"Just let me listen to her. " I said.

" You think what she says is going to change anything? "

" Definitely if I shut you out. "

" Well how are you going to do that?"

" Just shut up "

I am sitting in this small conference room with 24 people. Our college organized a discussion on mental health with a professional. I forgot her first name but everyone here is calling her Ms. Sheoran. She seems pretty nice. She is polite and knowledgeable.

Professor Sanghvi insisted I attend this discussion. She says it would help with my anxiety. I don't know what to expect, but I am trying to listen to Ms. Sheoran as much as I can.

" This is not going to do anything for you. How many times have you tried to shut me out but at the end you come crawling back. "

" Just let me listen "

" What are you going to do? Fight? Who has the courage for that? Not you. "

" Shut up. I am trying to concentrate here. "

" Concentrate. Sure... You can try but you know it too. It won't help. You are going to stay just the way you are. Miserable. "

I am sitting away from everyone else. There are only 25 people in the room --- 20 students, the guest and 4 professors---- so there are many empty chairs. When Professor Sanghvi saw me sitting away from everyone else, she gave me a subtle look but didn't say anything. She is the only Professor that I really talk to or rather the only one in the entire college whom I talk to. She was the one who counselled me when I passed out in class due to hyperventilation and sweating. She told me she went to therapy too and would support me if I wanted to get help.

I like what Ms. Sheoran is talking about. I might even consider going for therapy.

I have terrible anxiety. I just can not seem to work in uncomfortable situations.It's just too much to handle.

" People will always be there to help you. You just need to reach out and decide to help yourself first. ", asserted Ms.Sheoran.

" I want to reach out to someone. "

" Do you? You are weak. You can't even think for yourself how are you going to help yourself? Come on quit kidding. "

" I did reach out of Professor Sanghvi. She was so understanding about it. I can do this. "

" Really? You think you can trust her? Maybe you forgot that people don't care. Are you forgetting all of them? You think you want to make that mistake again? "

 It has been a year and a half. I know I need help but I just need someone to tell me it is ok to need help. Maybe I am making an excuse but I am just tired of fighting with my own thoughts. It's ridiculous.

" Ok, so does anyone have questions? Go on and ask me whatever you wish to know. "

I like Ms. Sheoran very much. She is a professional after all. I want to reach out to her. Maybe I should ask her now.

" Are you stupid? Can you not see people around you? You'll make a joke out of yourself. They'll think you are a lunatic. "

I start to feel fatigue out of nowhere. I can feel my heartbeat through my chest. My parents do not know about my situation. For them I am a perfectly fit daughter obviously because I don't want them to get concerned. I sit there frozen for a long time unknown of what is going on around me.

" Alright, so this was great. I didn't know I was going to have a conversation with such bright heads. It was such a pleasure interacting with you all. I hope to hear from you sometime. I'd like an update. "

The professors started greeting her and the discussion was at an end. I can't make up my mind. I want to talk to her. Everything about what has been bothering me. I feel my head pounding, it is so scary here.

The professors escort Ms. Sheoran. She is gone.

" That's right she's gone. What did I tell you? You cannot speak for yourself. You can never get out of this you should know that. "

 I see Professor Sanghvi walking over to me. I don't know what to say. She was probably expecting something from me. I have disappointed her.

" Are you alright Lily? "

" Yes Ma'am. " I keep staring at my fumbling fingers.

" How did you like the discussion? Was it helpful? "

I don't know what to say. She sits down in the chair right next to me.

" Lily you know that I am here to help you in anything.  "

" She's lying. Everybody lies. Nobody cares about you. They are all going to leave you eventually "

" You are a brave girl to make it this far and trust me I know exactly what you are going through. "

" No she doesn't. No one does. She cannot help you. She's just acting sympathetic. "

" I… I don't know Ma'am. "

" Lily, I cannot make a decision for you. It is you who has to choose. I will never make you do something that you do not want to do. We can wait as long as you want. "

" See, she doesn't want to take the responsibility. She's making you take the decision so that you face the consequences of it later. "

" We can talk whenever you want ok? "

A nod is all I can give right now. Professor Sanghvi stands up to leave. The door closes behind her. I feel like several emotions are just rushing past through me, making me feel like a ferry in the storm.

" Such a loser you are. "

" I am not "

" You are weak, a coward and the biggest loser. "

" I. AM. NOT. "

I stand up and start running towards the door and out. I go down to the 1st floor and to the staff room. I see Professor Sanghvi sitting on the desk and run to her.

" I want to do it. I want to get therapy. I promise I won't give up. "

I break down crying and weeping. Professor Sanghvi gets up from her chair, comes to me and says, " I am proud of you. You are so strong to make this decision Lily. I'll talk to Ms. Sheoran and get you an appointment. Is that ok? "

I nod. " Thank you, Ma'am "

" You have done it. You have taken a step towards winning against anxiety. I am so proud Lily, so proud. "

I walked out into the corridor and felt a release. I had finally done it. I have fought against my thoughts and taken a first step. That for me is a big deal.

I hope I can shut the voices in my head soon. 

July 02, 2020 02:54

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Nirosha P
06:41 Jul 16, 2020

I feel that this story is very original. I love how when you started, you had no idea about the story and that you let the information slowly bit by bit in the whole story. Good job and keep it up. :) Also could you comment on my latest story ' time to think back' ? Thanks. :)


07:33 Jul 16, 2020

Oh god thank you so much. It really means the world to me. 💙 I'll make sure I see your story✌️


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07:51 Jul 07, 2020

Please let me know what you think about this story. This is my first one so I need some suggestions. Thank you.


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