Pain Free

I kept a firm grip on the box cutter as I ran it down the top of my thigh. The razor blade walked through my skin with ease causing goose bumps to roll across the top of my head. I leaned back against the wall enjoying the euphoric release as blood started to work its way from the incision. It’s a short lived high but the resulting pain helps block out others.

I’ve been to every kind of doctor, every kind of medication they could think to prescribe, but nothing seems to help. The pain in my head seems to be growing. I don’t remember it being this bad last year.  I can’t remember when it started.  I think it’s always been there. Tears were starting to form in my eyes, and not from the cuts. The cuts were the only thing helping me keep it together.

After the medications didn’t work, some new young doctor suggested to my parents it must be the electronic devices. So in an attempt to try everything I gave up all of them, including my phone. The only senior in high school without a phone, but I just wanted the pain to go away. My father doesn’t believe me, my mother goes back and forth, and my twin sister has finally given up on me.

But guess what, devices weren’t the problem. I was going through this long before I had games or a phone. After all other options seemed exhausted I was brought to my mother’s preacher. All the answers were inside the Bible; all I had to do was read and pray. I tried, but it’s so long, and I never was big on reading.

Some days were better than others, but this night was the worst. Usually two cuts would relieve enough pain I could sleep, but I was at eight, and my brain was still burning. I looked at my alarm clock, five in the morning. The sun would be rising soon. They should be waking by now.

I stood up, and pulled up my jeans. Normally I wipe the blood off so I wouldn’t stain my pants or alert anyone to what I’d been doing. I didn’t cut for attention; that’s why I chose my thigh. No one questions why a teenage boy wears blue jeans all the time. I walked downstairs to find them all still where I put them.

I tied the three of them to the dining chairs after they passed out, but they were starting to wake. My father’s voice helped wake the other two. “What’s going on Jonathan?”

I had them side by side so I pulled my chair in front of them, and sat down in it backwards. My mother found my eyes, “What happened?”

I made sure my sister was awake before I started.  I only wanted to do this once. “I crushed up some of those sleeping pills in last night’s dinner. I’m glad to see they work for everyone, but me. One night I took three times the amount I put in that spaghetti, and it didn’t even make me drowsy.”

My mother shook her head and looked semi worried, “That could’ve killed you.”

I nodded, “I figured I would either sleep or die. Either way would’ve been a win for me, but no. It seems like I can’t catch a break.”

“Why are we tied up,” my father asked as he fought his restraints.

I kept bouncing my leg and bumping my fist into my thigh trying to block out the real pain. “You never believed me,” I said trying to fight back the tears.

“What are you talking about,” he asked getting red from pulling.

Snot was trying to run with the tears, “I’ve been telling you for over ten years my head wasn’t right. Something isn’t right, but you always wave it off. You said it was just me adjusting to the hormone changes, and I should find an outlet like football.”

“We all have troubles,” he said looking at me instead of his bindings. “But you have to man up, and push through them.”

My mother noticed the blood staining through the denim. “Why are you bleeding?”

I shrugged, “I found an outlet that helped, or at least for a while. Turns out it was only prolonging the inevitable.”

The look on my father’s face told me he finally started putting it all together. “What are you going to do?”

I smiled and the tears fell. “Don’t worry.  I’m not going to hurt you. I just want you to know that nothing I’ve ever done or said was for attention. And I tried every therapy option that the doctors recommended.”

“Jon,” my sister said low with tears raining down. She had an idea what was happening. “We haven’t tried everything. There’s always something else we haven’t thought of or some new medicine that hasn’t come out yet.”

My mother gasped when she caught on, “Jon, you wouldn’t.”

My father smiled and shook his head, “Don’t worry Tracy, you know him. He doesn’t have the stones to go through with it.”

My hands were starting to shake, my anger was building. “You have no idea the things I’m capable of when I want to.”

He laughed, “Oh yeah. You think you’ve the balls to eat a bullet drama queen?”

