Could've Been a Dick

“I want a motorcycle!”

“But why? You’ve never even shown interest in riding.”

“That’s because I could always just ride on the back of Kenny’s bike, and we broke up, so I don’t have his to ride on the back of anymore. Why should I wait around for someone to come pick me up on their bike, when I can learn to ride my own bike? I won’t even have to date. All I need is a bike. No men. Just bikes. Well, bikes, boats, and books. The three Bs… that’s all I need.”

“I’ll look for a bike then. It will be nice to have someone else to ride with.”

“Yeah. We can ride down the coast and check out different restaurants. We can be foodies that ride and we can post our little adventures on Instagram.”

“Whatever you say. I’ll start looking.”

*********

“I found a bike at Gray Beard’s Motorcycle Barn. It’s out in Mims though. But it’s a 2006 Harley Sportser 883, with a 1200 bore kit on it, for $4,000.”

“I don’t know what any of that means, but let’s go look at it! I’ll be there in a few minutes to scoop you up.”

********

“Can I help you?”

“We’re here to look at the 2006 Harley you have on Craig’s List.”

“Wait. Bruce, look at this bike. That’s a pretty blue.”

“Friends don’t let friends buy Honda’s. We’re here to look at the Harley. Stop getting side-tracked by shiny things.”

“But, the color…”

“Come on. The Harley is over there.”

“Fine.”

“Oh, I like this. This is pretty.”

“Yeah, because pretty is what we’re going for.”

“Oh, shut up. I know that’s not all there is, but it helps that it’s pretty.”

“Funny.”

“Kind of like Kenny. Pretty, but I wouldn’t have taken him off the showroom floor, if I would have known he wasn’t as pretty on the inside.”

“Sure.”

“Are you going to ride this home, since I don’t know how to ride yet?”

“Well, I guess I have to, right?”

“Fair point.”

“I’ll ride it to my house, and you go home and change into your ride gear. Did it all come in?”

“Yes. I can’t wait to put it all on. I ordered everything in red, so it all matches. I’m going to look sexy in my riding gear!”

“Yeah, because if you wreck and you look sexy when you’re dead, that’s what’s important… not that the gear you got actually protects you. But hey, as long as it looks sexy.”

“You know what I mean. Let me have my moment. And stop being so morbid. I’ll see you in a bit. You better not wreck my bike. Speaking of riding gear. You want to diss me for my sexy gear, but you are wearing overalls and not helmet. Hi Kettle, I’m Pot. At least I have gear.”

“Blah blah. See you in a little while. And wear jeans.”

********

“You look like Bowser from Super Mario Brothers. Are you going to save Princess Peach from Mushroom Castle, or are you here to learn how to ride your new motorcycle?”

“I was going for the retro look. It looked good in the pictures, but I am fully aware it looks like I have a red turtle shell sitting on my head. And it’s a different red than my jacket. This is not the vision I had in my head when I ordered this stuff. This is why I don’t order stuff online.”

“I told you to go to the thrift store to see what they had.”

“There are two things I don’t buy from the thrift store. I don’t buy leather, that other people have sweat in, and I don’t buy shoes that other people’s feet have been in.”

“But you’ll swap spit with someone else and have sweaty sex with them. What’s the difference.”

“There’s a difference. I’ll kiss someone and not eat after them. I’ll have sweaty sex with someone, but I won’t wear their shoes. I know, I’m weird.”

“That’s an understatement.”

“Shush. Are you going to teach me how to ride, or are you going to ragging on my outfit?”

“Yes. First you need to learn how to rock your bike. Slowly let the clutch out, until the bike starts to move, then pull it back in.”

“Like this?”

“Yeah. That’s good. Now, you can release the clutch and just go down the street a bit, then turn back around and do it again. Keep your feet down and just kind of walk with the bike.”

“I walk with it? So, just release the clutch a little bit, until I start moving and just keep my feet down and walk with the bike? Will it be hard to hold the bike up when I do that? I’m not going to drop the bike, am I? Oh my God. What if I drop the bike? What do I do then?”

“Stop being so scared. You aren’t going to drop the bike, and if you do, I’ll show you how to pick it up. Just calm down. You’ll be fine.”

“Yay! I’m riding my motorcycle!”

“I wouldn’t say you’re riding it, but you’re doing good.”

“Just keep walking next to me. I’m not ready to be on my own yet.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“I did it! Yay me!”

“Now, you’re going to do that again, but you are going to give it a little bit of throttle at the same time. Go down the street, then turn around. Stay in first gear.”

“I don’t even know how to shift gears yet, so I have no choice, but the stay in first gear.”

“Are you going to keep talking, or are you going to ride?”

“I’m going to ride.”

“Go about halfway down the street, then turn around and come back.”

“Ok. Here goes nothing.”

“Stay out of the gutter!”

“Oh crap! That was close. I almost hit the mailbox. I can’t get out. How do I get out?”

“That’s why I taught you how to walk with your bike. Just walk it out of the gutter.”

“That was easy. I think I’m done for the day though. I think that almost hitting a mailbox was a sign that it’s time to call it a day.”

“What are you going to name it?”

“Could’ve Been a Dick.”

“Did you come up with that, because you broke up with Kenny?"

“Kenny who?”

“We’ll go get ya a sticker made to put on the tank.”

“Cool. In the meantime, take care of her!”