Dear Future Me Hopefully

Dear future me,

Hopefully, you are reading this. The way life is going right now, I'm scared you may have already made your own peace.

Today was hard. Not in the sense that anything particularly bad happened, but rather that the weight of life felt heavier. Maybe it is always this heavy, but my awareness was more acute. Either way, the burden I carry which normally only constitutes a minor inconvenience, today threatened to crush me.

The simplest task, like getting out of bed, was a mountain that required the full force of my will to climb. Smiling was beyond me. There wasn’t a snowball’s chance in hell that I would be awake in time to exercise. As for applying myself at work? Out of the question. How could I focus on any of those things when I needed every ounce of my energy to keep from sinking into a pit of existential dread?

From the moment I left the safety of my dreams, the haunting began. Regretful memories swarmed me like so many mosquitos on a summer day. Whispers of self-doubt ceaselessly attacked me, meticulously aimed needles that pierced the chinks of insecurity in my suit of ego armor.

“You’re a fraud.”

“You’re all alone.”

“No one loves you.”

“You don’t even love yourself.”

Why do I have these thoughts? Is this how I really feel? Is my psyche trying to tell me something? When I really look inward, I know the answers. I know important questions are begging to be asked, but I bury them. I know I have certain truths that scream to be heard, but I stifle them.

Here, with you, I will share some of these thoughts and questions for the first time. I’m disappointed with my life. How did I end up working a job that means nothing to me? Why am I so uninspired? What am I passionate about? I guess I am writing to you in hopes to answer these questions. Or at least, to pose the questions. Maybe asking the questions will drive me to find the answers.

I know I said I was scared you made your peace, but to be honest, days like today make me feel less scared. Instead, scary in its own way, the idea of peace starts to sound welcoming. Like when you come home from a week of camp and your mom is waiting for you with her arms outstretched and ready to engulf you in a loving embrace. No worries or stress or disappointments or regrets. Just love and peace.

God, I miss you, mom.

I could see you again. I wouldn't have to bear the weight of missing you anymore. I wouldn't have to shoulder the pain of everyone I have lost or suffer the guilt from everyone I have hurt. I could escape my ocean of negative karma. Put an end to the constant waves crashing against me. Escape the torrent of "remember what you did?" or "who could ever love you” or “you are not enough” that is slowly eroding my will to live. No difficult questions to consider, no impending life changes. Peace.

Would this really be peace or is that another lie? I know these feelings are opportunistic. I know they lurk in the shadows, patiently building their strength and waiting for a particularly bad day to strike. So even now, as I write this, I am forcing myself to wonder what could be. Will the answers to these questions drive this nagging emptiness away?

Does my past or my present define my future? Or can the future be brighter? I must admit, this question stirred emotion deep in my chest. As if the core of my being is answering the question for me. “Yes! it doesn’t have to be this way!” I think the feeling is excitement.

No. Excitement is there, but that isn’t all. There’s a light feeling beaming from my heart. I can distinctly feel it and the more I feel it, the more it grows. I feel lighter. I feel physically lighter. Hold on, I need to move.

Wow! The tension from my shoulders and neck has melted away and I have more of a bounce in my step. I can breathe. The crushing weight I felt all day has been lifted. But that isn’t all. I don’t just feel physically different. There’s something else that’s harder to explain. Like my attitude has shifted. I think I know how to describe it! I feel brighter. Hopeful.

And as I acknowledge it, I feel the excitement spread from my chest down to my toes and up through my head. I thought this was impossible today, but I’m smiling. From ear to ear, I’m smiling. This hope is too much for just me so I will share it here with you.

Hopefully, you are reading this. Hopefully, you have already made your own peace. Hopefully, you found your purpose and your passions. Hopefully, you forgave everyone who hurt you. Hopefully, you learned to love yourself.

I hope and I pray that you broke free of the cycle of pain. That you were able to escape the web of lies the world spun around you and especially those that you whisper to yourself. Have you found a way to stop carrying the doubts, lies, disappointments, and failures? Please tell me you’ve learned to speak your truth.

Writing to you has helped immensely. I’m sorry if this seems like a lot of pressure on you, but don’t worry, you won’t do this alone. Just as you’ve shared my burden, I’ll share yours.

I promise not to leave finding all these answers up to you. I promise, despite the pain and the doubts, I will push forward and forge a path for you. I will search for answers to these questions, and I will make whatever changes are necessary for us to find meaning. Even if it’s difficult. So we can have peace.

Hopefully, you are reading this,

Hopeful me