As Gabe Gordon walked down the sidewalk to go into his favorite barber shop, he walked into a lady, who promptly announced “You a bitch!” to the crowd that just so happened to be around then at that particular moment in time. Gabe wasn’t fazed by this as this was normal in his world. In Gabe’s world, people are always honest and transparent about how they feel.

As Gabe walked into the barber shop, his barber noted how horrid his hair was at the time.

“Absolutely horrid, mate,” exclaimed his barber, Jared Bobby.

“I’m well aware of that fact, yours is much better,” Gabe complemented.

“Well let’s get that fixed right up then, how’s that sound mate?”

“Just lovely, say when did you get so dang attractive?

“I was always attractive, you just finally noticed it.”

“Alright enough of this, just cut my hair.”

“Then sit right down.”

After around an hour-long haircut, Gabe walked out of the shop.

“Hey, sexy!” exclaimed a woman down the street.

“Fuck off, whore!” responded Gabe.

That was the end of the conversation. Gabe didn’t feel insulted at all, neither did the woman down the street. Of course, this was normal for Gabe.

As Gabe was walking home to his lovely wife, daughter, son, and dog, he was really upset, he announced to his family “If anyone talks to me, I will start throwing punches.”

“Understandable, sweetie,” responded his wife.

“I had a tuff day, my boss is a dick, my co-workers are extremely fucking ugly, can’t believe someone fucking birthed that fucker and didn’t immediately throw him in a fire.”

“Some people are just ugly cunts, my love.”

“Oh, now stop with that gushy stuff.”

“Yea, for real,” his son added.

“Stay out of this, son,” Gabe snapped back.

After this altercation, Gabe and his wife went into the bedroom, not for sex, but to sleep.

The next day, Gabe woke up on the right side of the bed. He was in a good mood because of the events he had planned for that day. He was going to take his son to the carnival. The yearly carnival happens every year in the heart of the town. Lizzophate, UK put on a wonderful carnival where almost the entire town commutes to this marvelous gathering. Games are put on by sponsors, candy and food are for sale, and most importantly, the lottery. Every year thousands of people enter for a lottery, to win some of the best things you can imagine cars, houses, actual gold and thousands of dollars. But this year, the prize was two way tickets to any location in the world. Gabe always entered this contest.

“Oh, Owen!’ Gabe shouted up the stairs.

“I’m getting ready, you cunt!” Owen responded. Gabe wasn’t offended by this because, of course, this was normal in his world.

Gabe and Owen got in the car, said goodbye to Gabe’s wife and his daughter, then left for the carnival. The carnival was about a 5-minute drive from their house, so it was common for them to go back and forth to grab stuff they forgot, or just wanted to keep at the house. After Owen got his driving license, this became one hell of a lot easier, because all he had to do was grab his father’s car and drive over!

And the drive was on! Gabe and Owen started the drive to the carnival, which took about 5 minutes. They were there before they knew it. Owen got out of the car with his dad’s money for the tickets, which where about 4 pounds each. After they bought the tickets and walked in, they immediately entered the raffle, this year was different. They were going to enter 100 tickets in each. To the first game they went, which just so happened to be the ring throw. This game is simple, you throw a ring onto a glass bottle, and if it lands without falling off, you get a prize! The closer to the middle you are, the bigger the prize is. The absolute center bottle grants you another 50 entries into the raffle. Owen and Gabe, being determined to win the raffle, tried their absolute hardest to get that ring onto that stubborn bottle.

The man directly across from them attempted to insult them by saying “Fuckin’ tryhards, mate.”

“You think we give a shit?” Owen snapped back. “At least we’re trying at something.”

“Wanna see me try? The man rushed them. Luckily for Gabe and Owen, there was a police officer right there to taze the crazed man and lock him up.

“That was close, dad.” Owen noted.

“Indeed, it was.”

“Let’s keep trying to get those precious 50 tickets. 150 tickets would break the record for most entries into this raffle. The previous being a mere 100.”

So, they tried for another hour, before deciding this was a stupid idea.

“This is dumb, let’s not waste the entire carnival on this.”

They then walked over to the next game, which wasn’t a game at all, it was a food court. After an hour of throwing rings, you get hungry.

Owen complimented the food by saying “This burrito is so insanely good, it’s ungodly.”

“It cannot be that good, can it?” Gabe responded.

“Try it!” Owen said while handing the burrito over.

“Oh my god, it’s!”


After eating, they strutted over to the next game. The basketball game here was famous for honorable. If you where good at shooting free throws, you were good at this basketball game. That, and the lottery, was the reason this carnival was so popular. The grand prize for 100 free throws in 100 seconds? Well, of course it’s 50 tickets. It just so happened that Gabe Gordon was one of the best basketball players to live. He easily got 100 free throws in 100 seconds, bringing their total up to 150, smashing the record for most tickets, almost securing their victory in the raffle.

As everyone gathered around the stage to learn who the winners of the world famous raffle was for the 2022 Lizzophate Carnival is, the tension grew and the anxiety levels grew higher for Gabe and Owen. As the owner of the carnival stepped on stage he announced “I am pleased to announce that the biggest tryhards we have ever seen, have won this raffle. Everyone give Gabe and Owen Gordon a massive round of applause!”

“Holy shit we won!” Owen screamed.

“We won the tickets!” Gabe, who was just as excited, responded.

“Those fucking tryhards!” One person from the crowd shouted.

“Hey just because you’re a poor lonely bastard who can’t get any play doesn’t mean you have to be mad at us!” Gabe snapped back at him.

As Owen and Gabe were driving back, ready to tell mom, they started talking about where the tickets should go.

“I’ve always wanted to go to Russia,” answered Owen.

“They are fucking invading Ukraine, you idiot.”

“Then Ukraine.”

“They’re being invaded by Russia, you idiot.”


After they got home, Owen’s mom called him an idiot for suggesting Russia and Ukraine.

After a lot of bickering, the unanimous decision was Detroit, MI, USA. Fucking idiots.

November 17, 2022 08:04

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