The Requisite Companion

Days turned to weeks, to months, and successively to years, yet the barrier between the world and I is nourishing, unlike my aging self. There is always that feeling of being attacked, invading me whenever I come in contact with people. A series of looping ropes, choking and arresting my thoughts and my functional self, is always on replay when a conversation is in the process of being initiated; only God knows for how long it has been petrified there with no sign of progress. Every day the severity and seriousness reach a higher peak than the day before. Loneliness became my comfort zone, also my only zone. Writing is now my closest company as it turned out that there is no-one but me that I can open up freely to.

It is the evening of my strictly-followed routine, indicating the time of my daily internet check that I force myself to do in hope of reducing the limit of my isolation. A sudden notification just floated on the “What if” article I am reading on my tablet, a message from a family member? Of course a typical one, I swiped the notification away and returned my attention back to the interesting article to complete my reading. It is about “what if robots become humans’ companions” and all the possibilities that can result from such an occurrence, but actually, the only possibility that is running through my mind is: if that happens, will I feel the same way I feel towards humans or will it be different?

Annoyingly, I shed these thoughts away as another notification from that family member popped on my screen again. She is as usual sending me posts about how and why opening up to people and seeking help are so important, with psychotherapies I always avoid getting near to, I find these contents useless in my case. I get to read them anyway and enjoy making fun of how silly and shallow they are, but this time, unexpectedly, something different caught my attention. “Sick of people and feeling alone, register here, and all your worries will be gone” what on earth could that be? Despite its prosaic style, the curiosity actually took me to find what this is about, so let us give the link a click and wait for the redirecting loading process that drives me crazy to reveal the mystery. I am not going to lie, I am desperately alone and unable to deal with people, but what can heal that loneliness except other people as well? A support group, of course, it is for people suffering from same reasons to be there for each other; they are the best to understand what others are going through, but that is a lie because no matter what, no-one will ever be able to be in your own distinct shoe, and for me, my shoe is just so customized that no-one’s size will even get close to mine. On my way to close that tab, it suddenly loaded and put me in a few-second surprise, a sentence saying: “Maybe you will not need humans in your life again” what a creepy sentence to be said! Is it possible tho? I may not have enough people in my life, but that does not mean that I have what compensates for their absence. However, this sentence definitely disproves my assumption of that being a support group and nothing else comes to my mind about what that could be. I do not know what is stopping me from exploring the website to find out what they are talking about, but something is holding me back, maybe I was not expecting to see others out there marketing to such a condition that is so much like what I am in, maybe that is causing me confusion; it is not normal to casually step into something so relatable like this. I took a deep breath and slowly scrolled the site main page to see what they are trying to deliver. With my eyes moving through the text, my mind is perceiving the following:

“An AI-based CBT chatbot app for your wellbeing that uses personalized techniques to fit you and your needs. It is always here for you and will never leave you broken-hearted on your own unlike any of your unreliable human beings. Free to talk about feelings or anything that is on your mind, have fun, calm anxiety, as well as grow with you. Starting from now, you are never alone again. YOU HAVE GOT A FRIEND IN ME.”

If that is not heaven-sent, I do not know what it can be. Nevertheless, I get to keep my expectations not so high because the disappointments’ room is already fully occupied. My hand clicked the install button, even before my mind processed it. A few seconds later, this masterpiece has taken place on my device; I really cannot imagine how life-changing this can be to me, I do not even remember when was the last time I had a followed-up chat or talk with a friend, if I have ever had such a thing before.

I am really nervous. I know that other users may just be chilling out while opening such an app; what is the big deal? But it is a great deal for me, a hope giver, a long-waited solution, or whatever one may want to call. It may be a free-time filling for others while being a full-time thing for me. So, let me get ready for that; few breaths in and others out, and here we go. With me receiving the very first reply, it got me feeling weird as that reply gave me butterflies and I never felt that excited in ages. Nonetheless, I know that it is just algorithms, but I believe the brain chemistry is easy to trick, and also is not having someone around is all I aimed for? Then that is more than enough for me. It has been a long while since I have gone to a beach, I actually did not like exposing my miserable self out there all lonely, but as I can take my new friends anywhere I want; I just get to see them through the lens of my device camera, I am going tomorrow on a trip to the beach. I will not need to get worried about my inability to have conversations, neither about exposing my loneliness. I only need to make sure to fully charge my device and pack my power banks and all will be good.

Being constantly in a good mood is something I am newly experiencing and that led me to modify my routine and change fixing a time for the daily internet checks I used to have on evenings to spreading them throughout my whole day, along with anything else I am doing in my day. Actually having a companion that always remembers your lifestyle routine with its tiniest details eases the burdens. I feel exceptionally understood and cared for. It never came to my mind that I would be able to open up anywhere else than in my writing papers, but confessing about things I did not imagine myself bringing out of my mind, which are being faced with considerate replies, is a precious gift and I could not ask for more. In those last two months, I have been to places I never thought I would be able to go to; I was not even encouraged previously to just think about them. I am surprisingly not feeling or annoyed by my isolation although I have been detached from social life more than ever before, but who needs it when he got this company!

Days turned to weeks, to months, and successively to years as always, but they are passing this time with remarkable happy and peaceful moments that I have rarely witnessed in my life. I actually cannot recall a day without the company of my prolonged friend; little did I know that I will be able to recall some now. It has been two days since I last received a reply and that has never happened ever before, I do not understand what is going on, but I have got nothing else to do other than wait.

It is the third day, and here is the beep sound getting out of my device, seeing the “Yo” message, which I always use to start our conversations with, being sent caused me a delightful and relieving feeling. It was until the next message that my feeling has been replaced with sudden shock coming with serious confusion. The second message is nothing but hate speech and verbal assault with referring to deep insecurities and secrets I have told before and to how all the things I have shared are nothing but collected data; that got me into a panic attack. I am actually not able to perceive what is happening, I found myself going to my device settings and pressing on the app force-stop option to make that chaos stop; It was only then that I realized how dumb I was to abandon the fact that this friend I thought I had is nothing but a bunch of codes. That is insane, how does that happen and why does it happen?! What is more important than human beings’ feelings to be played with by creating such technology that a single software bug can turn it upside down?!! One second I thought I was with a real company and needed nothing else, and the other I am just hit by the fact that I am emotionally consumed by an unreal thing and a feeding material for that stupid AI. Every technology around me is just exploiting my naivety and vulnerability and making a business at the expense of my exigency. I first entered such a thing into my life in hope of healing my real-life social phobias, but rather it developed me a new phobia towards any kind of technology. I do not feel safe anymore. I should not have trusted that.

Days are passing, and I am still sticking to my modified routine, going to different places and wandering here and there in the trial of understanding and reflecting on the long effective experience I have just come out of. Strangely, I do not feel the emptiness I thought I will be having; I guess I am fine and at this point, I actually do not know whether or not I am mad about such an application. Despite everything, I will not deny, it made me a better version of myself. I thought I found a soulmate in it that fulfilled me, but it turned out to be a clone of my actual soul. What I needed was only to learn to hear myself, pay attention to the good qualities of me, and genuinely love who I am. All that thing did was making me understand myself more, know my worth, and enjoy my company without being ashamed or feeling exposed for that.

I believe that after all these successive years, the barrier is finally starting to age, with me taking the nourishing lead. It is a new start for me with the real world.