The Front Window

Patricia couldn’t stand looking out the bay window. When they had first moved into the house, her husband Nick had been delighted to realise that the window was even larger than he had remembered, letting in streams of light into the small living area. Their first Christmas in the house they had strung lights around the outside, that blinked red and green, until they had finally taken they down at the end of January. It had been one of the last things she remembered them enjoying doing together before Nick had packed a bag one night and told her he was moving into a hotel for a few weeks.

It was now September and the leaves were starting to change. Patricia had always loved the feel of autumn, like the world was moving into hibernation and she could now curl up with a good book and a cup of tea. Her job as an editor meant that the house was always full of books than there ever was time to read. It was something she and Nick had bonded over on their first date, the fact that they both loved to read and it didn’t matter what genre the book was.

“MOM.” A voice cut through Patricia’s thoughts, causing the vein in her forehead to throb. The neighbours were at it again. When they had first seen the house, Patricia had noticed the two boys in the yard next door yelling at each other and had immediately suggested that maybe it just wasn’t the place for them. She had been pushing for a condo, with no backyard to maintain and very little cleaning required. But Nick had his heart set on a house, so they could get a dog and everyone had always said relationships were about compromise so Patricia had agreed to putting a bid on the house.

“SEAN HIT ME!” The boy’s voice had gotten even louder and had the tone of a child about to enter the throes of a tantrum at any moment.

“No I didn’t, he hit himself! And he won’t let me play with the iPad even though he has had his screen time.”

Patricia waited for her neighbour to weigh in on the latest drama but there was no response from Alice. The day they had moved in Alice had appeared at their front door before the movers had even arrived, bearing chocolate chip biscuits and a warm smile. She had told them how pleased her and her husband Tom were when they realised it was a young couple moving in next door, the street was full of retirees and it would be nice for the boys to have someone else to play with. At that Patricia had grimaced but Nick had just smiled politely and told her of their plans to adopt a golden retriever that the boys were welcome to play with anytime. By the time the removalists had finally arrived, Patricia and Nick were booked in for dinner at Tom and Alice’s the following Saturday and the men had made plans to play golf.

“See?” Nick had stated. “You were worried we would be in social Siberia and here we are with plans already.”

“Dinner at their house?” Patricia had responded with horror. “What if we are expected to cook something? Why couldn’t we just meet for drinks somewhere?”

“They have kids,” Nick had responded, his face still open and smiling. You could never tell how much they had fought over this same issue. “Besides, it will be good for us to do something different. And it’s not like it will interfere with dinner with the girls or brunch with your work friends. Plus, when we go to Italy next year we can ask them to take care of the house.”

They had gone to dinner and heard about Alice and Tom meeting in college, then having the fairy tale wedding and two kids in five years. Over a glass of merlot in the kitchen, Alice had probed Patricia about when she and Nick would be having kids. Feeling the heat of the roast in the oven and the red wine, Patricia had just said they had planned to travel a bit first.

The dinner had felt like it had gone forever, with Alice full of anecdotes about the children’s school where she volunteered that Nick seemed to be find amusing and Patricia just found dull. Tom had started to tell Patricia about a matter he had taken on where a husband and wife couldn’t agree to custody arrangements about their dog but Alice had told him not to discuss work at the dinner table. She later told Patricia that she had tried to talk Tom out of family law – after all, there was way more money in tax and who wanted to spend all day talking about failed marriages? In a catty moment that she knew she would regret later, Patricia suggested why didn’t she consider getting a job herself, if money was an issue. She had seen the hurt in Alice’s eyes before she explained that she wanted to be there for her boys, unlike her own parents.

“MOM” the first boy shrieked again. His name was James, after his grandfather. While Patricia generally tried to avoid the kids, she had a soft spot for James, if only because he had told her on their first meeting he was named after Harry Potter’s father. Patricia could appreciate wanted to be closer to one’s literary hero, after all, wasn’t that why she had gotten married?

She had never intended to be married – she had simply never understood why people felt the need to anymore, when the law now provided protection for de facto relationships. And marriage had a long and unhappy history for women – why participate in an institution that had its basis in considering women to be property? But then she had met Nick and marriage had been important to him.

“It’s a commitment to each other. It doesn’t have to be more than that. Just us agreeing that we will look after each other when we are old and no longer able to remember each other’s name.” And so, Patricia had become swept up in the idea of being someone else’s and them being hers and before she knew they were at the chapel that Nick’s parents had been married in, exchanging their vows before friends and family.

