Sometimes an Elephant is two Drama Students.

CONTAINS PROFANITY. 

“God, just fuck already!”

I turned a reproachful look on Paula, earning me a flash of her famous grin.

“Paula!” I hissed, “what if they heard you?”

She showed off more of those teeth, her lips pulling back like a baboon’s.

“Come off it,” she whispered, “I’m surprised they can even hear each other!”

I returned my gaze to the stage, where Laura and Dennis were busy improvising. Like most of their scenes, this one had turned into a lover’s quarrel, with lots of shouting and angry glares. But, as talented as both were, there was a layer of truth that shone through the artifice.

Dennis’ eyes hadn’t left Laura’s face for the last ten minutes, and he hadn’t blinked once in that time. Laura, for her part, kept fiddling with her hair and looking at the ceiling, which she did to avoid looking down bashfully.

Much as I was loathe to stoop to Paula’s base mentality, I had to agree.

“They really should.”

I wondered what they were thinking.

***

LAURA: I don’t know who you are any more!

He’s so handsome. Why do I keep doing this? This scene could have gone in any direction, but no, romance, again.

DENNIS: Of course you don’t, you’re never here!

How is she so perfect? Every line of her face, the curve of her neck, her lips… Focus, Dennis. Don’t look at her boobs… gah, DON’T look at her boobs.

LAURA: Come on, Luke, that’s not fair.

No more sex with friends, Laura. He’s a good one, he listens, he’s always there, he’s a pretty good actor. He doesn’t stare at your chest. Don’t mess this up.

DENNIS: Life’s unfair! You think that- that just because you have a reason, that makes it easier?

I can’t do this. I shouldn’t do this. I’ll never be enough for her… no, that’s not true, but can I share her? God, I wish I could.

LAURA: It hurts me, too. Being away, not... seeing- not being near you. It hurts.

Remember Craig, remember Jake. No more men, it’s too much hassle. Because women are so much easier? Well, they would be, if I could talk to them. Why is he so handsome?

DENNIS: Oh, well excuuuuse me if I… if I don’t break! -out the violin for you!

She doesn’t even like men. She’s still attracted to them. Not to me, she isn’t. And besides, I really don’t want to ruin this friendship.

LAURA: Now you’re just being cruel!

Well, it wouldn’t be sex with a friend if he’s a boyfriend. What did I just say about men? No! He’s not like them. How would I know? We’ve only been friends for a year.

DENNIS: No, I’m not-

GEORGE [IMPROV TEACHER]: Dennis, remember, ‘yes, and’!

Goodness, there’s a lot of tension between those two! Ah, young love.

DENNIS: Uh, I- you- cruel? Yes, I’m being cruel- cruel to myself!

Shit! Remember the rules, man. Focus! You’re actors, she’s your coworker, the artist you’re collaborating with. Think about the scene, the drama, not how perfect she looks today, about how smart and kind and talented she is, about how much you want to kiss her… fuck.

LAURA: What does that even mean, you lunatic?

That was a pretty good save. Are those tears? Wow! I didn’t know he had it in him… see? I don’t know him at all.

DENNIS: Lunatic? Now who’s being cruel?

It would never work. She doesn’t like you like that, and she’s poly, AND she’s gay. She’s dated- it doesn’t matter if she’s dated men before, she’s not doing that any more.

LAURA: Don’t dodge the question, Dennis!

PAULA: LUKE!

Wow, she really is distracted, LOL.

LAURA: Don’t dodge the question, Luke!

Now I’m slipping up. Maybe he’s gay? I mean, he hasn’t expressed interest in any of the girls, he doesn’t have a girlfriend… but if he’s gay, there’s always Alan. But he’s not said anything about Alan, either, and he doesn’t have a boyfriend… maybe he’s ace?

DENNIS: Staying with you was the worst mistake of my life.

That was weird, she never makes mistakes. Why is she looking at me like that? Does she feel the same way? … No, that can’t be right.

LAURA: … How- how could you say that?

He’s really close. All I have to do is lean in a bit… that’s nuts, c’mon Laura, get it together.

DENNIS: Because it’s the truth. I only have one thing to say to you-

I love you.

LAURA: Say it.

I love you.

DENNIS: I hate you. I’ve hated you for a long time.

But-

LAURA: … Then I guess it’s over.

-it would never work.

***

“And scene!”

The clap of George’s hands broke the enchantment, startling we entranced spectators back into simple classmates. We all gave a round of enthusiastic applause, the performing pair receiving it as was their separate habits. Laura, with flourishing bow and wide smile, Dennis with shuffling feet and a grimace half-proud, half-embarrassed.

“Tough act to follow, eh?”

