All the trouble for Ali

It was exactly 3:30 am when the whole town went dark. The Generator rolled his eyes and sighed. It was going to be a hectic day without electricity, with all screwdrivers and spanners operating him should he try the malfunction stunt. He wondered why Lagertha was his destination after the three months he had spent in a container shipment from China, only to be delivered to the doorstep of the Foodies Corner, a famous restaurant in Lagertha. He had served for straight five years, but right now he felt like retiring.

“Hey, Generator, off I go!” this was Electricity’s usual saying every day at 3:30 am for The Generator’s five years of servitude. She would later pop up around 8 am when the busy day was almost over.

“Electricity my foot! Of what importance are you? For heaven’s sake, Lagertha Town is built on Cloister Island, surrounded by water. For once you cannot spend 24 hours without my help with all the hydro-power supply around you. What a useless resource!” The Generator counted the seconds and minutes.

“Un, dos, tres-” to the 60^th second of the 30^th minute after 3.30 am.

At exactly 4:00 am, Ms. Edna coggled in her two-inch heel towards the garage. The woman was 65, and heels and her age-initiated waddle were not a good combination. She walked like she was going to fall face-front.

“Why is she always wearing heels at 4 in the morning? Who cares what you wear in the restaurant kitchen?” The Generator spoke to himself as he tensed his starter upon Ms. Edna’s arrival in the garage. Quietly, Ms. Edna turned on the switch and pulled the pull cord. The Generator tensed his starter muscles, avoiding the spark plug from igniting. The old woman tried three times and then she cursed and pulled an old spanner from the shelf in the garage.

“Okay, okay. That was just a joke, I didn’t mean to be rude…Aaaw!” The spanner hit the spark plug and The Generator groaned. On the next cord pull, The Generator didn’t need another motivating spank; he sent jolts of electricity through the cables to bring the kitchen to life.

“Bastard…” The Refrigerator screamed in her Madonna sweet voice which was polluted by her cursing soul. She had a British accent that made her sound like she was speaking with her nose closed.

“Language!” The whole kitchen screamed. No curse language was acceptable. The Refrigerator was still trying to adjust to the kitchen rules.

“You bastards, you wouldn’t understand. Has any of you had the experience of having your butt tortured by jolts of power from that mother… Sorry! I mean that idiotic barbaric Generator.”

“I can hear you!” shouted the generator.

“Shut up!” the whole kitchen shouted. This time, it was for The Generator.

“Are you okay Mamita?” The Deep Freezer asked The Refrigerator. He was proudly Spanish. His sweet addresses made him romantic even when he was uttering nonsensical gibberish. He was an awfully good sweet-talker who would make you blush by saying something that means nothing. Yes, nonsensical but lovely gibberish!

“What do you think? I hate 4 am.” Replied The Refrigerator.

Ms. Edna entered the kitchen and washed her hands. The Kitchen Sink smiled at her as she poured warm water from the geyser.

“What a hygienic old lady!”

“Shut up Sink, there is nothing impressive about her. I am going to be running for the whole day. Do you even know what restless days feel like?” spoke Stove. The Oven was sulking right below him.

“We are going to be okay buddy,” said The Stove to The Oven.

The Kitchen Door flung open and a plus-size lady stumped in. She had the energy that matched her big and round frame, a fireball even when talking.

“Oh, thank heavens I found you, Ms. Edna. I have been trying to call you since yesterday. I made a mistake; I am so sorry. Ali’s Wedding is on today not Wednesday and food is required at the venue by noon.”

“Mrs. Fletcher-”

“I am so sorry Ms Edna. We are counting on you.” She didn’t wait for Ms. Edna to speak as she slammed The Kitchen Door on her way out.

“Ouch!” The Kitchen Door complained.

“Sorry! It sucks to be you. Everyone is always banging you!” said The Big Black Pot. “By the way, who is Ali?”

There were murmurings, the utensils, and appliances lying to each other about the Ali they didn’t know.

The Mop yawned, “Y’all shut up! I’m trying to sleep.” He spoke lazily like he had a tortoise curse on his tongue. That was a bad combination, speaking lazily and slowly, for someone with an American accent.

“Good morning to you too Mop. We are just trying to figure out who is Ali.” Said the Big Black Pot.

Ms. Edna had an impressive reaction to stressful situations like this. She would sing her lifetime anthem, ‘Let it shine.’ The whole kitchen would be in awe, not because of her awesome voice, it was her awful voice. She turned on The Oven and The Stove simultaneously, grabbed The Plastic Dish from the top shelf and slammed her on the table. She pulled her notebook from her oversized apron to check Ali’s preferred dishes. Ali had ordered a muffin bar of twelve different flavours to represent her twelve roots of ancestral origin. Such sarcasm, having a complicated taste with an incompetent planner like Mrs Fletcher.

Ms. Edna wanted to be mad, but madness was irrelevant. She had to deliver by noon. She opened The Refrigerator and pulled out two crates of eggs. In two minutes, the crates were empty and the egg yolks had their teeth jittering, awaiting the fate of being whisked by The Whisk to death. In a few minutes, the major ingredients were all mingled. She grabbed eleven small dishes and each received a share of the dough and a different flavour.

