A truth of many lies

She always thinks that she has been telling lies for her entire life.

She was born the last in her family. She has two loving brothers and kind parents who all love her dearly. She thinks she always has whatever she wanted: toys, musical instruments, video games and comic books, barbies and all kinds of delicious food. She has never been lack of anything which other kids wanted so desperately. She understood these things she got, was love. Although no one made her do anything, and they just wished her to be happy, she thought that she could do something about her life and for showing appreciation of what she got. She made herself many disciplines and rules to follow since every young and following them through out her years. She started painting, drawing, playing piano and violin, reading books and learning new languages since the age of two. She didn’t think these activities took too much of her energy to do it as she seemed to be a smart girl. She sometimes didn’t understand why other kids were so happy and exciting about something silly, she just felt and thought that what she was doing, was telling a truth about herself.

However, for a little kid, being involved in so many sophisticated theories would somehow affect one’s childhood. She wasn’t sure if these were true love with her. Sometimes she would feel frustrated if she couldn’t memories a piece of music; sometimes she would be sleepy if she couldn’t finish a drawing after an entire day; sometimes she would feel defeated if she didn’t have any idea how to start a story; sometimes she would feel very depressed if she couldn’t remember the grammar of a certain language. Fortunately, she thinks God has given her the ability to never give up, and she eventually sticks with these habits for the rest of her life. She sometimes thought, she likes these habits are because of her family and friends, which are entertained by her work and art so easily. She has always been trying to make people happy, but in the meantime, she would have to sacrifice her time, her energy and her brain power to make this happen. Sometimes she wondered if this was what she really had done correctly in her life? If these were from God’s will, to make them happen? She likes her work, but she didn’t feel like they were her work. They were built upon other’s expectations and standards.

With all these confusions and questions, she went to her elementary school, which she thought things might be different with other people. She got involved in the planning and drawing of the class designs, the anniversary party planning, the entertainment events and the designing and writing of the school articles. She got the awards as the best students each year and she felt proud of it. She felt happy for her work but she didn’t feel surprise about it. She couldn’t feel the real joy of it because she knew that everyone could do the same thing if they worked as hard as she. She still couldn’t figure out the answer, what is the truth about herself? She felt like telling the truth, but she still wasn’t sure that if this was a lie too.

Then she continues to her middle school, which was an English boarding school in a remote but very developed city. She thought things could be different if she befriended these people who were not from her hometown and seemed to be very smart and intelligent than her peers. Because she was raised in a small town, she would have to push herself harder to catch up with the city’s kids who had been learning more and acquiring new technologies than kids from village. As usually, she joined many events including designing the wall of school’s media channel, became the content creator of the newspaper of school, contributed some of her work to their school yearbook, and even participated in the planning of their class’s anniversary events.  She felt a little tired about her hobbies and arts now because she had to handle so many of her academic work while dealing with her extracurricular activities. She had always wanted to make things perfect and fit other’s expectations. Sometimes she felt tired, but she seemed to be enjoying this feeling of being slaved. She felt a little bit of being lost if she couldn’t find anything to occupy her time. She didn’t realize she had been dosed with something called obsessed compulsive disorder. Especially in a boarding school, she couldn’t have contacted her parents, and her parents were always busy anyway, she felt that her only friend in the entire school was her books. She didn’t want to be an introvert, but other kids who didn’t really want to work hard on academic work, or they just couldn’t understand the beauty of literatures, she didn’t even bother to talk or play with them. She sometimes thought that if she had missed so much in her childhood because she was being so willful in doing whatever she wanted and no one reminded her that social life was critical in keeping life balanced. She felt like telling the truth, but she still wasn’t sure that if this was a lie too.

Then she moved on to another country to continue her high school. In this school was even more challenging. With language barriers, her introvert character and her a little bit passive personality, she felt defeated and lost in the first three months of school. Luckily, with the help of her English teachers and her hardworking work, she successfully got into one of the famous University to study English and Journalism. Her goal was to become a news reporter, but if she liked them, she wanted to try law school as well. After all these years, she realized that what made her feel lost was because she didn’t have a goal in her life and no one expected her to do anything with her life. She didn’t get approved by her inner self. Therefore, she wanted to help children like her, who didn’t have a dream and felt lost early in their life to have an opportunity to pursue their dreams, with her endeavor in changing the system in education.

At this moment, she finally realize that, these has been a truth building on so many lies.