I fixed Paula with my most withering look, which of course only encouraged her. I was up next, with the youngest and, at times, most brilliant performer of the group: Georgina.

“I think you’ll find we are quite fine,” I trilled. “It’s for you, Paula, that I feel the most pity.”

She clutched her chest in mock pain.

“Touché,” she whisper-cried, “Oh, how you strike at my heart!”

I rolled my eyes. Drama was to be expected of drama students.

“Watch and learn, darling,” I said, rising, “watch and learn.”

***

DENNIS: It was great working with you today, Laura.

[Stage] It is late in the day. The sun dips down over the horizon, painting the sky in the colours of passion. DENNIS stands in the doorway, leaning on the frame. He is attempting to be casual, but his sweat gives him away. LAURA approaches from stage left, searching through her bag.

LAURA: [stops and looks up] Oh, hi Dennis.

[Stage] She fishes out her keys, fiddling with them as the scene goes on.

LAURA: Yeah, it was a good scene. You were great. [she looks down] I, on the other hand…

DENNIS: [loud] HEY! [steps away from the door frame, stands in front of LAURA] Don’t be down on yourself! You were perfect!

[Stage] Laura looks up at him, a sardonic half-smile on her face.

LAURA: Perfect. Riiiiight.

DENNIS: [looking her deep in the eyes] You were perfect.

[Stage] His hands twitch, as if longing to take her by the shoulders but not daring to initiate physical contact. She is unsure, struggling to meet his intense gaze.

LAURA: Really?

[Stage] DENNIS nods gravely.

DENNIS: Yes.

LAURA: But I messed-

[Stage] LAURA stops as DENNIS shakes his head vigorously.

DENNIS: Doesn’t matter.

LAURA: But-

[Stage] DENNIS takes the plunge, grabbing LAURA’S free hand in both of his.

DENNIS: Doesn’t matter.

[Stage] BOTH hold for a moment, then BOTH look away, embarrassed. DENNIS releases LAURA’S hand.

LAURA: [clears throat] I have to go now-

DENNIS: [jokingly] Your planet needs you?

LAURA: [smiles] Something like that.

Scene.

***

Laura got home at about six. By that time, it was dark. As she pulled off her shoes and plunked down her stuff, Lily bounded into view.

“Hiya, sweetcheeks!” she bubbled.

Laura smiled. No matter how tired she was, Lily never failed to get her energy up.

“Hey, babe,” she replied, as she was pulled into a hug.

Lily kissed on the cheek with an exaggerated, ‘MWAH!’

“How was your day?” she asked, leaning back to look Laura in the eye.

“Good,” she said, “class was good. Finally finished that report for work, so John’s off my back.”

“That’s good to hear!” Lily said. “I had a fantastic day, myself.”

Laura looked to her left, surveying the living room. It was somehow both fantastically tidy and filled with her girlfriend’s latest art.

“… I see that.”

Lily relinquished her grip, stepping back and putting hands on hips.

“Now what’s the matter with you?” she demanded.

“What?” Laura said, eyes widening.

“You seem… I don’t know, grumpy or something.” Lily said. She peered at Laura, rubbing a thumb across her lip. “And your makeup’s smudged-” it was her eye’s turn to widen “-you finally kissed that boy!”

“What? No…”

“You kissed that boy, and it didn’t go well.” Lily’s expression dropped to one of sympathy. “Oh, honey, I’m sorry.”

She pulled Laura in for a kiss before she could protest. Laura relaxed, rolling her eyes. Lily was new to the poly scene, and was maybe a bit too enthusiastic about her wider love life. But enthusiasm was something Laura needed in her life, and she loved Lily’s. It was so nice to be reminded that, yes, some people did like her. No, she wasn’t predatory, her attraction wasn’t perverse. Still, better to tell her the truth.

“I didn’t kiss him,” she said, when Lily finally let her up for air, “I’m just tired. Sorry if I’m a bit grumpy.”

Lily raised one eyebrow, sweeping a searching gaze across Laura’s face.

“Okey-dokey, I forgive you,” she said.

“Are these new?” Laura asked, stepping into the living room and picking up a canvas.

It was a scene of two women locked in an embrace- or maybe they were fighting. The work was rough, paint only barely covering the sketchy pencil lines.

“Yep!” Lily piped, launching into an explanation.

As she listened to her girlfriend speaking, she put Dennis out of her mind as much as she could. But in the back of her head there was a little nagging question, one that Lily had put there.

What if I did kiss him?

***

Dennis’s room was a drama student’s room; that is to say, messy. He slunk in, an alley cat sliding into a cardboard box. It was chaos, but it was his chaos. He threw himself onto the bed, the only clear surface, and pulled out his phone.

