Why am I here?

I jumped in puddles, danced in the rain, was swept up by streams and enveloped in others screams and yet after everything I still wished to be loved. No matter how lonely I was. No matter how much I hurt. My vision went blurry. I held my head in my hands when I looked up I saw people retreating, and my hands, my hands had blood on them. It felt like I was falling. But, I couldn’t. I had to get home. My left foot slid on the ground, I threw it infront of me, steady, slow. I took my right foot and landed it in another puddle. The murky water splashed onto my glasses, great, just great. I staggered, grabbing onto shrubs and trees after what felt like forever I made my way to the street sign I was so familiar with. I faltered, falling into the sign like it was my solid bed. The sign didn’t catch me though. I fell hard, landing in the small patch of grass surrounding the sign. Rolling over, I looked up. The sky got greyer, and my vision clouded it even more. I grasped at the blades of grass surrounding me as if it was the only thing I could hold. As the rain poured harder I remembered, I had to get home. I had a purpose, something I had to do. And it wasn’t here. I leaned forward and grabbed onto the pole planting my feet against the base. I used all the upper body strength I had to lift myself up. I was face to face with this rusted sign. My heartbeat was so aggressive, I could hear it, and it scared me. How could something that proved I was alive scare me so much? I needed to get out of my head. To focus, focus on, on . . . glancing up at the sign made it come back to me, oh right, I need to go home. I couldn’t see very well, at this point my glasses became useless. With the writhing breaths contained left in my stagnantly beating heart, I started to run. As I ran it rained harder, I felt myself slipping and yet I couldn’t stop, because I had to get there. I arrived at the steps with no energy left. So I crawled. Barely missing splinters I made it to the door. My full weight fell onto it shattering the sound of rain. The front door was opened to silence. I could hear the soft thudding of feet slapping against the tile but it stopped. The rain in the background made me question if there were any footsteps at all? There was something else though, a fast, shallow breathing pattern, something around the corner, hidden from sight, was trying to catch its breath. And I wasn’t going to let it. I slid around the corner and came face to face with . . . Oh, wait, this is who I came here for. “Lilith, I- I am so sorry. Did I scare you?” She started crying, hard, almost matching the rhythm of the downpour. “Oh-”, my head started throbbing, reminding me it was still there. She came closer to me and took off my glasses, I watched as she reached down to the hem of her shirt and wiped them off for me. 

“I know, you were at school.” She muttered. “But it’s been hours since you got out, and, . . . and I’m all alone here.” As she handed me back my glasses I felt myself tear up. 

“Are you ok? No one came in here?” Lilith hesitated.

“Just dad.” 

“Not him.” I sighed and leaned back on the counter. 

“You’re bleeding June.” Well, it is probably more dried now.

“Come on then, I need a nurse.” Lilith ran to the front door and closed it then trailed behind my heels. I looked into my reflection and boy, did I look awful. After wiping everything off I determined it wasn’t too deep and Lilith decided it needed a band-aid and a kiss. We walked back into the living room and I picked her up and took her into her bedroom. It’s safe in there, no windows, so it was perfect to keep the cold out. Her bed had a couple of pink comforters and her stuffed panda. A few cracks in the walls here and there but nothing major. Plus she had an electric heater so she could stay warm. I put her down and ran to the kitchen getting her some food. After she was all set in her room I had to go check the rest of the house. I needed to know who Lilith thought was here, because it couldn’t have been dad. He died 4 months ago. I took a flashlight and went upstairs, no one was paying the electricity bill anymore, battery powered things, that's what we’ve been using. The stairs creaked, something normal that happened and I got quite used to happening, although it was much more unsettling in this context. I took a deep breath and looked around the corner. The hall was empty. What else was I expecting? Then I felt a chill in the air, it made my eyes linger to the end of the hall. I thought I closed all the windows up here? I stalked, slowly, making my way to the first room. I looked in and saw the room I used to occupy, light purple walls, posters of people I thought mattered at one point, and an old rickety bed. Not like I get any sleep these days. I kept walking, making it to the second room I peaked in. It had an old crib, with birds hanging above it, they were motionless. There was also an old rocking chair in the corner with a teddy bear, and a changing table, covered in dust. I made it to the last room and looked in. It was my parents' old room. I saw the open window and sighed in relief. I hate taking a walk down memory lane. I went over and looked outside, the swings in our backyard couldn’t stop swaying from the wind. Suddenly, Slam, the window shut on its own. I turned around but there was nothing. I am so done with today, I walked back down the hall and at the top of the stairs I heard a whisper say, ‘I didn’t mean to’ and I fell, hard, as if I was being thrown. But no, I tripped, there was nothing to push me or throw me. I jutted my arms out, ending up saving my head from further injury. Then I heard, . .  laughing? I staggered over to Lilith’s room, she was giggling with this big toothy grin on her face, and, and dad was next to her, holding up her panda swaying it back and forth pretending to make it dance. I couldn’t comprehend what was happening. “Dad? I thought-”

“Oh Juney! Missed you sweety, we both did!”

“Dad you’re, . . . Lilith! Can you come here please?”

“Don’t worry, I’m not crazy, daddy just died.” Lilith’s smile didn’t cease. “Glad you made it here though!”

“I’ve been here dad, you’re the one that died.”

“I wasn’t the only one, and I don’t blame you, taking care of a kid is hard work Juney.”

“I mean, yeah it is, but Lilith is fine, look she’s fine.”

“She’s dead June.”

“No! She’s right there!”

“And so am I. June, . . . you were never able to make it home.” My heart started beating slower, and slower. Almost to the point where I couldn’t tell if it was moving. 

“But Lilith, she-.”

“She was home, waiting for me, your mom, and your brother to get back home after we went out that day.” 

“But you guys crashed.”

“Yes, we did. That day you were walking home and got bullied and beaten. You tried, but after you were so badly hurt. You weren’t able to get back up. Poor Lilith was home alone. A 3 year old with nothing to eat doesn’t have a great outcome being alone and all.”

“I- I killed her.”

“No, you couldn’t even save yourself, how could you save her?” 

I collapsed onto the ground. I hugged my knees and cried. How could I be so weak? After a while I looked up and noticed I was alone. I have nothing. Even in death, why must I be alone?