PTSD

                        “PTSD” by “Sannaan Malik” 

"When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it." Someone said that. But isn't true so don't let it inside your mind, believe me, you will regret. My name is Sannaan, I call myself Ash cause someone led me into fire and you know what happens when you walk into fire, you burn and turn into ashes. And in my case, this someone is the person who quoted the quote I mentioned before. I am a student and I once fell in love. The situation was really bad to be honest. Bollywood romantic movies, young adult novels and that quote were fuel in my mind when I signed up for this love ride. Pretty obvious, fantasies aren't real but I didn't know it back then. So in my neighborhood lived an angel, this part isn't something from the fantasy glasses, it's real, she was an angel. And that was bad for me but again I didn't knew it then that angels go with Strong jaws or Billionaires only. And I fell for her, madly. And due to the cinema and novel affect, I thought I would go look into her eyes and say I love you and she would say I love you too and we will love happily ever after. I regret this part the most. Yeah I did that and guess what at first as soon as the words left my mouth, she burst into laughter and then she grabbed me from the coller and gave me such a shake that I almost pissed myself. Wait, we are missing something. Did I tell you that she was older than me, taller than me, I mean real tall and I was a skinny little kid. But the funny thing is that, it didn't break me. This encounter woke up the lover even more and then all I did was sit outside my house and look at her door. And I just got to see her for maybe seconds and I felt so happy inside and I would hug and kiss my pillow. This routine went on for 2 years at least, believe me and than we moved out of that house and shifted to another town which was 3 hours drive and we visited our old neighborhood almost 2 to 3 times in a month on weekends. My quest didn't came to any stop and I kept thinking about her. After another fruitless year, I met her on Facebook and there she was talking with me endlessly but our conversations had no point and she even gave me her pictures. We chatted late in the night. I was happy thinking that after all she had a thing for me too. But it was nothing, she was chatting with me either cause she couldn't see my face and probably pictured something better in her mind or she was new in this Facebook and chatting thing, so she must be excited and all. But whatever it was, once more I was the one who took all the pain cause she left me once more with sour words this time and she blocked me on Facebook. And I know I was a kid and all and people don't believe anything and they laugh when they hear words like pain and love with kid in the sentence. But believe me, the pain was real, I dreamt about her and I was thinking about her endlessly and the Facebook thing only triggered it more hard and I kept chasing her than I saw her on my Grandpa's funeral and sadly she was the only thing on my mind and I couldn't take my eyes off her. And at some point, I stole her number from my sister's phone and than came WhatsApp, I won't bother going into it, same Facebook story which again ended with a blocked number and a broken heart. And I kept chasing her in dreams, in thoughts and everything. It was like some cat and mouse chase, I went into a navel academy training as a cadet and there was no cellphones, nothing and I came back after every 5 months for just a couple of days so this thing messed up my story even more, she wouldn't remember me after 5 months and due to the training my skin was so bad, I could not even face her. I was so sick of my life and I still am. The WhatsApp one lasted probably 3 years and that left me into pieces. And last year I saw her on Instagram and I tried to contact her there but as soon as she saw my name, she BLOCKED me. I started hating myself, I still do and I'm kind of in rehab trying to get rid of her but as I close my eyes, her face pops up, what can I do!!! It's been 15 years since the day I fell in love with her and I have PTSD not from war but from from heartbreaks and each time it triggers so bad when that month comes, I couldn't sleep, I feel breathless at times, I can't get social with anyone, I am mucked, you know what I mean. I just can't get rid of her and where was the universe trying to help me achieve what I desire. The one who quoted that qoute should go to hell. A piece of advice: Stay focused and don't come into anyones words cause all that glitter is not gold.

"Humans are cruel, Love is unfair, Justice is unjust, Life isn't fair, Life is hard, We are all criminals cause we don't realize but we often break people from the inside."

Was it my fault that I fall in love, I mean falling in unintentional, we don't fall ourselves. I hated myself for so long and somewhere inside I still do, I am trying to repair myself, fix the damage.

I need rehab but they only offer rehab to drug addicts and they don't realize that love addicts need help more than anyone, those who are addicted to a certain face, who when sane or insane just see someones face, they see it all the time, when the close their eyes, when they are trying to sleep but there is no rest for them in this god-damned world.