BREAKING NEWS: Local Nuisance Sends In Annoying "Manifesto"

I don’t really appreciate my title of super villain. The first time someone called me that was in a newspaper article after I accidently released a group of penguins from the Central Park Zoo. I genuinely meant no harm! I wanted to see if they would follow me around like little minions. If there’s anyone to blame, it’s the penguins themselves. They’re evil little creatures. I did not instruct them to attack those groups of elementary schoolers; they did that on their own volition.

Unfortunately for me, a passerby snapped a picture of me laughing at the chaos, and it quickly ended up on the front cover of the next day’s paper. It was a great picture, I looked amazing. I can’t believe people spent weeks talking about how cruel and unhinged I was. “How could anybody laugh at such a thing?” Because it was fucking funny. That’s why. The New York Times needs to hire someone with a sense of humor.

 I also strongly reject the idea that what I am doing is evil. I am merely a humble seeker of knowledge. I want to better the world with science and discovery! How could that possibly be evil? I should be met with understanding and compassion when an experiment goes haywire, not anger and judgement. I am my hardest critic; I do not need all of New York on my case as well.

Also, my actions cannot be evil because I am not an evil individual. I don’t daydream about murdering puppies or any of that psychopathic nonsense. If I saw a little old lady crossing the street I would gladly help her! I like both puppies and old ladies.

In fact, I’m positive that if the public got to know me properly, you would learn to like me, or at least tolerate my nature. My experiments would be viewed as a fun aspect of living in the city rather than a dangerous one! You must admit they add variety and excitement to your everyday lives. You would be miserable without them; I just know it.

I blame the media and news outlets for my poor public image. They present all my failed experiments in such a negative light. Like, instead of calling my rain machine a “destroyer of local ecosystems,” they could have called it a “solid attempt at fighting the climate crisis.” It’s the thought that counts, but they never take that into consideration when they write their slanderous articles.

The Times is the absolute worst of the worst, in my humble opinion. They have always been critical of me, but I usually was able to ignore it. In a moment of weakness, I sent a box of yellow jackets to their main office after they classified me as a pest in their Connections game. I’m being serious; the category was pest, and it include ants, rodents, rats and myself. My feelings were hurt, and I wasn’t thinking clearly when I sent the box. Not my proudest moment, and they haven’t been very forgiving of that stunt. I’ve sent them a couple bouquets as a humble apology. I haven’t heard back.

Honestly, I never really intend to disrupt the public with my experiments, it just tends to happen that way. For example, last summer I was dragged through the mud when I created a radio wave that blocked signals from getting in and out of New York. I wasn’t trying to put a halt on the stock market, I was trying to heat up my food evenly.

I don’t really believe that billions of dollars were lost in the four days it took me to fix that little mishap. The stock people can’t possibly be that important. I think that’s another lie created to slander my stunning name and reputation. And honestly, it was really nice of me to stop the wave in the first place. I’ve permanently given up properly cooked hot pockets for the sake of all of Wall Street. If anything, I should be considered their personal hero.

 I digress, maybe hero is a little too much. I would accept the title though. Villain, on the other hand, is just absurd. It’s not like I’ve ever killed anyone with my accidents. I also don’t plan on killing anyone in the near future, if that makes you feel any better. You are so welcome for that, by the way. If I really tried to be a villain, you would know.

 I have accomplished a lot for not being truly evil. There are plenty of evil people in the world that commit mass murder and still don’t end up on the FBI’s most wanted list, like I did. I still couldn’t tell you how I ended up on that!

 I was a little shocked, if I am being honest, when I saw my name on that ugly thing. I am honored that the public wants to recognize my work as a scientist, but I would prefer a Nobel prize instead. I don’t know what I must do to prove to the world I am not the horrible creature you perceive me as. I am a human being with human flaws. Just because my flaws include lack of foresight doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings too.

(I must take responsibility at this point for the incident with the countdown in Times Square. I should have only taken a couple billboards for my timer, not all of them. I did not realize at the time that it would cause a mass panic. I just wanted to have a countdown for my birthday and thought it would be fun to share with everyone. In retrospect, I understand why people thought it was counting down for a terrorist attack. Maybe next year you guys should try to remember it to avoid unfortunate situations like these.)

I’ve been trying to brainstorm ways to show everyone that I am a good person, but nothing is really sticking out to me. My strengths lie in scientific discovery, not public relations.

One idea I had was to create personal assistant robots for everyone in New York. I actually pursued the idea by creating one of my own. You wouldn’t be able to call me evil when my personal creation is fetching your coffee and folding your laundry. The protype was seemingly perfect, but I practiced restraint by putting it through a three month trial period before releasing it to the public. I was so excited to share it with everyone until it turned absolutely evil on me. Tried to smother me in my sleep, if you can believe it.

 I’m just glad I didn’t release that on the public. I would never live that down if I started the robot revolution. You guys would be so mad at me.

 Anyways, I’m at a complete loss for how to go about showing my inner goodness. I’ve run out of logical options. I even played with the idea of turning myself into the police. However, I fear that prison is not for me; I am far too soft. I would go crazy without my lab as well. Besides, one day my experiments will succeed and make the world a better place. I cannot in good conscious take that away from you. You can thank me now and later, if you must.

It took me some time, but I decided on this instead! A nice little manifesto to the understanding people of New York and beyond. I thought you guys would appreciate hearing from me directly. I hope I’ve cleared up any confusion on this silly villain situation.

Next time you see one of my experiments, take a deep breath and practice a little bit of understanding and patience. Remember, I am doing this for you, because I am such a good person. Please treat me a such.