Patricia twisted her wedding ring around and looked at the clock. Was 2pm on a Saturday afternoon too early for a glass of wine? Surely not and anyway there was no one around to judge her anymore, to ask if she really should be drinking every night and working so late. Walking to the fridge, Patricia poured herself half a glass. Looking at the remainder in the bottle, she poured the rest. It was going to go bad soon anyway. She stared at the contents of the fridge and tried to remember when she had last shopped for food. She was used to food delivery in the city that the idea of having to drive to the supermarket on the weekend just never occurred to her. Maybe she could just order pizza again tonight.

“SMASH!” Patricia heard the sound of shattering glass and sprinted towards the living room, wine sloshing over the wooden floor. A red ball lay on the couch, with glass all over the floor and furniture. As she stared at the mess, Patricia couldn’t help but think this was how her life now looked, in pieces, to never be put back together again. She could feel the panic rising up inside, the shortness of breath that heralded yet another panic attack. She took a large sip of her wine and tried to calm her breath as she stared at the carnage in her living room.

A moment by the window caught her eye. James was staring at the mess, his face reflecting his guilt. Seeing her eyes on him, he ducked his head and looked ready to run but instead steadied himself.

“I’m really sorry Mrs Maher. I didn’t mean to break your window! We were just throwing the ball around and Sean told me I couldn’t throw it further than him and then it went over the fence and through your window.”

He trailed off, realising that the story didn’t sound better out loud. His mom was going to kill him, she was always warning them not to go into Mrs Maher’s yard, especially, since Mr Maher was no longer around. Sean hadn’t minded Mr Maher, he had always offered to throw the ball around with them but then whenever they saw him he was too busy. But he knew about baseball. Mrs Maher reminded James of Professor McGonagall as she always looked stern and like she was about to give you homework.

James looked at Mrs Maher closely. She didn’t seem angry, actually she looked like she might cry. Shit. His Mom would be even more furious if he made her cry.

“Are you okay Mrs Maher?”

Patricia looked at James, unable to speak. For days after Nick had left she had stared out the window, hoping to see his car in the driveway and to hear it had all been a mistake. That he missed her. That she was enough.

“Mrs Maher?” Patricia finally looked at James, seeing the worry in his eyes and the way he kept shifting his feet.

“I’m okay James. Accidents happen.”

That was what the doctor had told her when breaking the news that she was pregnant. Even though she was on birth control and they had always been careful, they had relaxed a bit on their honeymoon and there she was. Pregnant. She had half-listened to the doctor, nodding appropriately, before telling her she would see the receptionist to book in a follow-up appointment. She had made it to her car before she started crying, the life she had desperately wanted to build flashing before her eyes. When she had arrived home, Nick knew something was wrong. She had considered lying to him, knowing his views on the topic but if you couldn’t be honest with your spouse than what was the point?

Looking at the glass on the floor, in the house she now lived in alone, she wished she had lied. Turning to James, she said “You had better head home before your Mom gets worried. Don’t worry about the window”.

At that James looked sad. “She’s not home at the moment.”

At that Patricia looked at with surprise. “Is there someone else around to look after you and Sean?”

James shrugged. “She said she just had to run some errands. Dad’s meant to be home soon anyway.”

Patricia sighed. The right thing to do would be to walk him home and stay until Alice or Tom got home but she really didn’t see why it was her responsibility. Plus, she now needed to find someone to fix her window – they were predicting rain tomorrow!

“Why don’t we go play a game of Harry Potter Monopoly while we wait for your parents?”

At that, James let out an excited whoop and grabbed his ball. “Shotgun on being Harry!” He was off, out Patricia’s door and over the fence, yelling at her that we would set up the board.

Patricia sighed again and grabbed her bag and locked her door. The window would have to wait for now. Some things couldn’t wait however – when she had sat down to research how long she had before she was really and truly permanently pregnant she had been shocked to learn what a short window she had in order to procure an abortion.

Nick had been so excited by the news, immediately making plans to call his parents until he had seen her face. She remembered screaming at him, that he knew how she had felt about this, had always known how she felt about having kids and nothing had changed. He was just as angry, trying to convince her that this was just normal doubts and what was the point in having bought the house if not to fill it with laughter and children’s voices? They had continued to argue for hours until they forgot that they loved each other and were meant to be on the same team and words were spoken that could never be taken back. Nick had left that evening to sleep somewhere else and had yet to return.