He wasn’t particularly hungry, just tired, but he perused local delivery places anyway. The options on display were all great, but he just couldn’t decide. Pizza, Wings, Mac’n’Cheese, Thai, Indian, Mexican, he liked them all, but none were appealing right now.

Unbidden, an image of Laura surfaced in his mind. She’d be tasty, he’d like to eat her out.

He closed his eyes and slammed his phone into the bed.

That’s disgusting, he thought, pressing his wrists into his closed eyes, what the fuck, Dennis?

Sometimes it felt like there were two people living in his head: him, and a sex pest. He was restrained, quiet, he liked to think a bit sophisticated. The sex pest was an intruder that insisted on twisting every interaction with any even mildly attractive person into dumb, horny trash.

She’s got a nice ass, the sex pest would think, or, check out the pecs on that guy!, or, huh, they’re kinda cute.

Lately, it had been consumed with one overwhelmingly insistent phrase: kiss her kiss her kiss her kiss her kiss her…

He’d been stuck with it every time he talked to Laura, when they sat down on the green room couch together, when they got lunch, when she got out of the car, when they were doing a scene…

Wow, we spend a lot of time together, he realised.

Maybe you should kiss her, then, the sex pest intruded.

“Ugh, shut up!” Dennis yelled.

Sometimes, he was glad that he lived alone. Whenever the loneliness didn’t weigh on him, and/or he wanted to shout random things at his inner self. Because as much as he might want the sex pest to be someone else, some alien intruding on his thoughts, he knew deep down that it was really just him.

He sighed. He hated being a man. He knew that women felt lust too, and that it must be just as annoying, but at least they weren’t expected to act on it. It felt like everyone he talked to was wary of him, like he was going to suddenly leer at them and make a crude remark. Especially women. Not that he could blame them. He’d seen how other men acted.

That doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to be happy.

That must have been the sex pest talking, because it didn’t sound like himself. He sighed, and ordered pizza.

***

I knew Paula was plotting something, not because she wore an evil grin, but specifically because she was utterly po-faced.

“What are you up to?” I enquired.

“Nothing,” she smirked.

I simply stared at her until she broke out in fits of giggles.

“Paula, you little minx, what did you do?”

There was the mischief. All writ in pearly whites.

“Oh, I just made a teensy-” she measured a small space with thumb and forefinger “-tiny, little… suggestion, to George.”

“A suggestion?” demanded I, “what kind of-”

“Morning everyone!”

The devil, spoken of, appeared. He jaunted across the room with his usual joi-de-vivre and threw down his affects with abandon.

“Right-” said he, turning to face us “-I’ve heard a marvellous suggestion, from our Paula, that I’d like to sound out!”

I gave Paula a quizzical look, but she just stuck her tongue out at me.

“How’d you all feel-” George began, beaming like the sun “-about some kissing practice?”

***

[Stage] The class burbles and bustles about, discussing the idea, before agreeing. PAULA stands.

PAULA: I think Dennis and Laura should go first!

[Stage] ALAN can be seen rolling his eyes. DENNIS and LAURA are pushed to the front. NEITHER protests, but BOTH are blushing furiously.

GEORGE: [grinning] Splendid idea, Paula. [he looks between the two] If you both are all right with that? You should be, all the romance scenes you do! [laughs]

[Stage] BOTH look at each other, then nod slowly.

LAURA: I’m okay with it.

DENNIS: Me, too.

[Stage] They take the stage, to thunderous applause.

GEORGE: “All right, you two!” he says, “show me what you think a kiss looks like!”

[Stage] Dennis looked into Laura’s eyes, his heart pounding. She can’t believe this is happening. Dennis takes her hands in his.

PAULA: “Come on, what’s the hold up!”

Alan elbows her.

ALAN: “Shush,” he says.

Laura and Dennis stare at each other. Their mouths are dry, and they are listing all the reasons why it won’t work between them, picturing how the relationship will fall apart, how they’ll lose the friendship they both value so much. But they also know that if they kiss now, none of that will matter.

DENNIS: [whispered] “I don’t want to regret this.”

Laura leans in a little closer.

LAURA: [low and husky] “Me neither,” she says, “but I think we’ll regret it either way.”

She looks up into his eyes.

DENNIS: “I like you-”

The words barely make it out, the young man’s throat closing, as if his body is trying to stop him saying them.

LAURA: [knowing that she’ll regret it] “… me too.”

The kiss is like fire. No acting needed here, they melt together, clasped to each other like they’re trying to weld themselves into one. They pull away for the briefest second.

DENNIS: “Let’s be happy first,” he proposes, “at least for a bit.”

LAURA: “Definitely.”

Fin, au moins pour maintenant.