Ocean Within

Darkness in the midst of a raging storm is lit only by a faint glow of moonlight. It is otherworldly. There is no balance on a ship among violent waves. The ship rocks to and fro in pendulum. Surrounded by roaring darkness across an expanse that goes on for who knows how long, my mind races. I have no idea where I am. The pounding of my heart thunders and fear crashes. Caught in a sea of nightmares with no end in sight.

Lightening reigns my eyes into attention. Before me stands a giant helm made of oak and mahogany, rocking back and forth. It is as if a phantom captain grasps it tightly, a mad captain as wild and fierce as the storm itself. Wind forces pellets of rain sideways. Salty ocean water bites at my eyes and drips from my upper lip into my mouth causing the need to continuously lick it away. I watch as waves prance about wildly to the howling breath of the storm. Glimmers of silver catch my eye, and for a moment I am captivated by the beauty among the terror.

Rain smacks me to my senses with a sting to the face. “I don't know how to captain a ship”. My eyes scan the ship searching desperately for another soul– searching for help. The moonlight seems cold and distant, a familiar feeling. My lunar companion offers no comfort this night hanging faintly, veiled by phantoms in the sky. Phantoms I feel accustomed to. When the moon breaks through, the light spills across the waves, but only for a beat before vanishing again into blackness. After a brief struggle I muster something up from deep within my tummy, up and out my mouth. “Help! Is anyone there?”, I shout, choking on my words. I think I know the answer but shout it again, "Is anyone there! Please, help”. Vocalizing words was just as difficult as the time before.. My throat tightens as my heart wrenches. And my voice trails off into the storm swallowed up by darkness, as if a word was never spoken.

My stomach churns like the sea, full of anxiety. Foreboding shakes me from the inside. I can see nothing. I can see no way. I am trapped. “Am I going to die? Maybe this is it for me. Dying in the darkness on the ocean, in the center of a relentless storm.” I attempt to let go of the rail I had been clinging to, to scour for help. Waves crash, clawing at the vessel, rocking it savagely. Now it is slipperier than before. Anger nips me, again I grasp the rail. Frustration floods my eyes with tears; they mix with the waterfall from the sky and splashing of the ocean. Fighting for my grasp, I attempt to regain my bearings and try again. Instead I get knocked about. After a number of failed attempts exhaustion rests upon me. My voice makes no difference here- in the midst of merciless chaos. Deep down I know the truth. No one is there. No one is coming to help me. I am alone. Overwhelming defeat takes over as my body sinks down to the ground fetally- my hope with it.

I shake the water from my head. Having regained my grasp I use one arm to wipe my eyes. Just as my hand gets a hold of the rail terror courses through me and my heart drops like a stone into my gut as my eyes behold a tremendous liquid mountain rising out of the depth, the hand of hades coming to claim me. I tremble like never before, and consider resigning. But just as then an angelic hand touches my shoulder and reminds me of home. When I look no one is there. I decide to brace myself. I wrap my arms around the rain and shove my legs through the holes also wrapping them around the rail, and I squeeze the wood with all my might. As the wave comes crashing down I reach inside for the deepest breath I am capable of and clench my eyes closed.

With great power the force comes for me, pummeling the fragile vessel. From every direction water churns and claws. I feel the ocean's wrath tearing at me. Wondering when relief will come, if it will come, I gradually begin to exhale. “This is it, isn't it?”, my abs quiver towards the end of my breath. Suddenly I feel pellets on my face again and gasp for air. Relief is short lived as the hand strikes again. This time my lungs are afflicted and water compels coughing and choking. My grasp weakens as my arms tire. The repetitive blows wipe pieces of me away along with my strength. I am powerless.

There is nothing left to do. It’s time. Time to let go. As I begin to release the tension in my body, a quiet relief unfolds within me. Fear is exchanged for surrender, striving for rest. Peace washes over me, and for a breathless instant, time itself seems to dissolve into a pristine silence that reverberates through my being. I am overcome by the sensation of floating — freedom and weightlessness wrap themselves around me gently. Out of that stillness, a soft voice whispers, “I am with you.”

Tears draw me back into my body, and I open my eyes. The sensation of a hand on my shoulder slowly dissipates. The silence lingers, stretching into something eternal. My breath steadies, and I feel the faint hum of life beneath the stillness — the pulse of something greater, unseen yet deeply known. The air seems filled with quiet promise, as though creation itself holds its breath.

And then, something miraculous occurs: light floods my vision as the ghostly clouds drift apart, illuminating the helm. In that radiance, I sense a gentle invitation — not an ending, but a beginning. The horizon widens before me, vast and waiting, and I understand: letting go is the way home.