The Invitation

Eric: I called you last night…

Patrice: You did?

Eric: I texted, but when you didn’t reply I called and you didn’t answer. No wait, actually, I called and then I texted. Anyway, I kinda figured why you didn’t want to respond but you could’ve replied anyway. I was starting to worry…

Patrice: Wait, what do you mean that you knew why I didn’t want to reply?

Eric: You know. The whole staying out of drama thing. I respect that, truly. But you could’ve still replied.

Patrice: What type of drama are you getting yourself into now?

Eric: Nothing. Nothing happened. I went to the party and it was all good. But I know you didn’t want any part of that scene.

Patrice: Um...scene? Should I be concerned? What type of scene are you talking about?

Eric: Well, not the scene per se, but y’know...who would be there. And she was.

Patrice: Oh?

Eric: C’mon, you don’t have to pretend. Angie. She was there and…

Patrice: Oh. How was that?

Eric: Like I said, it was fine. She asked about you.

Patrice: I’m sure she did.

Eric: Are you ever going to tell me what happened between you two? 

Patrice: You know me...drama-free!

Eric: I know, I know. But really, it would be helpful to know exactly what type of drama you are talking about. Did she steal a boyfriend or something? Did she backstab you somehow? She gets along with everyone and seems so cool, I just don’t see it.

Patrice: She has changed a lot from when I knew her but I just can’t see past the past.

Eric: But maybe it would help to talk about the past. Like, what did she do to you?

Patrice: She didn’t do anything to me.

Eric: Huh? So what’s the deal?

Patrice: It’s more what she did to someone. My cousin Ed.

Eric: Bid Ed? She broke his heart or something? I can’t imagine big ol’ Ed holding a grudge on anyone, so why are you? He’s like the most chill guy I’ve ever met. I’m sure he’d be fine with you being cool with his ex.

Patrice: Oh I’m sure he’d be fine. Or at least say he was fine. But I know better.

Eric: Ok, she cheated on him, right? Is that it?

Patrice: No. It was more than that. She is a toxic person. Or at least she was. I don’t know the new Angie but the one I knew was not a good person.

Eric: Not a good person how? Ooh...did she give him an STD? Steal from him?

Patrice: She beat him.

Eric: What do you mean, like in a game? She does seem like she’d be really good…

Patrice: No. Beat him, beat him. Like physically beat him.

Eric: Say what?? No way. Big Ed? Why would anyone beat him? That dude is like a pile of muscles just stacked! That tiny little woman beat him?

Patrice: Yes. He didn’t say anything for a while. It was going on for months before I finally realized something was up.

Eric: How did you even come to that conclusion? Was he all scarred up or something? What made you think it was her?

Patrice: I had been thinking for a while that something wasn’t right about him. Everyone used to joke that he was whipped cuz he seemed to always be looking for her approval. Like if they were at a party he’d make sure she had food or a drink or a seat, like he was super gentlemanly to her. Everyone thought it was sweet and were happy that he was so smitten but something just seemed off to me.

Eric: Ok, I’m not following. Because he’s attentive to her, something is wrong? Isn’t that what women want? For their guy to treat them like a queen?

Patrice: I know and at first I thought I was reading into things. But every time she walked into a room, he just seemed like on high alert. Like he was afraid he was going to mess up. It reminded me of when we were kids and he was always trying to make sure he didn’t get in trouble. I’d get him to do stuff like bring down the box of Oreos from the shelf where my mom kept them, cuz even back then he was super tall. And he always said yes to me but he had this way of kinda shrinking into himself when he did it. And when my mom walked into the room, he’d get that high alert look like he was afraid we’d be found out. We never were. At least she never said anything, though looking back she probably knew what we were up to.

Eric: Seriously, Patrice, I’m not following you. It sounds like you are making a leap. Are you sure that you weren’t just jealous of Angie? I mean I know Ed is your favorite cousin and all, maybe it was one of those things where you were being extra protective…

Patrice: No, it was definitely what I thought it was. He finally fessed up and I talked him into walking away.

Eric: For real? You’re sure you were sure? Cuz it sounds like he was just in love with her.

Patrice: And that’s the problem. One, he was in love with her, or at least thought he was. But as I told him, if she loved him, she wouldn’t have treated him like she did. She would go into rages…

Eric: Rages? How much damage could that itty bitty something do to someone like Big Ed?

Patrice: That’s the second part of the problem. He was too embarrassed to tell anyone what was going on. Everyone assumes someone big like him can take care of himself. And he figured either nobody would believe him, or she would turn it around on him and he’d be the one catching the case.

Eric: Darn. I just don’t get it, she doesn’t seem like someone who could hurt a fly.

Patrice: Well, she did. And she did get sentenced to anger management…

Eric: Sentenced? How in the world did that happen?

Patrice: Two simple words - Nanny Cam. One of my girlfriends (Elaine, you remember her?) had bought a nanny camera to keep an eye on their babysitter. It was the first time they were going out since baby Warren was born, and she was super nervous. So she got one and she swore by it. She had shown me how to use it so I decided to get one for Ed.

Eric: OK, so you’re trying to tell me that Angie didn’t notice when a random teddy bear showed up in Ed’s place? C’mon…

Patrice: They don’t have to be in a bear. The one I got was just a tiny camera that I stuck behind a photo frame on that shelf in his living room.

Eric: OK, this is sounding like some straight up James Bond stuff here.