I got to my feet, “You don’t believe in guns remember? So there aren’t any in the house.”

“Guns cause accidents,” he said staring me down.

“So do health department condoms,” I said not backing down. “Or at least that’s the story of regret you’ve been telling me for years.”

My mother was crying and shaking her head, “He didn’t mean it.  He was just joking.”

I nodded, “Partially mom.  He’s never regretted Jordan, just me.”

I got down on my knees in front of my sister. “You’ve been my best friend, a better sister than I deserved. I’m going to turn you around now.  You don’t need to see this. I love you.”

I grabbed the legs of the chair and was going to spin her when she started fighting and screaming. I stopped and looked up to her, “If you’re going to do this then you need to look me in the eye the whole time.”

“That won’t stop me,” I said. “I don’t want this to be any rougher on you than it has to be.”

She pursed her lips and looked angry with me, I couldn’t blame her. I got up and hugged her one last time before moving on to my mother. She was sobbing and fighting her bindings. “Stop fighting mom,” I said trying to keep it together. “You can’t get out.  You’re just going to hurt yourself. Would you like me to spin you around?”

She sobbed with her head down on her chest. She slowly moved it side to side. I leaned in and hugged her too. “I love you too mom, thanks for trying.”

I got up and stood in front of my father, so many words, but I knew better than to let it all spill out now. “You gonna offer to spin me around too boy?”

I smiled and shook my head, “Not you. You’re going to witness first hand at your failure.”

“Failure,” he spat at me. “I didn’t fail with you, you’re just weak. You’re always whining that the world is too rough on you. You’re a twin. Your sister is soaring. Seems to me you just came from a bad egg.”

I wanted to say so much back to him, but I took in a deep breath and looked back at my mother. “Mrs. Kipper next door always gets home around eight. That’s roughly two hours. I left a note on her door to come over here as soon as she gets in for an emergency. That should limit how long you have to sit.”

I drug my chair under the upstairs banister, right under the noose I made from the outside extension cord. I stepped up and grabbed it, “I nearly forgot. I recorded a message, and put it online. That should keep you two from any kind of trouble or suspicion.”

My father laughed still doubting me, “Not trying to get attention with a video? That’s why you made sure to keep us cleared so when everyone comes running over here any minute.”

I shook my head, “It’s six on a Saturday morning.  No one is going to see it for a couple hours. And I made it for mom and Jordan.  I named you as the cause.”

I slipped the cord around my neck and tightened it. He was looking furious, “That banister can’t support your weight dummy. You’re such a disappointment, can’t even tap out right.”

My mother yelled at him to stop instigating me, but my sister never broke eye contact with mine. I looked back at my father, “This is your hundred foot extension cord. Where do you think the slack is?”

He craned his neck trying to look, “In a pile on the floor I guess.”

I smiled, “Wrapped around the toilet. Aren’t those things anchored to the floor?”

The smile fell from his face as he realized I wasn’t here for attention. I looked at my mother one last time, “I love you mom, please forgive me.”

I took another calming breath and looked at Jordan, “Please don’t let this hold you back. Live it up for the both of us. I’ll wait for you on the other side.”

I breathed out my last breath, and stepped forward. The cord tightened around my neck harder than I expected. It was painful, but a whole new kind of pain that I welcomed. My sister and mother were pleading for me to step back up on the chair. My father had begun fighting his restraints so hard he flipped his chair onto its side.

My body started to fight back. I had to concentrate hard on not convulsing in front of my family. My vision was getting blotchy and darker by the second. All I had to do was step back on the chair, step back to the real pain. Step back to the hurt and misery that no one fully comprehended. 

My legs felt like dead weight, I couldn’t move them anymore. My arms and hands followed right behind. My vision went black. My ears were ringing louder with each fleeting heart beat pounding on the drum. The voices sounded like they were coming from across a field. The last heart beat was the loudest, then complete silence, and all the pain was gone.