As she walk over to Tom and Alice’s house, Patricia couldn’t help but think how things could have turned out so differently. If she had kept the baby, if Nick had truly accepted her for who she was, if they had spoken about their issues instead of pushing them further down the road.

As she walked into the dining room, James said “Finally! Who do you want to be? Sean wants to be Hagrid.”

Patricia smiled at that. “I’ll be Professor McGonagall then.” James started at that, he mouth dropping. “You remind me of her!”

Patricia laughed. “Because I can turn into a tabby cat?”

“Meow! Meow!” Sean had joined them at the table, a glass of milk balanced precariously in his hand.

“Let’s play!” James announced. They had been playing for a few hours when Tom finally came home. Patricia couldn’t help but think of how tired he looked, the bags under his eyes only having gotten deeper since she had seen him last.

“DAD!” James yelled. “Mrs Maher is beating us at Harry Potter monopoly”. Patricia got to her feet. “I hope it’s okay I came over, James invited me.”

At that James remembered the window. “We didn’t mean to but we accidentally broke Mrs Maher’s window but she isn’t angry about it.” He spoke very quickly in the hope he could also convince his father not to be angry about it either. After all, it WAS an accident.

“James,” his father said with a sigh. “What have we told you about being careful where you throw the ball?”

“It’s okay,” Patricia said quickly. “I needed to make some other repairs before I sold the house anyway.”

“You are leaving?” Tom asked. “Alice didn’t mention you guys had decided to sell up”.

“Well I’m moving out soon and I’m just waiting to hear from Nick about putting the place on the market.” Patricia felt awkward discussing her failed marriage, particularly in front of James and Sean. Tom must have noticed as he looked at the boys and said “If there were two boys willing to wash up and set the table, they might find themselves having pizza for dinner.”

At this, James shot up from the table yelling “First person to wash their hands doesn’t have to help with the washing up.” Sean ran after him down the hall, yelling that Dad had not agreed to that.

“Is Alice getting home soon?”

At Patricia’s question, Tom’s face fell. “Well she and I…I mean it’s nothing serious or anything…” He took a deep breath. “We’ve actually separated at the moment. She’s been unhappy for a while and left a weeks ago to stay with her mother.”

“Oh Tom, I’ve really sorry. I know how hard it is when nothing seems to be working.”

He waved aside her sympathy. “It’s fine, we’ll pull through. We both love the boys too much to put them through something like that.”

Patricia fell silent and the room filled with awkwardness. Tom had opened his mouth to say something when James and Sean came running back.

“Are you staying for dinner Mrs Maher?” James asked. Before Tom could jump in and invite her Patricia replied quickly. “No, I’ve got plans for tonight actually and had better be going.”

As she walked towards the door, James followed her, telling her she would need to come over to finish the game. Patricia promised him she would and as she stepped out into the night, she turned to James and said “I’ve actually not Mrs Maher anymore, you should call me Miss O’Shea or Pat.” James eyes bugged out at the idea of calling an adult by their first name but Patricia had already turned around and walked out of their yard.

As she went to unlock the front door, Patricia instead went and got into her car. There was a wine bar in the next county over that served her favourite Merlot and she wasn’t in the mood to be alone tonight. As she drove, she couldn’t help but think about Alice and Tom and wonder how anyone managed to stay married. Maybe she had been right all along when she had told Nick it seemed like a pointless concept.

Walking into the wine bar, Patricia caught the waiter’s attention and asked for a seat by the front window. Sipping her wine and watching the strolling couples walk past, she was about ready to call it a night when a couple walking past the window caught her eye. They were holding hands as though they had been dating for a while and this was a normal Saturday night. His wavy hair had fallen into his face and as he pushed it back Patricia’s heart ached.

It was Nick. He was as handsome as ever and was now looking at this woman the way he used to look at her. As they walked past, Patricia made herself look at the other woman, to commit the image to her memory every time she longed to be back with Nick. The woman was petite with curly blonde hair and green eyes. The last time Patricia had seen her had been at the supermarket and they had stopped to discuss the cooler than normal weather. Patricia had been relived when James and Sean had dragged her away. As Patricia watched Nick and Alice together, she held up her glass silently. It looks like she might finally be able to sell the house.