeping. She’d been drinking too much. Alex had been easy enough to explain away and easy enough to enjoy. She would hold Jessica when she cried. Yell at her about the dog. Clean the kitchen when Jessica was too sad to get out of bed. But the longer she was there the harder it was to explain it.

Alex didn’t know either. She couldn’t tell Jessica where she had gone. She didn’t know. All she had in her memory was car, hospital, fuzziness, Jessica, wracked with sobs. A missing piece in the middle.

Alex was here. Jessica could touch her, hold her, talk to her. They would pontificate as to why she was back but they really didn’t know.

“Maybe it’s like Groundhog day and you have to do something to break the cycle.”

“Maybe you have unfinished business with me.”

“Maybe we need to break up.”

“Maybe you need to move on.”

“What if we get the dog back?”

“What if you make peace with the kid in the car?”

“Let’s have our friends over, see if they can see me!”

“Let’s try calling your mom?”

Nothing had worked. 

It seemed like there were rules. Alex could touch and move things but she couldn’t eat. No one could see her but Jessica. She always wore the outfit she had worn on the day of the crash. That was just because she was more comfortable though. 

“It just feels correct? Everything else is uncomfortable now. This all feels like a part of me. . .” Jessica thought it was weird but she left it alone. It was all weird. Alex could wear what she wanted.

Alex missed a lot of people. Jessica had invited some of their friends over. Alex’s mom had come to check on her. They had tea. But Alex couldn’t talk to anyone. It just seemed to make her sad. And it was hard for Jessica to pretend they were alone in the room.

Jessica missed people too. Once Alex had come back she had cut a lot of people off. It was easier. There would be pressure soon. To rejoin the living. Maybe start dating. That would be difficult. Hard to explain.

For now they just sat in the house together. Jessica was still sad. Alex was still sorry. But at least they had each other. It was better than the alternative. 

When Alex kissed her it still took all her breath away. It had been months but it still didn’t seem real. Sometimes she would crawl into bed at night. She didn’t sleep but it was a comfortable place to sit with her laptop or read. Jessica would feel the bed dip and her heart would drop. Alex climbing into bed after her was something she thought she had lost forever. Alex in the shower. Alex vacuuming the living room. Alex cooking her something in the kitchen. They were all tiny miracles to Jessica. 

Maybe someday this would end. When Jessica had healed, or Alex fulfilled her life’s purpose, or Jessica was medicated, or died, or Alex was reunited with the dog. A lot of things might happen. Or they wouldn’t. Alex would be a ghost in this house forever. Jessica would join her or she wouldn’t. 

But this morning they sat in the light and Jessica drank coffee and they held hands. A tiny miracle.