Rover Red Rover , Can Bethany Come Over

The continuous ring she still hears , but these days it seems she's truly trying to make it disappear.

Waking from another blur , attempting to shake away the familiar disorientation, she wondered if reinvention of self was possible. Was it worth the struggle to fight, for something new? After all this time , Resilience still a root . White knuckles but not lacking mental muscle . Refusal to buckle or to admit falling is failing.

Bethany's insecurities still regularly made her question, could she navigate differently, to reach self worth or regain self attention? Hoping it not to be another of her wishes in the well filled with no riches but poked through empty holes . She prayed for Dr.York to not be another pretended ,” I can cure you” quick hustle .Basically her explanation of feeling like she had no soul.

For today , her intent was To not carry on like a regular day . Although , Bethany looked no different , to herself or the others , than previous days.

Or so the illusion appears .

Camouflaged denial blocking all outside daggered spears.

Guess you could question others & see what they say.

Take notes from all ears .

She was never allowed to get comfortable for the fear of past life, feeding insecurity that breeds no inward or outward acceptance. Life is never kind to some folks , hers a childhood filled with hard moments over important developmental years.

Bethany now scarred into being scared to ever again attempt a scary jump or self renewal . Yet with her feeling of no longer wanting to brew old news ,

But she always fears & remembers like it did In the movie Forest Gump, for it jumped up and bit him unexpectedly on the butt. Bethany's thoughts in the movie takeaway were Disturbed with jealousy in her feeling of wow, it must be nice to have a reason to wake up with a might to believe the fight , which was not her given plight . Life’s not that polite . Yet her eyes she's now willing to wipe.

Bethany focused , through a new wanted proclamation found a redirection, crossing all fingers it led her into sanity's protection.

Knowing her route of brain no longer sain.

Ring , Ring , Ring

A surrender to sound that she’d been working to soften. At least in her expression & normal high pitched nervous voice that usually drew her unwanted attention .

Bethany could see from across the table , a look in Dr.

York’s eyes & shift of sit in her stereotypical dr’s seat , a familiar reel on repeat, with no real end that Bethany could imagine to beat.

You don’t come here because life feels free or like you won a prize, nor really a wanted place to meet .

Dr.York comes highly recommended from everyone back in the fleet.

Not this psychiatrist: Take your money bullshit , “let’s meet every week, ” where Bethany only pays to hear herself speak.

The Dr. knowing better not to interrupt, she let Bethany go on , rather than questioning Dr. York would acknowledge later what she had just said in her subconscious unrecognized tongues slip.

But seeing the Dr’s silent wait , Bethany stopped speaking , thinking ok checkmate .

Then suddenly aware , Bethany couldn’t remember, why or where , obviously she had drifted off to that place that hid her childhood mirrored stare.

Bethany knew she had disappeared again & by the look on Dr. York's face , she wondered how long she’d been gone , had the others come on too strong ?

Bethany wonders when, if ever , they disappear forever ?

Never feeling correctly led , Bethany waited for the next moment to see , was she heard , or will the next of her herd be pushed to the front to confront instead .

A surrender only Bethany’s to invite , one that could help the emotional explosions.

If she could just acknowledge how much she already survived,she could leave them behind & thrive.

But still the ring brings the pendulum to its ultimate swing.

Dr. York whispers “ The ring might always be , you just have to look past the voices to really see ….”

Will Bethany ever be able to choose to arrive solo or always give into their empty bribes with no hope but filled sorrow.

Forfeiting any of life’s offerings.

Always setting herself aside.

Believing being alone is still a life that’s alive .

Pushing everyone aside, at this rate her biggest wish to be a bride will surely never arrive.

“ Will this unbearable hollow change tomorrow , or , do I continue & leave it to discuss next time we speak? Not really sure everyone’s at the table to conceive what you want us to receive .” Bethany muttered despite the defeat under her breath.

An understood but never mentioned discretion from Bethany’s previous session . Only pretending perfection for others' affection. Not worried about her lack of emotional protection. No perspective, only a boomerang of others mirrored perception . Better stop then start the group’s corralled opinion of unwanted projection or forced direction. Lacking ultimately in her ability to any kind of intimate resurrection .

Dr. York tries to perceive all that Bethany believes in her self explained “company”

What she says are, recipients who never leave .

Same same but different.

Each of them prefers to be addressed singularly, their relentless relationships created out of perpetual need .

