Injustice

"I'm afraid I can't do anything for you Miss."

‘I’m afraid I can’t do anything for you Miss.’ Those words will scar me forever. They’ve scarred my mind and my entire being. I will forever remember the way those words made me feel.

‘I’m afraid I can’t do anything for you Miss.’ That's all I can think about. My heart is pounding. So much that I think it's going to beat out of my chest. Both out of fear and out of anger. I can feel it trying to scratch, bite, tear through my flesh from the inside out. Just to scream and yell at the woman sitting in front of me. Scarring my insides with proof of my experience. My heart is still locked in its cage of flesh when I speak up.

‘I’m afraid I can’t do anything for you Miss.’ They’re just repeating. “Are you kidding me? My life was on the line that night, and now I'm being told that they aren't going to get consequences?! I need this! Please!" I’m not even trying to hide the sorrow in my voice. I feel bad for yelling at her but I’m being filled with so much hatred.

‘I’m afraid I can’t do anything for you Miss.’ Those words are everything now. "I know, and we tried. We looked and found no evidence. I am so very sorry, but we just can't do anything."

‘I’m afraid I can’t do anything for you Miss.’ She can't be serious. She wasn't there. She didn't go through the pain of them forcing me. Forcing themselves onto my everything. Touching me in the places we consider sacred. I'll never be the same. I'll never trust again. I'll never go out alone again. I'll never be alone with someone again. All because they couldn't keep their hands to themselves.

‘I’m afraid I can’t do anything for you Miss.’ I can’t live like this. “What about the bruises on my legs? Aren’t they enough evidence?” I try to hide the anger in my voice but it's still there and I know it. She knows it.

‘I’m afraid I can’t do anything for you Miss.’ The more she speaks, the more I want to rip this room and the entire world apart. “Bruises can come from a variety of things. It does show violence but it could be from yourself or-.” She says it like she thinks that I’m lying.

‘I’m afraid I can’t do anything for you Miss.’ I have to know if she thinks I would lie about this. “So what are you implying? That I’m lying?” The anger is presenting itself more and more in my voice.

‘I’m afraid I can’t do anything for you Miss.’ “Miss Jocelyn, we have three witnesses that stand by the fact that it was consensual. That you implied it and that you asked for it. It’s their word against yours.” 

‘I’m afraid I can’t do anything for you Miss.’ She does think I'm lying. How could she do that.? “I’m not lying for God’s sake! I was forced! You are going to take their word and their friend's word against the person that it happened to?!”

‘I’m afraid I can’t do anything for you Miss.’ Those words won’t leave my head. I start to cry but I wipe my tears off my face quickly. There is no way that I am letting her see me be vulnerable after she just declined my case. “I am truly sorry. But if we let you go into that trial, the defense will bring up the lack of evidence and the witness who stood by your suspects.”

‘I’m afraid I can’t do anything for you Miss.’ She’s on their side. When she speaks her voice is still calm but a bit more firm now. She’s trying to speak to me and get me to understand. She’s trying to calm me down but it's obviously not working. My tears start to fall more rapidly now. They continue to stream down my face. I can’t stop them this time. They fall and fall. I look down to hide a bit more of them but she can already tell that I am crying. “If you continue your therapy, I believe you can start to heal.”

‘I’m afraid I can’t do anything for you Miss.’ Does she really think that I can do that? After what they put me through? After what she’s putting me through? I don’t think so. “Start to heal? I go to school with those guys. I share classes with them. I’m in study groups with them. I cheer with their sisters. Our parents are friends. You think that I can heal while locked up in my room hiding from them all. Or from going out and having to face them all?” My voice is raspy and dry. “You’ll have to find out on your own, Jocelyn.” I stare at her in disbelief. She is supposed to be helping me figure this out and now she is just going to tell me that I can heal but won’t tell me how. I can’t believe she trusts guys who forced themselves on someone.

‘I’m afraid I can’t do anything for you Miss.’ The words are still ringing in my ears. I can’t be here with her anymore. It’s too cold and I don’t have a jacket. I have chills on my arms and I hate it. I can’t breathe well and I need to leave. 

‘I’m afraid I can’t do anything for you Miss.’ My parents would hate to hear about what she said. So much that I really don’t want to tell them. They have been sitting outside for a while. They are going to wonder what is taking so long. My mom offered to come in with me but I told her that they could just sit in the waiting room because I didn’t think it would take long. 

‘I’m afraid I can’t do anything for you Miss.’ I tear my eyes away from her and focus on leaving. I push up on the armrests that are attached to the chair that I was just seated in. I wince from my wrist, which was jammed when I was pushed onto the ground by him. When I stand, I feel a sharp pain in my ankle from when it was twisted from falling backwards because of him. I mumble a quiet 'fuck you' to the woman who is rising from her chair.

‘I’m afraid I can’t do anything for you Miss.’ As I walk out of the room, I start to hear my parent’s voices mixed with other strangers' voices. What’s worse about this situation is that I would have never found being in a room with random people terrifying, but now everything has changed. I’m scared to walk by someone from school. I’m scared to be around a male who isn’t my dad. These guys ruined everything for me, and they don’t even own up to it. They decline any responsibility for them ruining me. Ruining my life, my trust, my friendships, and everything else. I never want to see them again. If I do see them, I don’t know what I would do. I would probably get worse.

‘I’m afraid I can’t do anything for you Miss.’ It's really getting annoying now. I walk around the corner, placing one foot in front of the other. My mom sees me immediately and jumps up to quickly walk over to me. She has this worried look on her face. She has had that look for the last couple of days because of me. Because of this situation, she has been so stressed lately. 

‘I’m afraid I can’t do anything for you Miss.’ As we walk out of the building, my ankle starts to hurt more. My eyes are stinging and they’re red. I haven’t been sleeping well. I can’t, everytime I do they stand in front of me in my nightmares. Tormenting me all over again. Every step that I continue to take, the words replay. Over and over again. Like they’re a record on repeat. Ruining my life. ‘I’m afraid I can’t do anything for you Miss.’