What Ifs

March 24, 2020

Dear Wes,

    I wonder if anyone will ever read these letters.

    I mean, I know the whole point of them is so I can vent like a diary without actually having a diary and that no one will ever see them. But in most of the books and movies that I’ve seen, secret letters tend to get out to the open. If they do, I hope it’s like an Anne Frank situation. Not that I’m comparing this virus to the holocaust, but like a similar reading/description senario. Does that make sense? Hopefully that sounded not wrong.

    This whole thing doesn’t even feel real at this point. Like, we’re stuck in our houses and haven’t seen anyone except our family for the past two weeks (if you followed the rules), so sometimes it's easy to forget what's happening. Well, it’s always sort of looming over you, since, you know, it’s the reason we’re inside. But it’s not until I go on tik tok or instagram that I truly remember what's going on. It all kinda seems numb now. You know?

    We start online school tomorrow. I’ve been getting emails from my teachers for the past 48 hours talking about their plan. I don’t even think about how we’re doing online school when I see them. I’m just like, ugh, we still have school. Literally all my teachers are like “don’t worry, we’re still figuring out the assessment schedule, worry about getting the little kinks out.” Then my spanish teacher comes in like, “OKAY YOU HAVE A WEEK TO MAKE A PRESENTATION THAT YOU HAVEN'T REVIEWED THE VOCAB FOR IN A WEEK AND A HALF, THEN WE’LL HAVE A SPEAKING IPA THE NEXT DAY WHILE STARTING THE NEW UNIT.” I’m not exaggerating. I would say it’s nice to have a normal distraction, but I’m still over here pissed that of course spanish is the class that we already have tests in. I’m half convinced he’ll keep pushing the test dates back, though. Yesterday he said we would have the speaking thing on Thursday; today he said Friday. Fingers crossed he pushes it to that Monday or maybe even tuesday. We’ll see.

    Honestly, I’ve been doing pretty well being stuck in my house. Now, I did have my friend over for the majority of last week since we were already together when the quarantine started, so I haven’t been alone as long as the others. My friends and I had a Netflix party last night. It was almost like they were in the room with me when I read their funny comments. Almost. Minus the shushing. And, you know, them physically being there.

    I think by next Monday I’m going to be stir crazy. I’ll be fine this week because school will —should— be pretty chill and I’ll be able to see people other than my parents, but once another quiet weekend passes… only god knows. I’m an extrovert by nature, and even though I like a quiet night in like any introvert, I physically need friend interaction to function. Like dinner or movies or even just being in the same room as someone else for an hour would be nice. But the cases are only growing.

    My friends are saying how there’s going to be so much good music and movies coming out of this. People will have experienced the beginning of a dystopian novel first hand. Reagan thinks we’re going to have a renaissance. After all, the one with Shakespeare happened after the Black Plague, so maybe this virus will inspire peace(ish) and an increase in the arts. We’ll see about the peace part, though. That’s where I’m worried.

    But let's not talk about that. My number one coping tactic: avoidance. It’s pretty productive, if you think about it. Don’t want to talk to a person? Boom, avoid them. Don’t want to worry about imminent nuclear death? Boom, don’t think about it. Problem solved.

    Are you still broken up with your girlfriend? I would add in my opinion here, but I don’t know her, and, quite honestly, I’m not so sure I know you anymore. When we were texting, you seemed like the same person you were in second grade, but I know that’s not possible. Everyone changes one way or another. And because I don’t know the “now” you, I can’t say what I think would be best for you. If it was a sucky relationship, then go single Wes! But if you guys are meant to be—well, then I guess you're destined to get back together anyway.

    I don’t know if I believe in destiny. It’s comforting to think a path is already laid out and that you just can’t see it yet. But I also think you have to work to gain something, and those two beliefs are complete oxymorons. “Moron” is in that word. Never noticed that before.

    Anywho, I hope you and your family are doing ok. And if you aren’t, then I hope you get better.

Best wishes, Julia

March 28, 2020

Dear Wes,

    Finished the first week of online classes!

    I actually don’t mind the fact that we’re having school online; most days this week I was able to finish my work before lunch so I can have my afternoon free. It’s more the fact that I can’t see anyone. Or go out. I swear, by the end of this I’m going to go insane. I mean, I still FaceTime everyone and we technically see our class but it’s nowhere close to being the same.

    On Tik Tok, a lot of creators have started to keep track of their madness by doing silly things and recording them, then saying: day 7 of quarantine got me like. But now they’ve stopped keeping track and are saying: day ? or day whatever. It’s only been two weeks. We’re screwed.

