Mocktails

Mocktails! Mocktails! Mocktails! Get your mocktails here. State of the art mocktails like Mom used to make. May sound strange, but that's my job. My job is to get someone, hell, anyone, in for mocktails. Mocktails! Come on, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, get your mocktails, here. No ID required. Meet someone new. All welcome, gay, straight, young, old, black, white, rich, poor. We don't give a crap. Hell, swear your head off for all we care. We don't give a shit! Come on, get your mocktails! Get your mocktails while they're cold. We tried the newspapers, we tried TV, radio, online ads, Facebook, and a bunch of other apps, but this seems to be our best strategy for getting people in. Member, no customers, no profits, no business. Do we accept tips? Fuck ya we accept tips. We serve you, you tip us. Mocktails! Get 'em while their cold. Hell, we got water, there's no smoking, so the air's clean, get your mocktails here! Come on. Mocktails!

Then, an old white guy who's fat comes by and enters. Hallelujah! A customer. He goes in and sits at the bar. We got good, professional bartenders and we got the syrup shit from a big box store. Damn. This place is the cleanest bar in Manhattan. Come on! Hell, before or after you see a kid Broadway show, take 'em here to talk about it. Or, you a single parent, come in, too. Tattoos, no tattos, dress can be casual or upscale. Hell, this is the hottest place for teenagers to find a date. Great music and mocktails! Hell, we even got a play area and babysitters for the little ones. Get your mocktails. An elder woman in a walker comes by and I welcome her into the bar. Suprising we just getting' old folks, but who gives a fuck? Hell, there money's as good as anyone else's money. Join us for happy hour which is 3:30 to seven, right after school. Hell, you can bitch about your teachers and your parents for all we care. Talk about anything you want with our professional bartenders, except politics and religion. Mocktails, get 'em before the ice melts. Mocktails. Watch, I'll probably wind up on America's Funniest Home Videos. People come to New York for new experiences. Where the fuck else can you have a mocktail bar? You won't have a hangover tomorrow if you just drink what we're serving, guaranteed. Mocktails. Hell, we even got cut lemons, limes, oranges, the whole nine yards. Come on. Bring the wife and kiddie's, they'll love it. We'll even teach them how to measure a shot, free of charge. Mocktails! Get your mocktails. Our hours are 9am to 11 pm, except on New Years, if we're even still around by then.  

Hell, worried about you or your kid's safety? We got a strong bouncer and you know what he does if he's not kicking somebody out for whatever a sober person does in a sober bar? He's bouncing balls with the little ones. Get your mocktails, here! Hell, we don't just have traditional mocktails like y'all are used to, we've come up with new shit for you to try. That's right, we got virgin on the beach, shirley temple, and all that other shit, but we made up new ones, too. Wanna know what the latest mocktails our mixologists invented? Come on in, then. Hell, there ain't even a cover charge. Mocktails, everyone. Come get your goddamn mocktails. Spend quality time together on y'all's vacation. Hell, take pictures of each other, take pictures of us. Hell, for a fee, we'll even frame them in a frame with the name of this mocktail bar. Damn, man. We gots all kinds of stuff in here you never tried and traditional crap. Have a favorite alcoholic drink, but wanna be sober? Hell, our mixologists'll figure out how to make you whatever ingenious thing you come up with. Mocktails! Get your mocktails here.

Finally, a young one comes in with his mommy. I welcome them and is courteous. Wonder how they'll get along with the two old folks? Well, that's the mixologist's responsibility, not mine. My job's just to get'em in the door.  

Like sweet drinks, like sour drinks, salty, bitter. Hell, these mixologists'll listen to you and make anything you dream up. They be greeting everyone with a smile, too. Don't forget to tip'em now. And beautiful, clean bathrooms, freshly painted and cleaned at least hourly. Damn! This be the cleanest place in all New York! We got our license to serve from the state of New York. Damn. And you got the munchies? Hell, we take care a that, too. We got pigs in a blanket, nachos, burgers, fries, hotdogs, and we get you anything else you wanna eat. Come on in, folks, give us a try! And, if you come on in in the next thirty mintues, you'll get a free mocktail shot. Who you know that serves mocktail shots, but us? We got souvineers, too. Man, you get a glass with our bar name in it, you get mugs, t-shirts, bibs, man, the whole nine yards, so come on in. We got great music. Any kind of music you like from country to hard rap. We got everything in this bar. All welcome. Young, old, Asian, Native American. No drink minimum either. You just want to come in to talk, that be cool with us. Come on, folks, get your mocktails.  Do the right thing and be the designated driver. You don't need no cab, uber, lyft, subway. You drink here, you can drive home yourself. You be the best D D in town. Make friends. Hell, the bouncer here'll even be your friend. Why not? The mixologist'll talk to you about the shit be going on in your life. Free therapy with no alcohol drink. Who can beat that? Hell, we be dressed proper, we got clean floors, windows, tables, everything be clean in here. Come on! Get your mocktails peoples. Get your mocktails. Hell, find out what the gossip is around town. Who be doing what with who. Talk about the SATs for all we care. Hell, talk y'alls heart out. Free refills on sodas and coffees, not on mocktails though. We gotta make our money, guys.  

Then, a middle-aged black man who's bald comes in and I welcome him. He go in and talk with the other three. The mixologist's job is to talk, not mine. I just be selling this shit. Mocktails! Thousands of flavors! Hell, we even got shit from other countries like France. Want an origina? We got it. Want that foreign shit they got at Disney? We got that, too. Get your mocktails! Get'em before the ice melts in 'em. Mocktails! Get your mocktails here!