Hands in my Lap

     Being the oldest child of four and my mom and dad both working full-time five days a week really didn't leave much time for fun getaways at all when I was a child, for my two sisters, my brother, and I.   Even just a day at the park was a lot to ask for.  But for me, I had an extra special trip to look forward to every weekend. It was going to my grandma's house. Not only was it the greatest place in the world for me as a seven-year-old but fit my grandma was my favorite person throughout my entire childhood.  She was a strong and independent woman.  She lived alone, worked as a nurse, and did interior decorating work. She had been a widow for many years after losing my grandpap and learned to make it on her own. She flourished.                                                                                                                                                       I was a shy and awkward little girl throughout all of my childhood. And when I think back to 1972 so many other things in life just seemed so large, overwhelming, and scary to me but when my mommy put me in that big green taxi with gigantic seats so big that I felt like I would just disappear and them this big cab with just magically whisked me away to my grandma's house Magic really did happen.   It was that excitingly awaited vacation. Grandma would always be standing at her front door waiting and waving as soon as we pulled up. This was my absolute favorite place to be. The world was instantly and perfectly right. Fridays were always extra special we would go to downtown Pittsburgh.  Gram didn’t drive so we took a public bus downtown to go shopping. This was an exciting trip that I only took with my grandma. We both dressed up, grandma in her matching polyester top and slacks, I swear she had a set in every single color of the palette. I think pink was her favorite set and actually mine too, it was so pretty and she just looked so lovely in it. I remember this one particular trip where I wore a burgundy and gray striped dress with tights and my favorite black patent leather shoes with silver buckles and Gram put rollers in my long dark hair so that I had long locks and curled my bangs. What an exciting day. Two ladies off on a shopping excursion to downtown Pittsburgh we shopped at Kauffman's, Gimbels, Woolworths, and then finally the very special treat of a McDonald's visit I always order the cheeseburger, french fries, and a large drink with lots of ice. Truly the best day ever. The last stop was always the local candy store. As soon as we walked in we could smell the chocolate, the butter, the sugar, and everything were just gleaming. Every sweet confection one could think of.  I would always ask Grandma if I could get one pound of bridge mix for mommy and daddy it was their favorite... I never wanted to go home without a gift for them. We shopped all day starting at the bargain-basement, deals in every store working up to the first through third-floor displays. Shopping would be over and we would carry everything that we could and find our way back to the bus stops where we would wait for our bus to take us home before it would get start getting dark. I always stood close to Gram on the sidewalks that were so crowded with people moving so fast. There were always so many people waiting on the sidewalks and walking in such a hurry to get somewhere.I don't know where everyone was rushing to go so fast but I remember thinking it was so neat that they all seemed to be going to the same place we were going. Our bus would eventually come into view and ease up so huge along the curb making all sorts of strange noises. I was still holding on to my grandma. I even grabbed onto her shirt as we climbed onto the bus not wanting to take the chance of getting lost in the shuffle.    I kept my eyes on everyone as they boarded the bus and I remember thinking we're all going to the same place and how strange how that was. We climbed aboard and put our coins into the glass box next to the bus driver. We looked for open seats but always sat on the front seats facing out in the aisle I breathed a sigh of relief once I saw we were on the right bus comfortably sitting and then heard the bus doors swoosh closed We were on our way back to grandmas. As we pulled away from the curb I always looked around at the different people I remember feeling as though I was so unsure about myself how should I sit where do I look do I talk to anyone I scanned the length of the bus with my eyes every time taking a mental post-It note of everything I could.I so much wanted to be a lady like all the fancy ladies on the bus and not so shy and unsure of myself.  Every downtown shopping trip although always fun was also a day of lessons for me.  I was people-watching. I wanted so much to learn how to be like the sophisticated ladies on that bus. So I watched and tried to learn.  All while sitting perfectly, smiling with my little hands folded perfectly in my little lap. I remember once we were at a family dinner and Grandma was telling everyone how proud she was of me that every time she takes me downtown so many people stop her and comment on what a perfect little lady I am sitting with my hands folded so perfectly on my little that I smiled every time she told the story I felt happy and proud and so excited that it made my grandma so proud most of all I just loved the time that we spent together grandma and me.   The funny thing is when I was sitting there looking so reserved and ladylike I was feeling so unsure of myself and nervous on the inside the one hand was covering the other from trembling just a little bit I wanted to be so very ladylike and was trying to learn and sometimes I still feel like I'm on that bus inconspicuously watching the other passengers so I can learn how to be who to be and when to be the perfect little lady I'm sitting here now with my hands folded so nicely in my lap but  Grandma's not with us anymore and I miss her so. So now I'm a mom, a grandma and a nurse and just a little bit older, in my 50s... I've waited on, been a passenger on, and driven many buses. Funny I may be older but not always wiser.  Sometimes still feeling like that little girl on that big bus going downtown on a big adventure with my gram.  I find myself sitting so ladylike with my hands folded in my lap only now they hold many years of ups and downs but it's funny when I sit up straight and fold my hands in my lap ever so ladylike I just feel like I'm that little girl on the bus with Grandma and she's so very proud of me.  Sitting like a little lady with my hands folded so perfectly in my lap.

     So much has changed.  I now have five children and five grandchildren.  We no longer ride on buses and grandma has passed on many years ago.  I try my best to be to them what my gram was to me.  She became such a part of me that strengthened and motivated me through each phase of my life.   What a lady.  Thank you, Gram.

Cynthia Joyner    joynercyn@gmail.com