Bethany’s way of stopping the bleed .

When it’s time , You never know….

Which one will stand up ,let's see, this time who she’ll pretend to be .

“ Temporary sanity or infinite insanity, which do you prefer, what would feel better ? “ The Dr.asks her

Bethany replies , neither , she says “feel in her grasp , either a slow burn or quick stab.”

Inside her notepad Dr. York writes , truth be told both carry a battle that will snag .

Her lingering only amplifies a detrimental feed.

Like a mutt , invented from no high quality breeds.

Regardless they were made in necessity for Bethany's day to day to succeed.

Or so she believed.

Yet the voices of noise in her head consistently Continue to impede .

So loud it’s hard for her to differentiate, who’s who , from me & not we .

Or for Bethany to remember , take a moment , try to see beyond tragedies weeds.

Dr.York says to her ,” it’s ok to breathe , not every ring is meant for them to be set free . “

“The cage they create , only you hold the key .”

Bethany’s overwhelming anxiety bred them for her protection, a creation aimed in the opposite direction then reflection.

Days of sleep , deep darkness,that she can only explain to be like a lucid dream.

Always late .

Ring , Ring , Ring

Like a church bell sooner or later , destined to sing.

She describes feeling in a fog , wondering between realities, dancing for balance on a sunken hollowed log .

Next Dr.York asks her for trust .

She wants to hypnotize Bethany to get into her subconscious minds blog.

Listen to the , 1, 2 , 3 , breathe into sleep & let it ….

Ring . Ring. Ring …..

Thank god Carlos on cue , being his usual selfless clutch , In tow He carries her favorite brew , always the right touch .

Calm & collected.

Flawlessly on point , being centered when Bethany balms , she leaves him in charge , when she no longer chooses to lead her own march.

He’s her favorite , created so she didn’t die or lie her way to a ditch with no pride.

Helping her pretend she has an effortless stride.

Takes a village to keep Bethany alive .

Third person a prominent way spoken inside.

Ring , Ring , Ring

The sound of a familiar gathering.

Feeling destined to be blind .

Why not resign .. Or surrender to something new , a thought that’s possible. One to bring alive she’ll have to actually live through. Bethany thinks , I just have to keep telling myself & believe I can run through the storm like buffalo , leaving the cowardly cows behind . Bethany thinks , “I just have to keep telling myself it's possible not just for others , I'm not meant to be left behind .

Lying on the couch, it begins to engulf her like the sea. Dr. York distant voice, keeping her comfort as Bethany sinks to space challenging her minds brink. Bethany felt a sense of understanding., sense of being awake, though she knew she was in a hypnotized sleep.

Ring , Ring , Ring

The blind leading the blind .

Down to hang , at a moment’s notice , gang gang .

The fun in this company game where no one gains , is that there is no blame.

No need to mention or highlight At this moment Bethany’s chapter labeled on shame.

Ring, Ring , Ring

Like music to Stacey’s ears , she loves to show up grinning from ear to ear .

The sound Heats her Tongue , adding friction , like embers blowing to keep the flame , a slithery snake she’s quick to bite

Not a pretty strike.

Even in the day it's hard to see the barbed wire she lays , you’ll never have a chance , especially at night , Something about her you know just ain't right .

She never tires , favorite pastime to conspire .

Watch what you say , for play , so slippery , she comes across sleek , but really likes to prey On others' when weak.

Be prepared Stacey's biggest pet peeve is someone who’s insecure & meek

Not a chameleon , a natural born liar .

Never late to accept an invitation from an insecure mate , careful when you ask her out on a date .

When Stacey shows up Bethany will definitely be late.

Ring , Ring , Ring

A Different state of arrival every time the bell begins to ding .

Exhaustion sets in .

Rhonda’s grabs the backpack , better believe she brought a snack pack

She always makes you feel like your all friends , besties till the end .

There with the variety pack , prepared for any burden to sack or bare ,

pushing her way through so Bethany doesn’t have to see the others stare.

Also Rhonda gambles with life like truth or dare .

Getting ready for that snared glare .

Meant to withstand the damage that was given by others dysfunctional tares.

No waiting to be picked or ask if she can play , she was born to slay , ready for her day.

An internal compass with fear speared wings.

There it goes again .

Ring , Ring , Ring

“ No surprise we’re late.”

But wait….

Is that the first time she used the word “we.”