The Big Black Pot was already on The Stove, simmering with hot water. The first two trays of muffin dough were ready. The Oven was also readily red, all the baking heat oozing from her. Ms Edna pressed the timer and shoved the two trays in and slammed The Oven with her right knee. The Oven slipped her hold and grinned, she was going to bake slightly open.

There were three variations of rice on Ali’s list. Fried rice, plain rice, and peanut-buttered rice. Ms. Edna wondered what type of guests Ali had to have insanely different recipes of the same food. She was going to do a cooking hack on all the recipes. She cooked the rice plain in the same pot. The rice was cooking and the first trays of muffins were baking, so she opened The Deep Freezer to take the frozen chicken drumsticks and thighs.

When Maya entered the kitchen, it was almost 4.30 am and she had her lime cat-faced headphones on that made her look twelve although she was twenty-five.

“Good morning, Ms. Edna,” she said, wearing her gloriously devilish smile. She was late for work and she knew that once she smiled, Ms Edna will melt down her anger. Ms Edna had always told her that she had an angelic smile but she was abusing it into compelling people.

“Maya, I will be mad at you tomorrow. Right now, we have to deliver to Ali’s wedding which was rescheduled for today.”

“What?” Maya exclaimed. Ms. Edna just nodded her head as she stuffed the frozen chicken in the Brown Dish.

“Ms. Edna, why is the oven door open? Aren’t you baking?” said Maya as she headed towards the Oven.

“Oh my!” she was almost running out of air in her nostrils. The Oven laughed at Ms. Edna’s reaction. There were innumerable times when she had looked like dying when frustrated.

Maya smiled as she slammed The Oven with her left leg.

“Girl, this is the reason why I didn’t close the first time!” The Oven shouted as she refused to close. The second knee kick from Maya sent The Oven into a groaning ecstasy that she made sure she remained shut.

“Maya, we have to pull those muffins out,” said Ms. Edna, worried.

“They are spoiled.”

“They would never notice twenty-four spoiled muffins among hundreds. We will scatter them with the good ones. If they are bad, they will be like the thirteenth flavour.” Maya was an optimistic woman with aggressive behaviour. Honestly, when did Ali tell her to personally add the thirteenth flavour? Ms. Edna gave in to Maya’s persuasion after a while. She believed in quality, and the muffins were not. Maya oversaw the rest of the muffin baking. She knew how exactly to deal with The Oven’s shenanigans.

When Dino arrived at the restaurant, it was past five that busy morning, and Maya and Ms Edna barely noticed him. He just had to fit into the busy kitchen. Some of the marinated chicken was shivering in The Refrigerator, the chicken stew was cooking on The Gas Stove and the chicken roast was frying in the boiling cooking oil on The Stove. Dino joined Ms. Edna on the kitchen counter with his favourite chef’s knife. He was good at chopping. In a few minutes, the chopped garlic, ginger, parsley, chimes, carrots, broccoli, bell papers, and green beans found their way into the good Old Frying Pan. Dino’s effective intervention in the chaotic kitchen made no one notice that he was very late. He believed so.

It was The Chef’s Knife who rather complained when Dino pulled her out of the cupboard drawer. “Come on!” she said. “Dragging me like you own me, I want to sleep!”

If Dino could hear her, he wouldn’t have tossed her roughly on the kitchen counter to grab some washed green beans. After that, it was “Chop, chop, chop, chop, chop-” Until the knife stopped counting the chops.

The Mop peaked from the corner where he stood like a bodyguard and wiggled his flat backside and said, “Yeah! Chop, chop, chop baby. Shake what your mama gave you!” And the whole kitchen laughed.

By the time Dino finished chopping The Chef’s Knife was breathing on top of her lungs, her tongue peeping out and her eyes rolling inwards like death was calling her home. She rested on the kitchen counter breathing heavily, while sighing at the same time with relief. She was breathing like a whistle. To her, Dino was a merciless chopper.

Ali’s abrupt change of date was chaos. Today, Hao Haizi Elementary students were taking a tour of Lagartha Town and their tour facilitator had booked a burger brunch at Foodies Corner. Ms. Edna had completely forgotten about the burger order.

“Ms. Edna, what are we going to do with the burger order?” Maya asked. Ms. Edna froze. How was she going to pull a wedding order and a school order that needed 102 burgers and milkshakes?

Maya smiled, “Don’t worry ma’am. I have your back!” said Maya as she slapped Dino’s backside. “You were late again, I noticed,” Dino smirked. Maya was a bad bad-deed keeper. A top-rated blackmailer!

As Ms. Edna cooked the three recipes of chicken, Dino hacked the three recipes of rice from the same pot while Maya baked the muffins and prepared dough for the burger rolls.

“We need potato wedges,” said Ms Edna.

“Yes, Madam,” answered Dino. His African accent over-pronounced some terms, although it was understandable. He would pronounce ‘dumb’ and ‘numb’ with a ‘b’. English was not his first language, but he had done a good job learning the famous language with passion. Otherwise, he wouldn’t be working in this diverse restaurant where different nationalities had a common language, English.

