I Don't Understand.

“I don’t understand!”

We both blink in unison; my niece and I. The only difference being the giant droplets of salty water threatening to jump from the edges of her eyes.

“I think my period started.” The word “period” is barely audible. But from the lips of my 11-year-old niece, it reverberates like an ancient Chinese gong in my ears.

“For like, the first time?!”

Geronimo! The salty droplets take flight as soon as the words leave my mouth.

“YES!” Leia covers her face with her hands, leaving only her bright red ears to signal her frustration.

“But, why? Aren’t you too young?!” My brain was doing the equivalent of a bratty kid covering his ears and singing "lalalala”.

“I don’t know.” Leia answers back with tear-streaked cheeks and such innocence that I am immediately slapped with the realization of being an adult.

Leia, my lanky, brown haired, brown eyed niece, was forcibly handed over for the weekend by my equally brown-aesthetic older sister, Natasha. She had to attend an out-of-city conference by a “rockstar” economist and begged me to look after Leia for the weekend. I patiently explained to her that the rich plan on staying rich and the poor will stay poor, hence, Economics is pointless. Instead, they should join me on my fishing trip. Natasha, who had bought a new plaid jacket for the conference, did not relent. I love spending time with my niece, but as the laid-back uncle in the room. Not as the sole guardian! That was before I even registered anatomy-related issues.

“OK, OK, ok!” I touched her hesitantly, “Let me call your mom.” That seemed to bring some hope to my niece’s face.

Her phone was off. Shit! I send her a few dozen messages with a few hundred exclamation marks. They range from desperation to outright cussing.

“Ok! So, your mom is probably in the middle of the conference and I can't reach her, but… are you sure?” I have to try one more time.

“Uncle Dan!!” And she bursts into sobs and runs into the toilet.

I wish I could do that. Not wanting to lose this opportunity, I quickly take out my phone again to search “What to do if your kid has her period”. According to AI, in highlighted font, “remain calm and supportive.” Well, we’re past that now, aren’t we? What’s next?

I select a video of a reasonably maternal-looking woman with a low-cut blouse.

“Menstruation is…” ew, that word is the worst,“…the most magical and beautiful thing in the world.” The ludicrous statement is handsomely matched by a ridiculous smile.

Still, it was worth a shot. I drag myself towards the toilet, imagining it awash with blood. I suck in my breath, mentally cursing my sister who made me sacrifice my weekend for a “thrilling lecture on the effects of AI on stock trading on millennials.” Now I’m left conjuring a TED Talk on the effects of a rebellious uterus to a traumatized Gen Alpha.

I gently knock on the door.

“Leia, mens..period is the most magical and beautiful thing in the world.”

Silence.

“Can I come in? Are you decent?”

“Yes.” A weak response floats through the door.

I slowly peer in, terrified of what I might find. Inside, Leia is hunched up in my bathtub with swollen eyes and wads of used tissues on the floor. I give what I hope is a confidence-inducing smile and walk up to her. In the two steps that it takes to reach her, I quickly scan my clinically white toilet to check for any blood stains. All clear! This gives me the necessary motivation to seize control of the situation. I give her a gentle kiss on her head and sit down next to her on the floor.

“Does it hurt?”

“A little.” She points to what would anatomically be her uterus, but I mistake it for her stomach.

“That’s probably because you’re hungry. I’m also starving.” I grin at her. “Now let’s get some use out of these phones before they enslave us.”

I go straight to ChatGPT and enter ‘What to do if I have my period?’

“Your phone’s gonna think you’re a girl.” Leia giggles lightly.

“Good, ‘cause I need some mansplaining right now.” I chuckle at her. “You ready?”

Leia nods her head and her ponytail wiggles in unison.

“Get sanitary products. Oh yes! Stay hydrated. Sure.” I blow through the rest of the list, scouring for a mention of food.

Then I type in “what to eat while on my period?” and ChatGPT turns into my mom, suggesting soups, stews and beans.

“Soup sound good?”

“Yeah!” Leia smiles back.

Luckily, the pharmacy is just across the street from my humble apartment. En route to buying my first sanitary items, I feel nervous. The jangling of the chimes when we enter the store does not help my nerves. Leia and I move through the aisles looking for tampon boxes/packs. Honestly, I have no idea what I’m looking for, but I’d be damned if I ask for help.

“There!” Leia points and runs towards a daunting display of colors.

The packagings are covered with words like “free” and “soft,” framed by feathers and butterflies. Leia picks up a neon box of tampons and hands it over to me for inspection. We both read through the box like it's a clue to Solomon’s treasure, Leia biting through her nails the whole time.

“I need to see the actual thing before I let you use it.” I announce as I smack away her hand from her mouth.

I walk over to the counter, trying to puff out the right amount of chest, and smack the box down. The Asian salesman gives me an incredibly polite smile as the screen reads $9. That is a lot more than I expected. I was ready to hand over pennies.

As soon as I've paid, I rip through the box and take out a flimsily wrapped capsule. Leia looks at me with a bemused smile. I tear through the paper, and a miniature Blue Origin rocket, with a string attached to one end, falls to the floor.

“Not happening. Na uh!” I exclaim incredulously as I pick up the tampon and rotate it in every direction. “We are getting good old-fashioned pads.”

Leia makes a face at me but doesn’t protest. She grabs a pack she prefers, and we pay for it and a couple of chocolate bars. Back home, she changes and we’re out on the street fifteen minutes later, both munching down on a Snickers bar. I take her to my favorite Chinese place. The soft music and the smell of steamed wontons embrace our senses till the food arrives. We devour giant bowls of soup and plough through a tray of crackers and shrimp toast.

“Feeling better?” I ask as I burrow further into my seat.

“Yeah.” Her sleepy grin is rudely interrupted by a yawn.

“C’mon kiddo, let's go home, get comfy on the couch, and we can watch one of those weird vampire movies.”

“Ew! I hate those.” Leia scrunches up her nose.

“Thank God! Marvel?”

Leia responds with a decisive nod, and we lazily separate our bodies from the leathery cocoons and head back home. I pull my niece close with a side hug and kiss her head, embracing the surge of paternal love that has replaced my usual complacency. My mind reels through the past few hours, and I feel a sense of pride and self-satisfaction over how I handled the entire situation. I might have a natural intuition with kids. My phone’s ringtone pierces through my jeans pocket while I'm relishing in my performance. It's my sister. I straighten myself, unlocking inner poise for inbound accolades. I hand the phone over to Leia, smiling to myself. She grabs the phone from me with an animal-like desperation and instantly walks ahead.

“Mom!” Leia breaks into spontaneous sobs, “Mom, I got so scared and Uncle Dan didn’t know anything!”

“What?” I protest, “I don’t understand?!”