Kaleidoscope

Trini felt something blocking her throat and mouth and coughed while she opened her eyes and saw the numbers 1:58 on the wall. Staying still, she wondered where all the people were and why they left her. She then removed the thing inside her mouth and, coming into full consciousness, she looked at her surroundings, realizing that the number on the wall is the time.

It felt like seconds, but it’s been six hours; she remembers being led to a cold, brightly lit room, being met by people with face masks and fully clad in blue covering from their head to toe. She wanted to say something but couldn’t. She tried to run away and go home but could not move. The man in charge inspected her, saw her silver ring, the ring she never took off since the day she got it, asked one of the assistants to remove it. Trini wanted to protest, “No, don’t take my ring!” but there was nothing she could do while the assistant frantically tried to yank the ring off. That was the last thing Trini remembered. 

A man came over when he saw Trini was wide awake, inspected her, handed back her ring, said something, and then left again. Slightly numb, Trini did not move, thinking about what the man just said ("You had an open surgery, stay still"). She felt a kaleidoscope of emotions whirling inside her. She wanted to cry, but there were no tears. Instead, she felt relief, but with a tinge of disappointment, a feeling she couldn’t describe. Perhaps she should consult John Koenig’s Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows to find that word which describes how she felt, Trini thought. 

Tracing back the events that led to this day, Trini fell asleep once more.

Day 1, October 31st: The Consultation

Trini went to see a doctor, her first time ever to see one for consultation. She’s never been fond of doctors, hospitals, syringes, and anything that resembles them. Her hospital visits were rare, only to see a few close friends who were previously hospitalized. There’s something about hospitals that made her view them as a place of pain and sadness.

The diagnosis was confirmed. She needed to undergo major surgery. Although it wasn’t an emergency, it is something that she can’t do away with. The doctor advised Trini to think it over and let the doctor know of her decision as soon as possible.

The Diagnosis: Multiple uterine fibroids, with a large one growing in a complex position.

The Procedure: Trini would have to undergo a total hysterectomy. All her internal female reproductive organs will be removed. Everything that makes her a woman.

Trini is single so all hopes of ever conceiving a child will be gone after this procedure.

Trini thought, will I still be “whole” after this? This triggered the kaleidoscope of emotions and an indescribable feeling of obscure sorrows.

The first doctor she went to informed her that it will be an abdominal surgery, very similar to a c-section. Because she has a low tolerance for physical pain, Trini looked for options and was referred to a doctor who specializes in gynecological laparoscopy and robotic surgery, a minimally invasive form of surgery that offers smaller incisions and faster healing. The doctor assured her that they can remove the fibroids via laparoscopic hysterectomy, instead of a full abdominal hysterectomy.

After the laboratory tests and other preparations, the doctor informed Trini has anemia and would need a blood transfusion before the doctor can proceed with the surgery. She also had hypertension. Trini could not believe what was happening. Just like that, she realized the magnitude of the treatment she would have to undergo. She wanted to pretend there’s nothing wrong with her. But she can no longer deny it. All those heavy bleeding she had month after month. That bulge in her tummy even prompted a friend to ask if she's pregnant.

Day 2-3, November 1st-2nd: The Painful Decision

Trini spent the next two days painfully considering her situation, praying fervently about it. At first, she thought of not telling her family. She lived in a different house. She wanted to do it alone. But the doctor advised her that it’s better to have at least one family member or friend to have with her to the hospital. She hesitantly told her younger brother and her mother. When she made up her mind, she sent a message to the doctor. Trini was to be admitted by November 7th, with the surgery scheduled for November 9th. 

Day 4-7, November 3rd-6th: The Long Wait

Trini prepared her things and herself for what was to come. The doctor is a specialist in minimally invasive surgery and a skilled surgeon. At least that’s what Trini was told when she was choosing the doctor to treat her.