The peeled and sliced potatoes found their way into The Quiet Silver Pot with a salt seasoning on top. Dino’s wedges had always tasted deliciously unique because he had always added a secret ingredient, crushed fresh ginger. Some would rule his potato wedge recipe an overcooked dish, but not until they had their mouths watering from the crispy and crunchy wedges that sent the taste buds nuts. Dino always defended his dishes saying they had to be cooked food not half done. If it was half done, then why cook at all? This was one of the reasons he had never wanted to taste sunny-side-up eggs. He said it felt villainous to eat the egg yolk alive, and he had remained the eggs’ favourite chef in the kitchen.

Dino grabbed a couple of fresh ginger pieces from the rack, washed them in the sink, and peeled off the skin. He threw the ginger in the blender.

The blender cursed eyeing The Mortar and Pestle. “You travelled all the way from Zimbabwe through Amazon just to stare into this kitchen. Unfunctional décor! Some of us are here to work.”

“It’s not my fault that I’m beautiful,” Mortar and Pestle bragged. “I’m amazing on display, so that’s my duty.”

“Brainless beauty!” shouted Blender. Dino switched on The Blender.

By 10 am, Foodies Corner was still closed and the disappointed customers sulked as they settled for the restaurant's competitors. However, the chaffing dishes were steaming with three dishes of rice, three dishes of chicken, two dishes of potatoes, and four dishes of salads, not forgetting the muffins where you wouldn’t note the spoiled twenty-four. All these dishes were different recipes. Ms. Edna’s feet hurt, so she had to toss her heels away and walk barefoot. The kitchen rule required covered foot but today was an exception. Maya had spilled some water when she was preparing ground beef for hamburgers. She had vowed to mop the water as soon as she was done with her task but she got lost in the busyness.

Ali’s dishes were ready and awaiting pick up, but the school's burgers were not. Ms. Edna waddled to Maya’s side to help her slice the rolls as Maya added the veggies and meat while Dino added the sauces and packaged them.

“Watch out Ms Edna!” The Sink shouted. She was partially responsible for the spilled water on the floor. Plus, she liked Ms Edna. The rest of the kitchen awaited the horrible moment which was more of the entertainment of the day. They liked the old lady, but her slipping and falling was a level of entertainment they would vouch for to keep the day going.

Of course, Ms. Edna could never hear The Sink screaming. She stepped on the water and her fall was ungraceful. The Bowl of lettuce went flying before it landed, and the porcelain shuttered like glass. That was death, death, death! The old lady fell on her back and her right leg stretched like she was in a Yoga class. That wasn’t favourable for her age. Her bones crackled in response. Maya and Dino rushed to pick her up but she couldn’t stand. Her leg was dislocated.

The kitchen that had been giggling like evil apprentices stopped. If Ms. Edna was hurt, who was going to take care of them? Dino sat Ms. Edna on the wooden stool by the corner while Maya grabbed the old rugged Mop.

“This Mop is old,” said Maya as she opened the door and threw the mop outside. The whole kitchen stared in awe, with their mouths agape.

“There is a new one behind the counter,” said Dino.

The Whisk spoke like a wizard of wisdom, “I foresaw this. They are just going to use us until we are useless and toss us as trash. I have lived a long time and witnessed folks like you come and go.”

The whole kitchen was sorrowful. The Blender was puzzled.

The Mortar and Pestle grinned, “That doesn’t affect me since I’m décor, does it?”

“Shut up!” the whole kitchen shouted.

As always, Mrs. Fletcher flew into the kitchen. She was like a bird, rushing in and rushing out. Dino knelt by Ms. Edna’s side as she hurt from the fall.

“Looks like you made it on time,” said Mrs Fletcher but she looked rather disappointed. “I was going to bring the cheque as promised but the wedding is cancelled so I can't pay for the food.”

Maya turned to look at Mrs. Fletcher. “Your dishes are ready; you have to pay. I don’t care if the wedding was cancelled or if a rock band is coming instead, you can give it to your dogs if you have to.”

“You don’t understand, young woman-”

“Don’t you call me young woman!” Maya growled. It was not her fault that she was so small enough to fit into Sunday School class at twenty-five.

“Okay, old woman!” Mrs. Fletcher wore her usual fire. “I am not going to pay because the wedding was a scam.”

“What do you mean it was a scam?” asked Dino.

“There is no Ali with a wedding. I just wasted my resources planning a wedding that is not happening.”

“Why would you plan a wedding with your resources?” Maya was puzzled.

“That’s what makes me the best wedding planner, I assist my clients and sometimes they can pay me back later.”

“How dumb!” exclaimed Dino. He did pronounce dumb with a ‘b’.

“So, we cooked all these dishes for nothing and Ms Edna fell for nothing!”

Ms. Edna fainted instantly. As Maya and Dino attended to her, Mrs. Fletcher said, “If she is dead, God bless her soul because I am already one of the walking dead in hell.” She slammed The Kitchen Door and left.

“Ouch!” The Kitchen Door groaned.

“Everyone is always banging you!” said The Big Black Pot. “By the way, there is no Ali. Who’s going to eat all that food?”