The List

THE LIST

Shred. Shred. File. Recycle. Shred. Shred. File. Recycle. File.

I was up to my eyeballs in paper clutter. I really needed to get a better system than “I’ll deal with that later.” Because by the time later came, I had one hella big mess to deal with.

Recycle. Recycle. Shred. Recycle. Shred.

It was that magical week between Christmas and New Year’s. I was off work, had burned through Netflix, Disney+, and Prime, and really couldn’t bear to see another person until at least New Year’s Eve. So to prevent myself from eating all the Christmas cookies, I decided to do something useful, like wade through the tsunami of paper from the past year. For a society that was supposed to be paperless by this time, we really, really missed the mark.

I looked around. The mess wasn’t even in any discernible order, other than the weak chronological order that occurs when you stack piles of paper on one another because you’re too lazy to put them away when you’re finished with them.

I continued sorting. There was a lot of shredding. I’d have asked Santa for a new heavy-duty shredder if I knew I was going to tackle this mess. My cheapest-one-in-the-store shredder was struggling with the sheer volume of the mess. At least I’d have confetti for New Year’s Eve.

Maybe I should go to Staples and get another shredder …

Just as the thought started to formulate in my brain, NO! followed right behind.

I knew myself well enough to know that a trip to the store to buy one thing never worked out that way. I’d go to Staples, look at the shredders, and think maybe I should go to Costco; maybe they'd have a cheaper model. Then I’d spend an hour or two wandering Costco, buying stuff I didn’t need. I’d buy a wheel of cheese and a vat of shampoo, but no shredder. Then I’d decide I should check out Walmart, because you never know. I’d end up coming home without a shredder deciding Amazon might have it cheaper, and I’d order it online. It would be dinner time, and I would have procrastinated my day away having neither sorted out the office disaster nor bought a new shredder. Just a wheel of cheese for dinner.

So, no. Better to just get on with the job.

Recycle. Shred. File. Recycle. Shred. File. File. Recycle. Shred. Shred. File.

Why did I keep all the real estate flyers? Seriously? I wasn’t selling my house. Just recycle the flyers, Scarlett! It’s not that hard!

Shred. Shred. File. Recycle. Shred. Shred. File. Shred. Shred. Recycle.

After a couple of hours, I was finally getting to the bottom of the midden pile of paper.

I picked up a handwritten list, and laughed. It was my 2023 New Year’s Resolution list. Ah, 2023, quite the year.

I started to read.

#1 — Quit Smoking

Done! Because I don’t smoke, it’s always an easy win.

#2 — Stop Dying My Hair  

Again, done. I’m thoughtfully, albeit prematurely, grey and have never dyed my hair. So, number two was a win, as well.

I always put the same first two resolutions at the top of my list every year. It’s soooo easy to be successful if you stop doing something you never started. And every year I have at least I have two wins. Twenty percent win average, while not great it’s better than zero. And I have been there before. 

#3 — Lose Weight 

Ha! Not what I had expected when I wrote it, but done!

Freddy and I had been married for eight years, a second marriage for both of us. In those eight years we’d grown apart. So far apart that Freddy decided that he should expand his horizons. But, apparently, not with me. He expanded them right into the No Tell Motel with a co-worker. When I found out, I kicked his ass to the curb. 

BANG. BANG. BANG.

“Scarlett! Let me in! I’m sorry! It was a mistake! It meant nothing! Please! I’m sorry!”

I’d stood with my back to the door, listening to Freddy’s whining. Finally, I opened the door wide enough to see Freddy, but not wide enough for him to come into the house. There was no way I was letting him back in. This was my house now.

“What do you want, Freddy?”

“A second chance. Please, Scarlett!”

“Nope. We’re done.”

“But it didn’t mean a thing. She was nobody.”

I paused and looked at him.

“You know, Freddy, that’s even worse than saying you were in love with her. It means that you were willing to break our marriage vows with someone who you didn’t really care for. How do you think I feel about that?”

“Scar! Please.”

“Go home, Freddy. We’re done.”

So, yeah, I had lost weight. About two hundred and eight pounds of dead weight.

#4 — Stop Drinking Crappy Red Wine.

A total win!

Post divorce, I started travelling. I decided to travel to the different wine-making regions of the world and find the best red wine in each region. First stop, Italy. A no-brainer. Then, because I was already in Europe, I’d travelled to France. And Germany was right around the corner, so why not?

That had been a whirlwind three weeks. I had sipped, sniffed, and swirled my way across three of the great wine-making countries of the world.  

But, there had to be more, right? I still had three weeks of vacation coming to me, so I booked a frenetic trip to Australia and New Zealand, with a pit stop in Chile then Argentina. A bit hectic, but so worth it. Fantastic! My palate was loving it.

But, the pièce de résistance was ten glorious days spent in the Cape Winelands of South Africa, where I found my new love, Pinotage varietals. It was like finding a new best friend. We’ve been inseparable since. 

Next year, I’m travelling to the west coast of the States, up to Canada, and then bopping over to Spain and Portugal. So, no more crappy red wine for me. Nothing but the good stuff from now on. Cheers!