    I hope you’re still doing well. I know it can get boring, so I’m hoping your doing ok both physically and mentally.

Sending a hug, Julia

April 1, 2020

Dear Wes,

    March is finally over!!! It feels like it took years, oh my god.

    I was scrolling through Instagram today, and I’m not sure if my classmates are going to make it. Mentally, I mean. Almost all the posts were about how they are missing their friends, followed by very bad hair choices. I’m talking dying the front half of their hair a really light color while the rest of it is black, Very, very crooked bangs, etc. Thankfully, I have not resorted to those kinds of drastic measures, although I am currently sitting here with socks tied in my hair. Don’t worry, I haven’t lost my sanity (though they are my volleyball socks… God knows how much sweat is caked into the fabric). I saw this thing where you wrap your hair around socks after the shower and you get soft curls in the morning. My hair never holds curls, but I was bored and curious to see if it would work, so here we are. Hopefully you haven’t resorted to bad hair coloring choices either. And if you did, I’m sorry.

    Things have been pretty consistent here. School has started to pick up again; I had my first assessment yesterday and have two on Friday. Kinda stressed about math right now (ha, that’s so weird to be stressed about math right now), but I’m sure I’ll figure it out. I get math.

    I’ve been working out almost everyday after school again, which is good. I even got sore this week from two different workouts! I don’t have any weights at home, so I’ve been doing body weight and supersetting. I finally went for a run today, and I was actually keeping a really good pace. It was really quiet out, though. Our neighborhood branches off of a pretty busy road, but when I ran past it I only heard one car the whole time. And then I was walking back to my house, and this girl was coming from the opposite direction. She had a hat, big sunglasses, long sleeve everything, and a face mask. Makes sense, but it was weird to see. She’s been one of the only people I’ve seen in person in about two weeks now, other than some lawn mowers. We waved, but didn’t say anything. But we didn’t need to talk. I've never felt like that before.

    I was in a really bad mood today, and I’m not really sure why. I feel better now after my workout and hot shower, though.

    Hoping that you're still doing well along with the rest of your family. How’s it going with your ex? It must be nice not having to see her.

Sending happy thoughts, Julia

April 2, 2020

Dear Wes,

    My mom drove me to my friend’s houses today. Don’t worry, we stayed in the car and they stayed on the porch, but I feel better just seeing and talking to them face to face. They were excited too; I didn’t tell them we were going to do it because I wanted to surprise them. I think the funniest part was when I was visiting my friend Sara; she wasn’t responding to her texts or calls so I was being annoying and blowing up her phone. But it was her brother who finally picked up and he told me that she was downstairs doing homework and if there was a message to tell her or if he needed to bring the phone down. So I told him that she needed to go to her porch, so he promptly yelled down the stairs along with curse words. My mom and I were both laughing A. Because of his yelling and B. How he didn’t even question why I wanted her to go outside during COVID.

    My birthday is two weeks from today. In two weeks I’ll be 16. Isn’t that weird?

Yours, Julia

April 9, 2020

Dear Wes,

     I am currently writing this from my phone because my keyboard for my iPad died and I have no idea how to charge it. It’s 10:30 at night, which is late for me to be on my phone. I’m kinda having a freak out moment, and I figured it would be better to write it out than waking anyone up since you’re never going to see this.

     I mean, a few weeks ago things were normal. How is that even possible? We were going to school, seeing our friends, taking tests at our desks and waking up early to get there. I can’t tell you how bad I want that back. Not the stress, but seeing them. All of them, even the people I hate.

     As you may know, I’m an optimist. I can’t really see how I would be able to run my lie successfully otherwise. It’s been holding up, and I’m sure it will continue to, it just feels impossible right now. Because a part of being an optimist is not letting the horrible, evil what ifs dictate your emotions. What if we’re stuck here for the rest of the month. What if we don’t get a real summer. What if I don’t get my volleyball season. What if, what if, what if. And the worst part is that no one knows the answer.

     A week from today I turn 16. Can you believe it? Yeah, me neither. 16 is, like, one of the big birthdays. I’m not really sure why, exactly; you would think it would be 15, since that’s halfway to 20, but I don’t make the rules. I keep telling myself that I’ll get to tell my kids this big story about how I had my golden, 16th birthday in quarantine, and they’ll ooh and aah at how unique it will be. But the reality is, all I want for my birthday is to be able to hug my friends and go to school.

     Wow. I never thought that I’d say that I want to go to school on my birthday.

     I want to text you. Make sure you’re doing well. But I’m not sure if it would be weird and out of the blue or desperate. I just want to make sure you’re ok. And talk to somebody different, if that makes sense. Should I?

From the scattered girl, Juli