Insomnia

I can’t sleep. I can’t open my eyes either. I know the first thing I’ll do is look at the clock on the table next to me. The instant I know what time it is, I’m going to start obsessing about how late it is, and I’ll never be able to get to sleep then.

I worm my down further into the sheets. A comfortable sleeping position exists. I found it once. I just can’t find it again.

Maybe I can use my phone without looking at the time. I’ll just browse the internet for a bit. Then I’ll be able to fall back asleep. It was a stressful day. I just need to relax a bit.

I grope around blindly for my phone. 

Wait.

This is a bad idea. I know it's a bad idea. Why is it a bad idea though? The brightness will hurt my eyes.

Well, If the brightness is the only problem, I know how I can solve that. I’ll just open my eyes and get them adjusted to the room and then the phone won’t be as bright. That’s a smart idea.

I slowly peel my eyes open and stare straight up at the ceiling. I’ll just avoid looking at the clock-

Fuck. 

That was a stupid idea.

It’s 4:17 am. If I get to sleep now I can still get 3 hours and 13 minutes of sleep. Well, probably 3 hours and 12 minutes now. 3 hours and 11 minutes now. I can do it. I squeeze my eyes shut. Just fall asleep.

Right… now. 

Right… now.  

Right… now. 

This isn’t working. I may as well see if I have any texts. My arms move around like I'm making a snow angel. Where is my damn phone? No. This is a bad idea. Just try to get to some rest. I’ll just go back to sleep.

Right… now. 

Right.... I know I’ll just count down from 1000. 

999.

998.

997. 

Bzzzzzzz.

What’s that noise? It’s somewhere between a faint shrieking and a high-pitched buzzing. I should ignore the noise. I can ignore the noise. I just need to focus on my breathing and keep counting. Where was I? I’ll start over.

1000.

999.

998.

997.

996.

Bzzzzzzzzzzzz.

The noise is still there. What if there’s something wrong with the apartment? I have to get up and see what’s wrong. 

I fold the heavy comforter over gently, hoping I’ll be back in it’s warm embrace soon. As I walk out of my bedroom, I swing my arms out in front of me. I’m careful not to hit any of the boxes scattered around the apartment, or even worse, the walls. I haven’t learned the layout yet, and don’t quite remember where the light switches are. 

I blindly shuffle my way into the living room. The lights have to be around here somewhere.

My hands drag across the wall until they find what they’re looking for. I brace myself and hit the switch. It’s blindingly painful for a moment. I crack open my bleary eyes and look around for the noise-maker. Everything seems to be in the state of half-unpacked disarray that I left it in. 

Wait. Where did the noise go? I close my eyes again, hoping it’ll somehow enhance my ability to hear. Nothing.

I sway there for a few moments waiting for something to happen. Why is this position so comfortable? Can you sleep standing up?

Something clicks in my half-alert brain. The lights. The noise is electric. It has to be the light bulbs or something. I shuffle back to the light switch and turn it off. 

Silence. 

I flip it back on. 

Silence.

I flip it back off.

Silence. 

I flip back and forth rapidly, thankful of the late hour so my new neighbors don’t assume I’m having a one-person rave in my apartment. I guess turning it off and on again worked somehow. The noise was gone.

Why was turning it off and then on again always the solution? I make my way back to the bed that’s now calling my name.

Exhaustion has returned with a vengeance. 

Once I’m tucked back in, I take a deep sigh of relief. I let the day wash over me and feel myself drifting off. Finally, back to sleep. 

Bzzzzzzzz.

You’ve got to be kidding me.

I don’t bother with gentleness this time as I bicycle kick the covers off and stomp back down the hall into the living room, kicking boxes out of the way as I make my way to the light switch. 

When the light comes on, I shield my face like Dracula from the sun. I even let out a little vampiric hiss. Why is it so bright?

I stand perfectly still, squinting and darting my head around, waiting for my noncorporeal prey to make some noise. There. The buzzing is coming from the kitchen. I slowly start to tip-toe my way closer, so as to not scare it off.

Wait. The noise is gone again. No. I won’t let it escape this time. Not when I was so close to sweet, sweet, silent slumber. The sneaking is over, I power walk to the kitchen, bumping into bags of silverware and food still on the ground.

Despite my eyes burning, as I turn on more lights, I take it all in. Nothing. Where is that damn noise coming from? If it’s electric and not the lights, it must be something connected to an outlet. 

Electric kettle? Off.

Blender? Off.

Instant Pot? Off.

Toaster oven? Off.

Fridge? Bee-free.

I take a deep breath trying to calm my rapidly beating heart. There’s nothing there. Maybe there wasn’t ever anything there. Deep breaths. Moving can be stressful for anyone, no matter how short the move was. Just breathe. 

I make my way back to my bedroom in defeat. Each flick off of the light switch is a reminder that I may be losing my mind. I’m not crazy. Right? It’s just the stress. Sometimes stress can do crazy things to you that make you seem crazier than you actually are.

I try to smooth out my blankets as much as possible as I get back into bed. It’s okay. Now that you know there’s no noise, you can just ignore it. Just relax and try to get back to sleep. 

1000.

999.

998.

997.

996.

Bzzzzzzzzz.

Nope. Not engaging.

995.

994.

993.

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. 

Just ignore it.

995.

Bzzzzzz. 

There’s no noise. Just focus on the counting. 

996.

995.

994

Bzzzz. Bzzzzzz. Chunk chunk. 

That’s a new noise. I wouldn’t make up a new noise if I was losing it. I’ll just go check one more time to make sure everything’s okay. 

At least I’m learning the layout of the apartment as I jump out of bed. If there is a small electric raccoon trapped in my kitchen somewhere, it would be scared by the amount of loud grumblings coming from me. 

I intentionally avoid looking in the long mirror hung on my bedroom door. Seeing myself in whatever state of disarray I'm in won’t help me convince myself of my sanity. 

I barrel towards the kitchen, glaring into the dark with enough intensity to intimidate a medium-sized grizzly bear. I hesitate for a moment, questioning whether or not I’ve gone off the deep end.

That’s all the time it needs. The noise stops again. I’m going to scream to fill this silence.

I won’t let it win. 

I flip the lights on and tower over the inconspicuous-looking appliances, no longer as their master, but their executioner. One by one I unplug them, until all my outlets are barren.  

I take a moment after each one to revel in the power I command. 

Plugged. Unplugged. 

Noise. Silence. 

Life. Death. 

I look at all the desolate landscape in front of me. The small appliances I had spent all morning unpacking and setting up with care now lay before me. Motionless, cords dangling. I feel no pity though, only joy at the quiet tranquility of the late night. 

Making my way back to bed, a calmness rushes over me. I had done it. Nothing prepares you better to fall into sleep than the sweet defeat over one’s auditory enemy. 

Somehow my bed is softer, warmer and more welcoming than before. I can feel myself slowly start to drift off. No counting, no phone, no tossing and turning necessary. Now I need to figure out how I can bottle this feeling so I can get here again on command. But that’s tomorrow’s problem-

Bzzzzzzzz. 

Chunk chunk. 

Bzzzzzzzzzz. 

It’s too late though. I’m too comfortable. I silently accept my defeat. I’ll deal with my impending insanity tomorrow. I'll surrender tonight.

Right…. now.