#5 — Learn A New Language.

I cringed. This one was a colossal fail. But I did try. I signed up for conversational French classes at the library. I downloaded Duolingo onto my phone, practicing whenever I had a few extra minutes. I even subscribed to Babbel and Rosetta Stone. But my brain is just not new language worthy.  

My friend Myrna is a polyglot who speaks eleven different languages, eight of which she can read and write. She tries to be kind when I get her quiz me, but sometimes she can’t help herself.

“Bahaha! Scarlett, ‘Je suis fini’ doesn’t mean what you think it does.”

I was confused. “What? It means that I’m finished doing whatever I was doing, right?”

“Nooooo, no, no. It means ‘I’m dead.’”

“Shit! When I was in Quebec, I said ‘Je suis fini’ to the server. She asked me if I wanted her to call nine-one-one for me. I didn’t understand.” I shook my head. “I’m an idiot.”

“Non, tu ne l’es pas, tu ne sais tout simplement pas.”

“Huh?”

“It means, ‘No you’re not, you just don’t know.’ But I applaud the effort.”

#6 — Learn To Ski

I looked down at the walking cast on my foot. Another not-so-successful endeavour. A big fat fail. Sad face.

#7 — Be Nice To Mom

Now, this was a hard one. Every year I put this on the list, and every year I have the same outcome — a fail. She’s got to be the crustiest woman I know, and for some reason nothing — and I mean nothing — I do is right. Everything that happens is my fault. I know I am not the only child out there with this problem, but man, it’s a toughie. She is impossible.

For example, earlier this year when I told her Freddy and I were divorcing, I made the mistake of telling her why. I should have just said that we had grown apart. But no, I told her Freddy cheated on me.

“Well, I’m not surprised,” she said.

I expected her to say that she hadn’t liked Freddy anyway, and good riddance to bad garbage. Blah, blah, blah. But nooooo. 

“You need to take better care of yourself. No wonder he cheated. You’re a mess.”

“Mom!”

“I’m just telling you what I see. You’re not a young woman anymore, Scarlett. And this is your second marriage.

“Quinn died, Mother. He didn’t leave me. We didn’t divorce. He died. Tragically.”

“Yes, I know. But do you really think that he would have stuck around if he had lived? You’re a difficult woman who is not that appealing.”

Quinn and I had loved each other, completely. I was devastated when he died. I mourned his passing for years. When Freddy and I married twelve years later, I thought I had found love again. But in hindsight, I married more out of loneliness, and the fact that I liked the idea someone was paying attention to me. Apparently, I was wrong.

“You know, Scarlett, if wouldn’t hurt if you died your hair.” She looked me up and down. “And maybe got a better bra. Your ladies are all saggy. That’s very unattractive, at all. You're not a hippy! No wonder Freddy left. You are quite a ways past your prime.”

I took a big breath.

“I kicked him out, Mother. He would have been happy to continue with the status quo, but I found out about his side piece. So, it’s all on Freddy.”

“He probably wanted to get caught, Scarlett. I’m fairly certain he would have left you before too long.”

“Mom! You’ve been married five times! What the heck!”

“Yes. But not one of my husbands cheated on me.”

“No! You cheated on them, and always had a backup man — or as you so eloquently put it, ‘one in the bush’ — when you wanted out of a marriage. You’re such a hypocrite! I don’t even know why I try!”

“You need to get your nails done, Scarlett. Your hands look like peasant hands.”

Yup, she’s one crusty old bitch without a filter. And it’s so hard to be nice to her. Sometimes, too hard.

#8 — Find A New Love

First off, I like being alone. But sometimes, I’m a bit lonely.  But the universe has a way of working things out.

I am an avid walker — or I was before skiing entered my life. So now instead of power-walking, I slowly limp around the park closest to my house. A couple of weeks ago, a small black cat started following me. At first she stayed well back. Then she got closer. By the third day, she came bounding up when I entered the park, looking for affection and food, both of which I had plenty of.  On the fourth day she ran right up my leg, meowling, begging for treats and pets. That was also the day she followed me home.  

She’s an indoor cat now, and seems quite content with that arrangement. Her name is Karma. Because she showed up right when I needed her to, I figured Karma quite apropos. She’s my new love. And, just for the record, she’s a lot less work than Freddy.

#9 — Learn To Drive Stick

I have custody of Freddy’s Dodge Hellcat. While not my first choice for transportation, I do feel pretty slick in it. So I got Myrna to teach me how to drive standard, even though her stick shift is a Subaru Outback. But stick is stick, right? You’d be surprised how people — men in particular— react when they see a woman driving a muscle car. I just rev the engine and take off. I am a badass! A badass for the win!

#10 — Keep My Office Clean

Ha! An obvious fail! But, maybe if I finish this before 2024, I’d have done it at least once this year …

I looked down. I’d penciled in an eleventh resolution. I paused. Then I started to laugh out loud. I wrote it right after I kicked Freddy out of the house.

#11 — Try Not To Kill Freddy

That was a giant fail. I’d killed Freddy and had hidden his body. Then I’d filed a missing persons report with the police. They’re still looking.

I’d better burn this list.