Clue of the Wooden Puppet

Clue of the wooden puppet

Yes, I know it needs work.  Ok, it needs a lot of work, but can you fix it?

Yes, I’ve been working at this craft for over 30 years.   I can fix it.   Are there any specific concerns you have and what’s the deadline?   Or is there a deadline?  

I need it within six months.  

Six months is doable.   Other than aesthetics, are there any specifics you want to fix?   Or, maybe I should say what would you like to have done to her?  

There’s mold I want cut off her and disposed of in the proper manner.  

Mold?   I don’t see no mold.  Where’s the mold?

“The woodfixer looks at the three-foot bass carving in a yellow blouse, pink skirt, dotted underwear, stalkings, and high heeled shoes as the customer takes off the puppetess’s shirt.  The puppetess’, whose name is Sarah, breasts are black spots, some look like small dots, but other are the size of half-dollars.”

I can fix this.  I’ll need extra safety equipment, but I got that.  The hard part is going to be keeping them even.   Is it okay if I use artificial wood.   It doesn’t feel like bass wood, but most people don’t fuck around with art anyway.  

That’d be ok.  Just make sure they’re even.  

“They discuss pricing, which is complicated since Sarah has to be unvarnished, sanded, cut off the mold, dispose of the mold, put fake wood on even, repaint, wait for paint to dry, and revarnish, but after 15 minutes, they agree on terms, and Sarah stays with the craftsman and his other works, and the customer leaves.   But, this isn’t “Toy Story” where things come to life when the owner is away.  This is about something else.  

     See, woodsman and woodswoman don’t carve for shits and giggles.  Well, some start out that way, but that isn’t what keeps them coming back, subscribing to the wood magazines, and going to woodcarving fairs to buy new knives and wood.  It’s the community and the lessons learned through the community.   For example, in one of the customer’s first classes, he was taught, “small cuts, small mistakes.  Big cuts, big mistakes,” which is about more than wood.”

Let’s have a look at you, Mary.  Know it ain’t polite to ask a woman her age, but you look young, but my guess is you’re at least 40 years old.  Don’t like getting splinters, so besides my glove and thumb protector, I better sand you first.  What you think, Mary, should we start with a 100 grit sandpaper, 200, 300, or what?   Ok, let’s start with a 100.  

    The carver turned on the radio and sanded the wood.   You carve with the grain, but you sand against it.   And he knows there are different kinds of wood.   Hell, wood comes from trees and there are millions of trees in the world.   But, the craftsman knew by the feel of the 100 against the wood, that Mary was made of Bass wood, one of the more popular woods, because it’s not too hard to carve and doesn’t bend when the knife goes against it. He taught courses on woodcarving once in a while.   Start with carving an uncooked sweet potato.   Teach the students the push cut, the pull cut, and the stop cut.   He went to a woodcarving club for 2 hours once a week and did what he did in his studio, but at the club, he’d talk to people and take their workshops on things like chip carving, scissor sharpening, etcetera.   He’d get his coffee and pastry, sit down, make a contribution to the donation box, and continue his work.  But, he’d talk to the other people about what was happening in their lives, their kids’ lives, in politics, etc.   I learn from other people and other people learn from me.  Like, how increasing the amount of oil refineries won’t solve the oil problem since oil is a finite resource.  

       We’d argue about things like gun control, but we never have fist fights.   But, let’s get back to Sara.   The craftsman sanded her, but he noticed a soft kind of music, like the kind you’d hear in a music box figurine.  

     But, he ignored it.  The volume didn’t increase, so who cares.  Maybe there was a music box inside the figurine?   Who knows?   

He’s paying me to fix Sara, not figure out ancient mysteries.   Right, if Sara was a carving of a dog, he could’ve taken it to a vet.  

    But, as I continue to work, I smell bread baking, which is weird since I’m at home and nothings in the oven, not even a bun.   Might be coming from a next door neighbor.   But, I keep sanding.   Wood also has a scent, but that comes out more with pyrography or wood burning, since no one understands the word pyrography.  Have to remind the students to bring their masks since pyrography flames are carcinogenic.  See if Sara needs any burning later.  

      Use dremmel when I need to.   That’s for big pieces of wood.   Woodcarving knives are expensive, and bigger tools are too.  But, I offer fair prices for my services.  No ones come back and said they got better deals somewhere else.   But, Sara’s smelling, she’s playing music, next thing you know, she’ll be in “Child’s Play II,” as Chucky’s wife, right?   He finds further in someone spilled coffee on her and tried covering it up with paint.  Maybe that’s what he’ smelling?

    You are a piece of art but you got more problems than I thought.  Might have to raise the price on you.  We’ll see.  Whoever made you paid attention to details.  Hell, they even gave you nipples.  No aureolas, but nipples.  Wood warps with weather.   Environmentalists argue we’re destroying important natural resources, but it’s an ecosystem and we always plant more and let them grow up, cut them, and it’s a cycle.  Like I’ve been married, had kids, and all but one of them survived and two of them are married and I got three grandchildren and they know I’ll die someday, ‘cause that’s how nature works, but they’ll have my woodcarvings to remember me by.  Now, gotta get back to work on Sara.  See, I bet Sara’s part of that man’s family history and maybe he’s thinking of picking up woodcarving too or maybe he made this and wants to hand it on to his kids.  Maybe.  But, he ain’t paying me to be a therapist or a detective , he be paying me to fix his carving.  Gotta get back to work.