Day 8, November 7th: Total Surrender

Trini walked into the hospital admission area and signed the papers. She was then brought to her room where she would stay for the next few days. It was spacious, not quite what she expected. Next came the nurses, then different people, hospital residents, doctors-in-training, all asking her the same questions repeatedly to the details that led to her hospitalization. Her head was about to burst with the seemingly endless questions. All she wanted was to close her eyes for just a bit, but they won’t let her. The nurses kept checking her vital signs. 

The doctor came in late in the afternoon to tell her what’s going to happen next. All the heavy bleeding resulted in anemia. It would be too risky if she bleeds during the procedure. She needed 3 bags of red blood cells, but she didn’t have any blood donors with her except her brother. Surprisingly, the doctor said she has the same blood type and will be donating blood so the transfusion can begin. Fortunately, the hospital’s blood bank had an available stock of the same blood type to complete the required units.

This doctor is heaven-sent! Her services definitely do not include donating blood to a patient, but she did! She willingly donated her blood for me.

The transfusion happened the entire evening and was completed the following morning. The first phase of treatment is successful. I did not have an adverse reaction to the new blood in my veins.

Day 9, November 8th: The Final Countdown

After Trini received the last bag of blood, she tried to sleep but she couldn’t because of the constant monitoring of her vital signs. Realizing it is Sunday, and she’s off to a major surgery the following day, she messaged the doctor to ask if she can go out of the room to pray at the chapel on the ground floor, but the doctor told her to just stay in the room and rest. She was advised not to eat or drink anything from midnight until morning. Trini couldn’t sleep again. What if things do not go out as planned? What if her body does not respond well to the trauma it will go through? 

Day 10, November 9th: Whatever This Day Brings

Today is the day. Unable to sleep from the night before, Trini sent a message to the doctor at 3:00AM, saying, “Doctor, please do what you have to do. I trust you. Whatever happens today, I know you would have done your best.”

The nurse came in at 5:00AM for Trini’s final preparations for the 8:00AM surgery. At 7:00AM, the anesthesia team came in to give her the primary sedative, then she was wheeled outside the room off to the operating room...

Back in her room, Trini woke up when she heard a woman’s voice asking if she’s awake. It was the doctor who came to check on her and discuss what transpired inside the operating room. The kaleidoscope of emotions came rushing again. Trini looked at the doctor, feeling a bit disappointed, perhaps a bit angry, but she quietly listened. The doctor said she couldn’t complete the procedure via laparoscopy because the biggest fibroid blocked her instrument, and with the risk of complications, she and her team decided on the best course of action. They proceeded to remove the fibroids via full abdominal hysterectomy, which Trini initially avoided. But what else can she do? She wanted to say, "Doctor, I thought you're good at what you do? You promised...!!!!"

The doctor went on to say that while the surgery was over, they still need to monitor Trini for the next 24-48 hours for complications before sending her home…

The doctor had a track record of successful minimally invasive procedures since she specialized in it. Although Trini came out safe from surgery, her case had blemished the doctor’s record. Trini became the first patient where the doctor had to resort to open abdominal hysterectomy instead of the minimally invasive laparoscopic procedure. 

Trini asked the doctor how she felt about it. The good doctor replied: “Yours was a difficult case. I knew there’s a big possibility that we would have to perform open surgery.” 

Realizing that the doctor knew this was a complicated case, yet she still took it at the risk of tainting her unblemished expertise, Trini thought: The doctor had more reason to feel an obscure sorrow...how can Trini be so selfish to feel angry or disappointed?

The good doctor did her best, staying true to her oath: “First, Do No Harm.”

At that moment, Trini felt her obscure sorrow melting. She thanked the doctor and she was finally able to sleep peacefully that night.

Kaleidoscope, which once felt like a myriad of confusing emotions for Trini, now represents the courage she must take to face her new life and find her right path. As life continues to change and surprise us, we are continuously tested. The kaleidoscope, when shaken, comes together again forming a different, more beautiful pattern. It all depends on how you look at it, to see the beauty inside every pattern in the kaleidoscope.

While preparing to go home, Trini realized what she is capable of and discovered a different person she never knew existed inside her.