Patrice: Haha! It wasn’t nearly that exciting. But it worked. She started to get on him about something and the camera captured it all. He was so shook when he watched it later. I think seeing it like that, played out on video, really got to him. He had been making excuses for her to me before but after he saw the tape he cried and said he was done.

Eric: Man. That’s deep. Poor Ed. I never would’ve expected this. He’s all heart too. How could she do him like that?

Patrice: She did. I think the anger management stuff helped but who knows. I just know I don’t want to be around her so I avoid places where I know she will be. He has moved on but I just can’t let go of the image of him getting beat up by her. I just can’t.

Eric: Oh I get it. I do. I just didn’t know or I wouldn’t have kept asking you to come. I probably seemed so desperate with the text and the call. 

Patrice: Yeah, about that…

Eric: Listen, I get it. It’s fine. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable. I mean, especially now.

Patrice: What do you mean by that?

Eric: Well, last night when I heard that they were about to start mandating the whole shelter in place thing, I wanted to talk to you about an idea that I had. It’s not a big deal but I just thought... I don’t know how you’d feel about this but it kinda seems like a good time to try…

Patrice: Eric...out with it! What are you talking about?

Eric: OK, you know how they said we should shelter in place, like after this weekend? Well, I thought it might be a good chance to sort of test the waters to see how we would do living in one space. It could be mine or yours and we’d just do it for the shelter in place, so maybe like 2 weeks or something. But it’d be a good chance to…

Patrice: See if we are compatible? I get it. It’s not a bad idea. I guess we could stay here in mine since there are more restaurants by me so we could order in and stuff. Hmm. Yeah, I think we could make that work. It’s a big step…

Eric: Yes, but it’d be like an experiment, right? More than likely, the shelter in place thing will blow over in like 2 weeks and…

Patrice: What if we find out that we aren’t compatible? I mean, maybe you have some weird quirks that you’ve kept hidden all this time. Am I setting myself up to be horrified?

Eric: Haha! Why does it have to be me with the weirdness? Maybe you have some funky habits that will gross me out!

Patrice: Ha! Yeah right!

Eric: So you think we should try it?

Patrice: Sure, why not. I mean, the only danger is that we find out we actually can’t stand each other and then where would we be?

Eric: Or...we find out that we are an even more super power couple. It could be really nice. We’d have more time together, since we wouldn’t have to trek across town to see each other. We’d be right here.

Patrice: Right here, indeed.

Eric: Well, we can both work from home…

Patrice: Oh, so my place is home now?

Eric: You know what I mean. We’re both going to be...working remotely….you like that better? You already have your home office, so maybe I could set up in the living room?

Patrice: Phew! I thought you were going to try to work yourself into my office too, ha! Yeah, that should work. If you have to do a meeting or something you could just close the door and I’ll definitely be closing my door, haha!

Eric: C’mon, I won’t get in your way. Just think, I could make you lunch…

Patrice: Lunch? What type of lunch do you know how to make?

Eric: Um, do I need to remind you of my amazing sandwich-making skills? I can gourmet up some sammies like that!

Patrice: Sammies? That’s what you have to offer? I may have to reconsider…

Eric: Did I mention that I signed up for an online cooking class? I always wanted to try my hand in the kitchen and I saw where Chef Michel was going to start doing some online classes, so I signed right up!

Patrice: Ooh...Chef Michel. Now you’re talking! Wait, how long have you been planning this? It sounds like you’ve been plotting and the shelter in place announcement just came out two days ago!

Eric: What can I say? I like to be prepared. You’ll come to find that I am a very organized planner, roomie.

Patrice: Roomie? Ha! 

Eric: Huh, what’s this...I’m getting a text from Patrick. That’s random. Hmm...he says, “Just seeing this. Sorry to miss. Thx for the invite.”

Patrice: Patrick? This is Patrick from work, right? When did you start hanging out with him? I didn’t even know you two spoke outside of work.

Eric: We don’t. I forgot I even have his number. That time we had to do the presentation together, I added him to my contacts in case one of us was going to be late, you know. But I never called him or anything and we have never hung out before. I mean, we talk, but just at work. What invitation is he talking about? Maybe he sent this to the wrong person?

Patrice: Or maybe YOU sent it to the wrong person! Patrick? Patrice? You invited him to the party last night, not me! Haha!!

Eric: Wait, so you weren’t ghosting me last night? This whole time, you didn’t even get my call or my text?

Patrice: Did you leave a message when you called?

Eric: No, I just hung up and then texted you about coming to the party.

Patrice: You mean, texted Patrick, your new bff, about coming to the party!

Eric: Sheesh. What do I do? Can you imagine how ridiculous I must look? Like, the world is coming to an end...wanna come to a party with me? He must think I have no friends so I’m hitting up my work colleagues…

Patrice: Or hitting on! Right? Think about it…

Eric: Oh no! You’re right though. Aw man. I don’t know how to fix this. 

Patrice: How about you just explain the mix-up?

Eric: Yeah, I could do that. I’ll text him back…

Patrice: I think a call might be a better idea. 

Eric: True. Ok. I’ll call him now then I’ll head back to my apartment to pack up some things…

Patrice: Ha! I’m surprised you don’t have your bags packed and in your car outside already.

Eric: Haha, aren’t we funny. Hold up....the 3 dots, looks like he’s writing again. “Free to meet up tonight if you want. Big convo with Jim just now - we’re going to shelter together!”

Patrice: Aw…looks like you have two new friends!

Eric: Another one. “Bring your lady...double date?” I guess you have a couple of new friends too, m’lady!