Roommates

"Who ate my calzones?"

"..."

"..."

"It's not a difficult question. Who. Ate. My. Calzones?"

"..."

"...It was Brent."

"It was not!"

"Yes it was! I saw you eating them yesterday!"

"No you didn't! The only thing I ate yesterday was a freaking sandwich man!"

"Oh really? You just happened to be eating a sandwich that looked exactly like a calzone?"

"No, it looked exactly like a sandwich. Anyways, if you're so sure I ate it, why don't you tell us what you ate yesterday?"

"Fine. I had my leftover pizza from Friday."

"That's weird, I thought we ate all the pizza on Friday."

"Look guys, I don't-"

"Shut up Kyle!"

"Yeah, no one asked you!"

"..."

"And no, we didn't eat it all, there was still one piece left."

"Huh, 'cuz I distinctly remember throwing out the empty box afterward."

"Well I must've already put it in the fridge."

"And I don't remember seeing it in the fridge either."

"I put it in the back so you wouldn't take it."

"Hmm... that's awfully suspicious, don't you think Kyle?"

"..."

"Kyle?"

"Why are you asking him? You're just trying to make it look suspicious."

"It is suspicious! No one saw the pizza and no one saw you eat it."

"So what? Wether I ate it or not has nothing to do with the calzones."

"Oh it has everything to do with the calzones."

"You're crazy man."

"You think I'm crazy? Remind me who puts ketchup on their eggs?"

"That's a normal thing!"

"No it's not!"

"Um, can we get back to the calzones please?"

"..."

"..."

"... It was Rick."

"No it wasn't! I already said I ate my pizza yesterday!"

"So? Even if you did, you could've eaten the calzones at another time."

"I could say the same to you."

"Except you can't, because the sandwich was the only thing that I ate yesterday. Plus, I still think you lied about the pizza. Kyle, do you remember seeing a piece of pizza in the fridge?"

"No, I don't."

"See?" 

"Like I said, I put it in the back so you wouldn't eat it. Seems like that was a good idea considering you ate Kyle's calzones."

"Wait a minute. I ate the last piece of pizza on Friday. There shouldn't have been any leftovers..."

"..."

"..."

"Bro, why didn't you say so earlier?"

"... My bad..."

"So case closed, Rick ate your calzones."

"Rick? Anything you want to say to me?"

"... Brent slept with your ex."

"..."

"..."

"What?!"

"You're gonna take the heat off yourself by telling him that?!"

"So it's true?" 

"He has a right to know!"

"He didn't need to know right now!"

"Hold on, time out."

"..."

"..."

"You slept with my ex?"

"Woah buddy, let's calm down, ok?"

"You slept with my ex?!"

"I mean, you guys weren't dating anymore and-"

"..."

"... Is he dead?"

"..."

"Bro I think you killed him..."

"Uhh... Ow..."

"Oh, never mind. He's fine."

"..."

"What?"

"You knew about this?"

"Oh, uh, I mean, kind of..."

"And you didn't tell me?"

"Well, yeah, because I was afraid you would react like this..."

"Ugh... I think my nose is broken..."

"Shut up Brent."

"..."

"When did it happen?"

"A few months ago... I don't know many details though..."

"Why the hell would you do that man? You're not supposed to get with your best friends ex..."

"She came onto me! We were at a party and she invited me back to her place... things just kind of... went from there..."

"Dude, didn't you know Kyle's still into her?"

"No?! If I did, I wouldn't have slept with her I swear! Bro, you have to believe me, I would never do that to you..."

"Alright, alright, I believe you."

"Thank you..."

"Sorry for punching you..."

"Apology not accepted. I seriously think you broke my nose..."

"You're fine, get over it..."

"..."

"What now?"

"This was all your fault to begin with! If you didn't tell him he wouldn't have punched me!"

"Oh, right, my bad..."

"And you ate my calzones."

"Oh yeah, totally forgot about that..."

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"Aren't you going to apologize?"

"I just said 'my bad' isn't that enough?"

"No? You never said sorry for eating my calzones."

"Well they didn't have your name on them so how was I supposed to know?"

"You were both there when I bought them, they were obviously mine."

"Look, I don't know what you want me to say..."

"Well 'sorry' would be a good way to start."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Kyle..."

"Yes?"

"I'm sorry for eating your calzones..."

"See? That wasn't so bad."

"Shut up Brent."

"What? You're the one making a big deal out of it. How hard is it to say I'm sorry?"

"Well, how about you do it then?"

"Fine. Watch this. Kyle?"

"Yes?"

"I'm sorry for sleeping with your ex."

"It's ok man."

"See? Easy."

"Great, now that that's taken care of, you're both cleaning up the apartment today."

"What?"

"Just us? Why?"

"Because Rick ate my calzones and Brent slept with my ex."

"..."

"Yeah but we both apologized."

"So? That doesn't mean you're automatically off the hook."

"Aww man..."

"We have to clean the whole apartment?"

"Yup. This place better be sparkling when I get home, understand?"

"..."

"..."

"Well?"

"Yeah, we understand..."

"Good. I have to go now, this little meeting took longer than I expected. Try not to kill each other while I'm gone."

"Ok..."

"See ya man."

"I'll be back later, bye."

"..."

"..."

"So..."

"Rock paper scissors to see who has to do the bathroom?"

"Sure."

"Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!"

"Aw man... best out of three!"

"What? No way..."

"Ugh, fine."  

"Have fun."

"Yeah, yeah, be quiet."

"Oh, before you start that, I need to take a dump."

"... Don't you dare."

"Sorry man, nature calls."

"Brent I swear to God."

"I'm just playing with you."

"Oh thank God..."

"By the way, what time is Kyle getting home?"

"Well his shift ends at five so I'm guessing he'll be home by 5:30."  

"Oh, so we don't have to start right now then."

"No but we shouldn't put it off either otherwise we'll never get it done. Also, we have to clean the whole apartment."

"That's so much work."

"Yeah, we kind of deserve it though..."

"Well, you definitely do..."

“Did you say something?”

“Nope.”