Normally Bethany refuses the word , not wanting to actually recognize what she could be or believe what’s really there to see.

“ Why point fingers at whose fault it is .”

Bethany no longer wanted to think.

Nobody notices the difference anyway ,

Just jokes made at her expense., never really able to feel free.

Just an expected topic at this point.

What works in her demons favor, nobody looking deep enough to see.

A couple drinks in , they never pay attention to who is present.

Never mind the intricate details of Bethany or ask how she must be .

Ring , Ring , Ring

Bethany was gonna be fine , till Stacy showed up.

Making her doubt the outfit she picked actually didn’t fit perfectly

Looking in the mirror, the ring ring , knowing better than to think walking out the door confident would be something easy.

Trying to ignore…..

Bethany could hear a voice , off in the distance, “close your eyes “

hoping when she opened them, they would be a new song to sing.

Ssshhhh a sound escaped ,

quite i can barely hear ,A whisper .

Yet the mind pays no mind ,

The dead stare that awaits Bethany , the reaction a frozen glare .

Look at yourself, she says laughing at me.

Is that what you’re going to wear?.

Better change or we’ll be late.

A tone that sounds the ring ,

, in fear of Stacey’s berate , slight but with mite .

Better to just agree, Bethany is already late & wont win this fight obviously

Running out, she trips and Carlos immediately opens the door for her , rifled from Stacy‘s intrusion behind her yelling the whole way, relishing Bethany and all of her dismay.

Stumbling hoping for ultimate silence inside .

Carlos is there to help bring her balance.

Thankfully helping so she could gain her step,

He always shows up at the right time in his strength, ready for any length he needs to stretch , for he was built from the trench .

Never a single step or a minute too late.

One for the other, tag this time he’s it .

Which is better?

This trade always feels right , even if it’s from a moment of flight .

Carlos knows how to drive this car, this route, at least just for a moment, I’m trying not to be late , no feeling right or left tonight.

Bethany just sits aside while he runs through the lights.

Arriving in the back, a sudden jerk to sit up.

Bethany recognizes, Dr.Yorks voice “don’t regress “

no room to pass out now or be passed up all across town.

“Breathe in , it’s never too late.”

Not every runner speeds out the gate.

Ring. Ring.. Ring

Rhonda opens the door with the swing.

We’re late, but don’t worry about a thing.

Pushing past all the voices, so only hers is the one that can be heard .

Knowing when it’s time , the smartest of the chaotic heard .

Eager , but knowing when it’s her turn , stronger than just any other imaginable being.

In Bethany’s circus she is the master of rings for a reason , no matter the season.

Never startled by being late , a stance so strong most men don’t try to challenge or dare debate

Never the awkward presence of someone fidgeting. Confident ,Rhonda always knows what to do with their hands & exactly how to stand .

Making everyone else feel they were the ones who were late ,

She is the prey , everyone else her bait.

There it is again ,but different this time more like a telephone Ring that you can hear in a different room .

Distant.

Is this even real?

It feels like a dream.

Somewhere off in the distance.

Ring . Ring. Ring

I hear the voice outside my head saying

One. Two .Three .

Lower your breathing , now came back to me.

Bethany, do hear my voice , slowly open your eyes .

It’s time now that you are the only one responding to me.

“ Yes Dr.York , I hear you & promise it’s just me .”

“How many of my personalities were here this time speaking as me ?”

“Do you see my problem now?”

“I told you it’s not me or my fault , they become we & make me late inevitably.”

“Not sure I’ll ever be on time with them, cursed for being last to arrive , forever going to have to apologize“

“I’m sorry , I’m late “ .

“Dr. York, can you help me or is it just Destiny to be?”

“Time never feels controlled by me.” Bethany continues

“Also, Thomas noticed you were the one late today, not me.”

“Guess I’m late, you’re late. We’re both late.”

“Or is time another chain that suffocates the feeling to be free?”

“Keeping me from being me?“

“Least that's what everybody inside my head says to me .“

Ring , Ring , Ring

Here comes Roy , he’s the scary one , he killed Joy & threatens faith , usually silencing her with the corner man’s dope , similar to a knife at your throat.

How many different characters created can there really be swimming through one person's ptsd , can this really be .

Too many to count today & looky there what a surprise , you know what they say , “jokes on me .”

This session went over our slotted time , maybe it’s just meant to be ,gonna be late for my next appointment.

Well fuck me .

Where’s Rhonda , I got places to be .